The 5 Most Retarded Causes People Are Actually Fighting For
Sometimes, lost causes are the only ones worth fighting for. Hunger, war, disease, they'll always be with us, but caring souls will always fight to raise awareness about these issues.
Others, however, have a different idea. These brave types have latched onto other lost causes. Ones that, quite frankly, deserve to be lost. Such as:
#5.
Lobster Empathy
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) want to buy a retired Maine jail for two hundred thousand dollars to set up a "Lobster Empathy Center," a place where the plight of scrumptious seafood can be likened to a heavy-handed and inaccurate metaphor.
PETA's rationale was "No building would be more appropriate than a jail to set up an interactive display about how these intriguing animals suffer."
Yes, in a world where there are still children with no address other than "whichever bridge Bob the Rapist isn't sleeping under tonight," PETA decides the best use for a building specifically designed to house large numbers of people is to campaign for the imaginary rights of animals with nervous systems so primitive they can survive for several minutes after being cut in half.
This lobster is too stupid to realize how ridiculous it looks.
A couple of hints, PETA:
1) These publicity stunts always end up with you looking retarded. Haven't you noticed this?
2) Except the ones that get Naomi Campbell naked, those ones are fine.
3) You may have better luck campaigning on behalf of less delicious animals.
4) Natalie Portman is very popular. Just a thought.
"I want to take my clothes off for lobsters."
Seriously, what could be more pointless than this?
#4.
A Bill of Rights for Plants
Oh, right.
In what we can only assume is a brave attempt to starve sanctimonious vegans to death, the Swiss government's "Federal Ethics Committee on Non-Human Biotechnology" has issued a document outlining the ethical treatment of plants, apparently with an eye toward getting it placed into law.
Which means that, as well as making sure your date consents, you now have to ask permission of the roses you bring. Though the document generously allows that "any action with or towards plants that serves the self-preservation of humans [is] morally justified." So if you ever find yourself locked in a life-or-death struggle with a Triffid feel free to fight back without fear of a stern letter with a Swiss postmark.
#3.
Livejournal User Rights
Back in March of 2008, Livejournal users rallied to the cry for a boycott of the service because they weren't consulted about some changes to the site. It's true, Facebook doesn't have a monopoly on huge community overreaction to minor changes.
A Google search reveals over fourteen thousand posts about the Livejournal boycott (taking 'lj' and the fact many users can't spell boycott into account) - and while Livejournal claims a population twice that of Switzerland (albeit a much more emo and Naruto-obsessed population than Switzerland could ever dream of), only about a hundred and forty thousand update daily. So this boycott stood to deliver a significant blow. But did it?
Hmmm... you know, we may have spotted the flaw in the cunning plan of posting on Livejournal about a boycott on Livejournal posting. And in true internet fashion, fully half of the strike posts were calling the strikers fags, another quarter were "I support them but won't do it myself," and we're sure at least four entries were slash porn on the subject.
The most serious effects of the strike were summarized by one user, who commented "it was so weird reading some good fanfic but not able to comment."
Changing the world isn't easy, dude.
Man, out of all these comments and all anyone sees is "ASPERGERS!"
ReplyDespite how rare it is, a whole helluvalotta people reading Cracked seem to have it.
f**k NORMAL!!!! That's my opinion.
ReplyFilburt
ReplyHaha, pretty great. LJ, lol. #1's should be called "fauxsburgers" or "fatassburgers" or something to distinguish them from those who actually have it. I gotta, say, tho, in the city I live in I wouldn't go into a public park at night WITHOUT a gun, particularly if there were guys covered in snakes around.
ReplyRead the curious incident of the dog in the night-time. It's about a kid with Aspergers. I read it when I was about 15 and really enjoyed it, even though I don't read much.
ReplyNow I KNOW this has to have been mentioned somewhere in 1117 comments but lobsters are almost never alive when boiled, the "screaming" comes from air escaping the shells. f**k PETA are dumb.
