Everybody is a comedian these days, and the Internet has given us all an enormous stage. Maybe the best example is a supposedly comedy-free site like Amazon.com.

The deal is, anybody can write a review, on any product, whether they have bought it or not. So it's just a matter of finding a baffling/ridiculous/useless product and watching the Internet's sarcasm run wild. For instance, just check out the reviews for ...

The "Guardian Angel" Acupuncture Device

8 Stupid Amazon Products With Impressively Sarcastic Reviews


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Yeah, I know, sex toy jokes, right? Fortunately Amazon reviewers turn out to be more creative than you and I:

I miss Mr. Prickles, May 8, 2009 By A. Christian-Richardson (Florida. USA) - See all my reviews REAL NAME This evien is from: Guardian Angel (Health a

Bizarrely so:

May have Hatched. Don't Know What Came Out., November 17, 2009 By A Trustworthy Human See all my reviews This review is from: Guardian Angel (Health a

By the way, the product description claims it's a Korean acupressure device. You roll it around on your hand and it cures your arthritis or something. That actually leads me to quote one more review:

Wait. Wait. Wait. Acupuncture?, August 24. 2009 By EverheartI was born in the wagon of a trave... (Sunnydale, CA) - See all my reviews This review is

All right, I guess there was room for at least one good sex toy joke.

Wheelmate Laptop Steering Wheel Desk

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This is a laptop desk that attaches to the steering wheel of your car, which is all that really needs to be said. But, of course, Amazon reviewers take pointing out what's wrong with it to the next level.

AutoExecawesome, July 29. 2010 By OU182? See all my reviews This review is from Wheelmate Laptop Steering Wheel Desk (office Product) Just a friendiy

Very helpful, November 6. 2010 By Art Vandelay sit com fan (Ohio)- See all my reviews This review is from: Wheelmate Laptop Steering Wheel Desk (off

These worked great in the cockpit for our tanscontinental flights!, November 4, 2009 By Linky's Dad (Alexandria, KY)- See all my reviews This review i

I should point out that, when we're done laughing at the stories of people mixing cocktails and eating chili while driving, there are some people who might actually get some use out of this when their car is safely parked. People like claims adjusters or real estate agents, who have to drive from client to client without returning to the office and need to do paperwork in the parking lot.

Not to be a wet blanket and say you can't cut lines of coke during a high-speed chase once in a while. Just do it responsibly.

Uranium Ore

Contents Aetisin 1205 CPN Uranium Ore Caution Radioactive Materint


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This is just your average can of uranium ore (well, the store that sells it also sells Geiger counters, UFO/ESP detectors and a camera for taking pictures of psychic auras, so take that as you will). So you've got your standard, "It mutated all the ants in my house!" reviews, but the best ones here are the ones you didn't see coming. Like this:

Great Product, Poor Packaging, May 14, 2009 By Patrick J. McGovern Procrastinating Evil Sci... (Hollowed Out Volcano Lair) See all my reviews REAL NA

Or you can just enjoy this Back to the Future reference.

8 Stupid Amazon Products With Impressively Sarcastic Reviews

The title's all you need from that one.

How To Avoid Huge Ships

HOW TO AVOID HUGE SHIPS secOD FDITIDN by Captain. obn W Timmor


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Owners of small boats sometimes end up in the path of large shipping vessels due to not paying attention to shipping etiquette and rules, so sure, it's something people might need to read up on. Still, as you can imagine, the title of this one sent the sarcasm meter into the red:

A book for the ages, December 12, 2010 By Marai See all my reviews This review is from: HoW to Avoid Huge Ships (Paperback) L was jogging around the b

Caution: Check the title before purchase, April 7. 2010 By Graham Thomas (Surrey, UK) See all my reviews This review is from: How to Avoid Huge Ships

8 Stupid Amazon Products With Impressively Sarcastic Reviews

As if that wasn't enough, Madeleine B. piles on an additional layer of sarcasm icing on the sarcasm cake:

Wake Up, Haters!. December 13, 2010 By Madeleine B. This review is fror HOW to Avoid Huge ships (Paperback) I'm a little annoyed with the sarcastic r

What's it like to be so perfect, indeed.

