6 Objective Reasons The US Army Should Invade BP
British Petroleum set off an unprecedented ecological disaster, bungled it and then their commander appeared on TV to exposit exactly what it is they're doing: that's not an industrial accident, that's a COBRA scheme running backwards and escaped into the real world. At least Cobra Commander could read his To Do list the right way up.
We could have done with that warning.
It's an ecological apocalypse, an economic horror story, a PR-mageddon, and it couldn't be better timed. America hasn't really won a war in over 40 years*, Lost just ended and the only sport on TV is something called "soccer." If the U.S. plays this right it could be the best natural accident since Adam fell on top of Eve and decided to try jiggling.
Because if America invades BP it'll be the most popular war since the original Star ones.
*They don't count as a win if you have to go back for a do-over.
A Real Actual War Against Real Actual Bad Guys
The U.S. can take over BP, get lots of oil--hell, right now we're getting far more than we want (a phrase previously thought capitalistically impossible)--save the economy, the ecology and it'll even let the usbe in the right again. We couldn't organize a better war without resurrecting Hitler.
This is Plan B, and we're not going to claim it's without flaw.
Better (Worse) Bad Guys
CNN newscasters have wet dreams of terrorists capable of what's already happening, and these aren't desperate lunatics living in caves, BP executives are pretty much Scrooge McDuck without the humanizing influence of half-naked duck-children. They're guilty, they're rich and they're mocking the world: On Day 52 of the spill--aka "Seven weeks and we're still screwing up"--they delivered a statement claiming that they were "not aware of any reason" why their stocks should drop 16 percent.
That's not an announcement, that spokesman was a human-sized middle-finger sent to flick off the entire world. His survival is living proof that every reporter he talks to has been castrated--there is no other way he could remain unbeaten-to-death. And if you meet one of those reporters, feel free to take his wallet and sleep with his wife, he won't object, she'll actively thank you and even if you're a girl you're more man than she's used to.
Better Motivation Part II: OIL
Now that PR is covered we can get on to the real reasons: We know there's oil involved--Beverly Hillbillies-level oil--in the same way we know Tila Tequila exists: painful knowledge of a dangerous disaster. Even NASA can tell it's there...
"Houston, we're fine but all y'all don't look so good."
...and when your screw-up is visible from space we're fairly sure Captain Planet's allowed to start existing and kicking your ass. Never mind the country whose coast you just turned into the world's worst slip'n'slide.
Though we know one man who'd enjoy it. It's pretty much Opposite Day for him.
Enemies of the U.S. tend to cheat, refusing to wear insignia or make base where a vastly superior military organization has an actual advantage. The cowards. BP don't just wear insignias, they pay graphic designers millions of dollars to make them look wonderful and green and not look like burning oil at all. But we can change that.
It's a bullseye for god's sake!
They wear the logo, they mark their buildings, they even buy install huge signs to identify their headquarters! They might call it "branding," but when you remember they've just done more damage to American shores than every war in history combined, you realize that these logos are the corporation unbuckling its belt, bending over and just daring the Army to remember it has smart bombs.
We've already trained for this. An entire generation has been trained to destroy things by insignia.
The most recent training program. Just say it stands for "Bloody Panauans" and we've got an army.
The only possible reason for not blasting them back to the Stone Age is politeness, and they're the ones with British in their name.
Awareness Isn't Working
On top of the oil, the spill unleashed a second wave of awful pollution: awareness. You might want to brace yourself, but adding "#bpspill" doesn't do a goddamn thing and never will. It turns out that unless you're manning an ICBM silo or are Professor X, changing the world probably requires you to at least stand up. Maybe more! Similarly ineffective is drawing the Little Mermaid covered in oil, though it makes a welcome change from the other sticky substances the Internet usually covers her in.
Gooily all over your face. Rule 34!
It turns out that BP have actual money fountains (other than the one they just used to make the Gulf of Mexico go second in chess), so we need a stronger approach than saying, "Gosh, that's awful," while being ecologically buggered with thousands of gallons of oil-lube. "Awareness" just means you're conscious while the buggering takes place. We need awareness and murderous revenge.
His reaction was not to smarmily Tweet "Well HE would know about assholes! #zedrapes"
Learning from Hollywood: Blowing Things Up And Being Loved For It
On May 11, we really thought Obama had taken real action, unleashing SWAT teams on oil rigs throughout the Gulf, until we found out that they're the "Surface Water Assessment Team." (Who are likely facing wedgies of historical proportions once the real SWAT find out about their name.)
Never mind Shock and Awe, a war on BP will be positive PR and the best reality show of all time. Daily updates on commando squads raiding BP offices, seizing assets and basically going up against people who hold still and blow other things up--not themselves--just like our enemies from the good old days. The government could undo all the damage of the Iraq War and the bailouts in one go. Hell, if people get to see Tony Hayward being dragged through the streets in a rack made of his own gold-plated yacht they'll forgive the first Iraq War and throw in Vietnam for free.
This strategy could have been used for the bailouts. Everyone was pretty upset about giving money to the people who drove the economy off a cliff then leapt out to land on soft piles of thousand dollar bills. But if marines had stormed through Wall Street "pacifying" everyone responsible we wouldn't just have solved the problem, we'd have paid off the debts with ticket sales for the most kickass action movie of all time.
The spill has pumped 100 million gallons of oil into the Gulf--at this rate you could bring back Agent Orange and still be the good guys. It'll be the best-loved war on American soil since Red Dawn, much more practical and absolutely guaranteed to involve bigger explosions.
I'm not calling the U.S. Government wimps, but if BP had declared jihad instead of forming a corporation before doing this they'd be nuclear glass. They'd glow in the dark so hard you could shoot them twice at night and then read by the light of their corpse. Holding a congressional hearing for this is like being shot in your bed by a burglar then filing a noise complaint to your super because he failed to use a silencer. At this point you've either got to blow them up or ship your 300 million collective testicles to some country that'll use them. As an Irishman I can honestly say that if you don't act soon, me and my countrymen wouldn't even sign for that shipment if it were labeled as cat food because even our pussies will look down on you.
Anyone got a light?
Check out more from Luke in The 8 Shittiest Transformer Disguises and The 5 Most Retarded Causes People Are Actually Fighting For.