ReplyAnything resembling reality is not accepted here.
-PETA
* A Superpower
ReplyNot to hop on the train intentionally but as a guy with Aspergers and Synesthesia. It's not a superpower. It has it's benefits and problems. Yes I can see sound and I pay extreme attention to detail but that doesn't make it superpower....Rather just genetically and neurologically different however that pride stuff is a load of bullshit....I can't speak for everyone but I myself just want to be treated like any other normal being and left the f**k alone.
ReplyPsst, this does not refer to you..
just read this "asburger" thing on the ole' wiki to see if I could get some insurance fraud out of it...
Replyturns out you have to act like a zooey de-cell-nell hipster goofball or something.... smh, I'll just stick to "I broke my back" syndromes thank you very much.
Please ignore my earlier comment; I have come up with another that I feel is much better. Here goes:
ReplyAs an Aspie diagnosed in second grade, I can assure you that Asperger's Syndrome is very real and often difficult to live with. Personally, I spent the formative years of my life building up a complicated logic system to figure out how I should react in social situations, and I feel like most of my life and social interactions are being acted out for the benefit of others. I am almost completely incapable of approaching strangers and initiating conversation, and I have a hard time keeping any friends that I might make. Asperger's has no doubt had a hand in causing my depression and anxiety issues, and I wish every day that I hadn't been born with it. Being good at thinking outside the box doesn't really seem worth it when you have no one coming to your birthday party.
So go live in a cave and leave the rest of us alone. We all got our problems, bud. Sorry, but life sucks.
I'm sorry that you have to live with such a difficult syndrome, that has affected your life so much. Personally, I can't imagine having to live with the sort of issues you are forced to put up with every day. However, this article wasn't talking about you. This article was talking about all the people out there who read that Asperger's symptoms include difficulties in social interactions, think to themselves that they can be awkward around other people, and decide without consulting any doctor or other professional that this must mean that they have Asperger's. They then proceed to adopt an attitude somewhere between feeling unjustly "repressed" by their loved ones' concern and urging to simply learn better social skills, and a sort of holier-than-thou attitude because they also heard that people with Asperger's are often super-smart, and since they now have Asperger's that must mean that they're smart, so there. And if you try and explain to them the need for things like "professional diagnoses" they either blow up at you for being prejudiced against their "condition" or simply claim that "you don't get them". There's a world of difference between real sufferers of Asperger's (or any other condition, for that matter; ADHD played a very similar roll amongst the lazies of the world) and those who only wished they had it so they could use it as a free pass in life.
The armchair-diagnosed people are dumb, but they raise a legitimate point regarding Aspergers--they're smarter than average, and they're very often bullied throughout their childhood and adolescence. If there were more of them, they'd probably take over the world or something.
ReplyOkay, that last one makes me embarrassed to be an Aspie (diagnosed in second grade).
ReplyFor the record of everyone who is dumb, Aspergers is a legitimate condition. However, a lot of people find that their personality just so happens to match some or many of the symptoms of Aspergers (I've found that I display traits that occasionally seem Autistic, but I know that I am not, have never been diagnosed as such, and will never claim to be) and jump to OMG I'M SPESHUL AND ALSO IT'S NOT MY FAULT THAT I'M WEIRD.
ReplyLook: some people are less socially capable than others. Sometimes it's because they're Autistic. Other times, it's because they just are. Aspergers is more than just being awkward: it is repeated, habitual behaviors; extreme difficulty dealing with change; and atypical use and understanding of language.
I'm not saying you should blame someone who doesn't have Aspergers for their shortcomings; it's just not a disorder, and they should not feel entitled to claim it is and use that as an excuse for their behavior. We all have our own predispositions, sometimes to our detriment. And that's okay.