Playmobil Security Check Point

8 Stupid Amazon Products With Impressively Sarcastic Reviews


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This toy is a model of a security checkpoint at an airport, with the same luggage x-ray and metal detector that has been standard in U.S. airports since the 1970s. Naturally, most reviewers use this as a launching pad for diatribes against the U.S. government and the "police state" represented by the new controversial full-body scanners:

8 Stupid Amazon Products With Impressively Sarcastic Reviews

OK, that might be kind of a ha-ha satire of people who overreact to toys or something. I'm sure they don't really think that airport security belongs in the same category as waterboarding.

8 Stupid Amazon Products With Impressively Sarcastic Reviews

I cut it off there because this guy wrote a whole fucking essay about our police state and what's wrong with airport security and how the system favors the rich and something about Guantanamo. I think he started out planning to write a joke about how thanks to some interesting timing, a previously innocent toy for kids now reminds people of a current controversy and then remembered how much he hated the TSA and started writing a Letter to the Editor.

I'm not joking when I say it's an essay, here's what the whole thing looks like.

8 Stupid Amazon Products With Impressively Sarcastic Reviews

"But wait," you might say, "I agree with that guy and find his stupid essay funny and enlightening. Can't a person make a political point and also get it across humorously, even if you disagree with him?"

Sure, but it wouldn't look like that. It would probably look something like this.

8 Stupid Amazon Products With Impressively Sarcastic Reviews

You can thank Amazon reviewer John T. Thompson for that.

Denon AKDL1 Dedicated Link Cable

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If you are any kind of tech person you probably know the whole high-end cable business is a scam. There is nothing more highly marked up and full of bullshit technobabble buzzwords than TV or computer cables in an electronics store. In a field of bullshitters, this cable was a bullshit medalist, though, with an original list price of $500, for a five-foot ethernet cable. Tech geeks tore it to pieces.

Incredible Loans and Savings!, July 27, 2010 By Doctor Love See all my reviews This review is from: Denon AKDL1 Dedicated Link Cable (Electronics) Whe

Increased midichlorian count, December 8, 2010 By imf See all my reviews This review is from: Denon AKDL1 Dedicated Link Cable (Electronics) Ever sinc

As you can see, the bitingly sarcastic reviewers were remarkably balanced. Not only did they talk about the cable's miraculous benefits, but were open about the dangers of such amazing technology:

I don't have much time., June 23, 2008 By John (Border of Wasteland, Former USA)- See all my reviews This review is from: Denon AKDL1 Dedicated Link C

I'm actually a little scared now.

Laparoscopic Gastric Bypass Kit

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For whatever reason, some people do sell medical supplies on Amazon that only a doctor should be using. Like this exam table. I hope to God that it's only doctors that are buying these things, anyway. Still, reviewers had a field day:

Going on my third bypass, April 10, 2008 By Peter L. Moore plm209 (West Pittston, PA USA) - See all my reviews REAL NAME This review is from: Laparo

Terrible instructions!, February 2, 2010 By Ian C. Guch misterguch (VA) - See all my reviews REEL NAME This review is Fromt Laparoscopic Gastric Byp

Mysterious "Parent Child Testing Product"

8 Stupid Amazon Products With Impressively Sarcastic Reviews


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Amazon users do their best to answer the question on everyone's mind: "What the hell is this?"

Well worth every penny!, December 16, 2010 By R. Schultz (United States) - See reviews REAL HAME Durability: Fun: Educational: This review is fror Par

7 Poor customer service, November 2, 2010 By J. VanDerBeck reptile diva (New Castle, Delaware) - See allmy reviews reviews REAL hE Durability: C'ArH

instructions bi lingual and hard to read., April 24, 2010 By M. Williams Marko (Texas) See all my reviews REAL NAME This review is from: Parent Chil

A Higher Plane of Existence, December 13, 2009 By Kvle Kovalchek (Surfside, SC) See all mv reviews REAL NAME This review is from: Parent Child Testing

Sure, I could tell you what the deal is with this listing but that would be like explaining how Santa could never get to every child's house in one night. Isn't there little enough wonder left in the world without taking this away?

Check out more from Christina in 5 Topics Guaranteed to Elicit (Condescending) Advice and The 6 (Wrong) Questions Men Love to Ask About Women.

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