The 7 Most Baffling Things Ever Discovered in a Human Body
We previously gave you The 7 Most Horrifying Things Ever Discovered in a Human Body, and you may have thought we were done showing you pictures that would make Satan himself throw up in his mouth a little. Luckily, that is something that we never, ever grow tired of doing, so here are some more disgusting things that have managed to lodge themselves in someone's body in one way or another.
A Small Fortune
How much money do you have in your wallet right now? How about your pockets? Your savings account? For most people, the answer could be anywhere from thousands of dollars to a nickel and some Cheetos dust.
A king's ransom in cholesterol!
But how much cash do you have in your stomach? Hopefully the answer is none, unless you're some kind of mutant piggy bank. Well, one 62-year-old man walked into the Cholet General Hospital in France complaining of severe abdominal pains and rectal blockage. Doctors gave the man an X-ray and found a 5.5-kilogram mass in his stomach, which is about the size of a bowling ball. The mass had actually grown so large that it sunk his stomach in between his hips, like a boulder in a hammock made of rubber bands. Doctors operated immediately and discovered that the mass consisted of more than $4,000 worth of coins. So was this man a billionaire who accidentally swallowed a few pounds of coins while swimming through his fortune like Scrooge McDuck?
Ever wonder what it feels like to shit a bank?
"He likes eating coins," said Dr. Bruno Francois, putting it as nonchalantly as humanly possible, as if he were telling us that he'd had Cocoa Puffs for breakfast. The man's family had warned doctors that he had a habit of eating coins and would often steal from people hosting dinner parties to indulge himself, effectively making him the Hamburglar of traditional currency. His habit lasted for 10 years before he was forced to seek help, which raises the question of whether he was allowed to keep the money after his surgery. On one hand, it was $4,000. On the other, it was $4,000 worth of coins soaked in stomach lining.
"Hey, guys, go ahead and order pizza. This dude's buying."
It didn't seem like it could get much worse for Anuj Ranjan, who checked into a New Delhi hospital complaining of abdominal and chest pains, labored breathing, weight loss and blood-flecked coughs. He'd even developed a boil on his chest that was leaking air. After anatomy charts indicated that the nipple was not supposed to have a blowhole, X-rays revealed a large patch in his left lung. His doctors diagnosed him with tuberculosis and started him on a treatment regimen that lasted two years while Ranjan's symptoms grew progressively worse.
"This is totally going to start working, eventually."
The doctors finally decided to perform surgery, and when they opened up his chest, they found the remnants of a leather belt and a small bit of cloth. Four years earlier, Ranjan had been in a car accident that had apparently lodged his belt in his stomach, and the belt eventually worked its way up into his lung. You might be asking why Ranjan didn't tell his doctors about the time his belt went missing right after a car punched a belt-shaped hole into his stomach. But you've never tried to utter the sentence, "I think the belt I was wearing got punched into my stomach" to a trained medical professional who is licensed to diagnose you as insane. He probably didn't mention it for the same reason you wouldn't believe it happened if we didn't have a link to the story: He didn't think he lived in a cartoon universe where you can run into something so hard that your body literally starts trying to cough it up.
Watch out for falling rocks, Ranjan.
The surgery lasted for hours, with a large part of Ranjan's lung having to be removed and doctors presumably having to take turns taking one another's picture next to the guy with part of a wardrobe in his lung. Fortunately, Ranjan came out alive, free to have more articles of clothing shoved into his body and subsequently forgotten about.
A 77-year-old woman named Jin Guangying went to the Shuyang Leniency Hospital in China, complaining of headaches that had pained her for most of her adult life. So in case the Indian guy who didn't notice that he'd had his belt punched into his stomach wasn't enough to make our American readers feel like pampered hypochondriacs, well, hold onto your panties. After one X-ray, doctors were quick to identify the problem.
While surviving a gunshot to the head isn't totally unheard of, the origin of this particular bullet is what truly sets Jin apart from most head-shot survivors -- and Bond villains for that matter. Jin had been shot in the head in 64 years earlier in 1943, when she was only 13-years old. She had been delivering food to her father in the front lines of World War II, and the bullet first passed through someone else's arm before lodging in her brain. Her mother used herbal medicine to heal the wound despite modern medicine having long ago demonstrated that no amount of green tea can cure a bullet to the face. Doctors removed the bullet to find it covered with rust and a green substance that can only be described as "leprechaun poop."
Patrick Lawler had been working construction at a ski resort in Breckenridge, Colo., when his vision started to blur and a minor toothache began. When icing and aspirin didn't help, he went to the dentist's office where his wife worked. During the examination, it was discovered that a 4-inch nail was embedded in his skull.
"Boy, it looks like we really hit the nail on the head. But seriously, there's 4 inches of metal in your brain."