Very very well said... I do have Aspergers Syndrome. (It was diagnosed to me when I was younger.) It sickens me though, that so many kids and teens get diagnosed with something and are prescribed pills when their only legit issue is an attitude problem. Watch the film "Adam". That's as close to an accurate portrayal of Aspergers' as it can get outside of a documentary.
I'm a furry with ADHD, does that count?
it's wrong to use the word retarded as referring to something stupid.
ReplyI agree. Calling PETA supporters "retarded" it very inaccurate. I know a lot of retarded people that make a worthwhile contribution to society.
I have asbergers, and I was a pretty selfish mess when I was a toddler. Thankfully, now I'm a pretty normal person.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesWell, is it possible that maybe when you were young you were really awkward and socially inept, where as now you're really awkward and socially inept but delusional as well?
How can a toddler be a 'selfish mess'?
All toddlers are selfish. It's human nature, at that age, to expect everyone to do everything and give you everything. As you age, you grow the f**k up. And if you want to claim to be something, you might want to spell it right, especially after just reading an article that had the word literally spelled out for you a s**t ton of times.
Is it possible neither of you got the joke?
Asperger's is pretty much single handedly responsible for almost every relationship I've had fail including one with a girl that I am now the father of her child, as well as a s**t ton of other mostly social problems that are also responsible for me being on food stamps and poor and jobless at the moment, if you're abusing this disorder because you think it's some kind of super power or so you can use it as an excuse to be an irrational dick to other people I would like to personally extend a shotgun blast to your face for making it harder on people that actually suffer from any of the disorders in the autism spectrum to be labeled as anything but trolls for trying to come forward about it and for just outright spreading complete butt fucked ignorance about autistic people in general let alone someone with Asperger's.
ReplyHmm, let's see here..."How about those of us with asperger's that 'don't' see it as a get out of improving your life free card".
Followed by two posts up "Asperger's is pretty much single handedly responsible for almost every relationship I've had fail...as well as a s**t ton of other mostly social problems that are also responsible for me being on food stamps and poor and jobless at the moment"
But no, you totally don't sound like someone who uses aspergers as a way to excuse yourself for failure.
Plus, "if you're abusing this disorder...so you can use it as an excuse to be an irrational dick to other people", followed by "I would like to personally extend a shotgun blast to your face"
At first I legitimately hoped that you were trolling, and were trying to sarcastically sound like the exact sort of person the article is talking about, but then it slowly started to dawn on me that you actually weren't kidding, which then made me realize just how opportune it is that someone who essentially exactly matches the description above should pop out just in time to show us all an example of what he's talking about. So thank you I suppose.
Oh, and while I'm not expert on aspergers and don't claim to be so, a good friend of mine who I've known...uh...I guess since 5th grade and have been around all the way up through rooming with him in college last year fairly plainly has aspergers, and it doesn't make him a failure, as you seem to suggest. He's socially awkward, but he's in college, he has a job, but all one has to do is hang around him for a little while to realize he just doesn't know how to act around people. I also realize people obviously exhibit differing levels of disorder, but the notion that aspergers is responsible for all your failings in life is absurd.
If you know one guy w/Asperger's, you know... one guy w/Asperger's... In my job (working with people who have various kinds of health-related problems that affect their ability to get or keep a job ), I've met a lot of people with Asperger's. Some have relatively few problems, they just need help with getting a job (because they are hopeless in job interviews), or they need things like being allowed to work alone (because being around other people is stressful). Others end up on permanent disability and have a very hard time just living on their own - in some cases because of Asperger's alone, but in many cases they have the added problem of depression/panic disorder/other anxiety disorders as a result of being bullied and/or inept parents' attempts to "discipline" away a neurological condition. (Obviously some people w/Aspergers manage on their own and don't need help, but they don't turn up in my office).