Apparently Lawler had been using a nail gun that backfired and shot a nail up through his mouth that he somehow failed to notice. It was lodged an inch and a half into his brain, just barely missing his right eye. He managed to go six days before the nail was discovered and had been eating ice cream to try to fight the swelling, because for some reason he thought that's what ice cream does.
"A sprained ankle, you say? Just rub this on it; you'll be fine."
He was quickly taken to a hospital in Denver, where the nail was removed after four hours of surgery. "This is the second one we've seen in this hospital where the person was injured by the nail gun and didn't actually realize the nail had been embedded in their skull," neurosurgeon Sean Markey told a local television station. "But it's a pretty rare injury."
So, you know, frame that nail or have it cast in bronze or something.
In 1987, a 20-year-old man was admitted to the hospital complaining of rectal pain. X-rays revealed a hard, stony mass. The man admitted it was concrete that his boyfriend had poured into his ass while they were "fooling around" that had subsequently hardened into the equivalent of a massive concrete shit-brick.
Because nothing says "I love you" like a funnel and quick-drying cement.
The concrete was removed in a perfect cast of the inside of the man's butthole, sort of like those wax hands you can have made at carnivals.
Like this, only more ass-tastic.
The man was kept in the hospital overnight and discharged the next morning in perfect condition, having somehow managed to not injure himself in the slightest during the whole bout of concrete friskiness. Interestingly, the cement had hardened around another object that was removed along with the cast -- a ping-pong ball, fully intact. Presumably the doctors then carefully excavated the cast like paleontologists, searching for errant hamster bones.
This is what the inside of an asshole looks like.
A 27-year-old woman was admitted to a hospital in India after experiencing six grueling months of coughing, spitting up phlegm and running a fever. Despite four months of antibiotics and tuberculosis treatments, her health was not improving. The doctors then decided to do a videobronchoscopy (when they use those tiny cameras attached to tubes) to examine her airway. They found a strange baglike structure in her bronchus, which you may notice is not generally a symptom associated with bronchial infections. Utilizing the most advanced techniques of modern medicine, the doctors reached down her throat with a pair of forceps and pulled out the tattered remains of a condom.
Worst water balloon fight ever?
Now it was time to conduct a "detailed retrospective history," which is apparently what doctors call their job when the truth is too embarrassing and they want to make it seem like they're doing rad CSI style lab work. Eventually, they deduced that she had accidently inhaled the condom while giving a blow job, though not before some pretty strenuous arguments over whether that was even possible.
Medical records don't indicate how the diagnosis was conveyed to the patient. Did they compliment her on practicing safe sex before outlining a medical treatment plan for giving less enthusiastic blow jobs? Did they simply sit there looking impressed?
"OK seriously, how drunk were you? I've got a bet with the interns."
WARNING: This next entry contains disturbing images.
Teratoma tumors are tumors that often contain hair, teeth and bones, and sometimes even eyes, hands or torsos. You may have heard that they're just a bullshit urban legend, but we assure you they are very real, and they look like the aliens from John Carpenter's The Thing.
Yes, those are freaking teeth.
A baby in Colorado Springs, Colo., was born with a microscopic tumor in his brain, causing doctors to take him into surgery even though he was only three days old. There, they removed the growth and found that it contained one fully formed foot, another partial foot and the beginnings of a hand and a thigh, leading us to wonder if a Smurf-sized twin would've burst through his skull like the Kool-Aid man had the tumor been left unattended.
Another infant, born in Korea, had two separate growths, one containing an eye, a trachea, various internal organs and even a goddamn brain. The other had bones, vertebrae, and intestines, and both were covered in a membrane that clearly contained an umbilical cord. Again, it's difficult to get the twin-bursting image out of our minds when a baby is born with 90 percent of another human being attached to it in two separate lumps.
They don't show up just in babies, either. A 25-year-old Japanese woman had to have one removed from her ovary that contained a lump holding a head, one fully formed eye and numerous internal organs.
We know. The word "Japanese" had us expecting a sentient tentacle tumor too.
Why, nature? You just took every beautiful, complex part of life, then stuffed it into a tiny meat sack and put it in our bodies. It's like finding a cosplayer with giant boobs, then crumpling her up into a bloody heap and shoving her in an ice cream cake.
They've even been known to show up on men. Specifically, the testes. So for all our male readers out there, it turns out that on the spectrum of "worst things to find attached to your junk," not even the lady who inhaled a condom tops the list in the category of "things with teeth."
Yeah, suddenly that big fancy doctor salary doesn't seem so impressive.
We've got stuff more horrifying than that in our new book. So pick it up!
We're not finished giving you nightmares yet. Be sure to check out 19 Unintentionally Terrifying Children's Album Covers and The 7 Most Horrifying Museums on Earth.
And stop by Linkstorm to cleanse your mind (and your mind).
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