You want to know the difference between someone that actually has Asperger's and someone who says they do to be a jackass to others, one of them is simply unwilling to care about other people's emotional needs while the other is quite literally unable to without sufficient help, so unless you're the type of person that likes screwing with demented elderly people, retards, and people straight up tripping on jimsonweed, you're being just as much of a jackass by branding everyone that says they have "Asperger syndrome" as some sort of life lacking internet troll that just refuses to conform to social norms and get along with others.
ReplyHow about those of us with Asperger's that "don't" see it as a get out of improving yourself in life free card and actually do attempt to make efforts to be better social creatures around others and to improve the frustrating and often relationship destroying behaviors associated with autism in general. It's one thing when someone runs around claiming to have a mental disorder so they can be a d******d to everyone, it's another entirely when someone actually has it and is doing everything they can to make sure they are a d******d to no one.
ReplyAsbergers is at best over-diagnosed and at worst almost nonexistent. ADHD and ADD are just straight up imaginary. All three have "symptoms" that are experienced by almost everybody. It's not a mental disability, it's being human. Really anyone who isn't a boring dumbass is at risk of being diagnosed with ADD or even Asbergers. And most people who "suffer" from ADHD are just normal people albeit annoying. Annoying in a perfectly normal way. They're not retarded they're just irritating.
Reply Hide All See All 12 RepliesYour lack of knowledge is astounding.
How do you misspell Aspergers when it's right up there in the article?
Dude have you been taking heavy amounts of DXM your entire life or were you born an idiot, mental ailments that effect the chemical balance of the brain are very real and while the medicines used to treat them are questionable the ailments are not. First off, ADHD, and Asperger Syndrome for that matter, aren't at all signs of mental retardation, in fact Asperger's is often considered a unique form of high functioning autism because it specifically lacks the mental retardation. Next you're going to tell me schizophrenics are imaginary and people say they hear voices for attention. You sir are an ignorant unlearned mother f****r that needs to educate yourself better before making any brazen statements on the internet that will automatically brand you as a complete idiot and tool.
You are basically saying that because everyone occasionally feels sad that chronic depression and the very real suicides it causes don't exist based on your logic, and I call total bull on that sir.
Man reaper, people like you make me wanna puke. You think you have life figured out. I bet if someone asked you what the meaning of life was you'd tell them the meaning to your life. You think everyone's Basically the same, that mental problems are made up. It's SO FUNNY... *spit*
HAHAHAHAHAH! No. You are wrong.
OK let me make this clear. I am in no way defending this over reaching comment, he must be young or has not yet out grown his egocentric thought process. I don't know how old any of you are(I'm 22) but when I was going through elementary in the 90s I knew a few kids who were mis-prescribed ritalin and turned into zombis. It was a semi epidemic that if your kid would rather be outside/daydream/cracking jokes then paying attention in class they had ADD/ADHD. I'm not saying it dose not exist, I knew kids that ritalin brought them amazing concentration but at times it was just kids wanting to be kids.
THANK YOU, Zeke. Asperger Syndrome is very real and hard to live with.
I have an insanely accurate visual memory and high learning capacity, but it's almost impossible for me to pass a job interview. It's not fun.
I have ADD and frankly, it causes me hell. But I am too embarrassed to get help precisely because it is treated as minor. Oh and I mean medically diagnosed ADD that I inherited and have had since I was a child not self diagnosed.
probably right about that over-diagnosed thing thou...
hipsters need their "diseases" to make sure they're different from the "in" crowd.
How dare you call me annoying! *throws assburgers at Reaperofsouls*
Did you misspell aspergers simply to be consistent with the rest of your comment that is completely wrong? Seriously, it is in that article you just came from reading.
I can see many others below commented on the plight of being someone with real Asperger's in a sea of dickish pretenders, so I'll just shut up about how I really do have Asperger's and let you scroll down. XD
ReplyNot saying that you don't actually have it but that's the same thing the fakers say. Usually it's not the faker's fault though. The doctor tells them they have Asbergers and they just go along with it.
Soooooo basically Reaperofsouls, you go from saying that Aspergers is completely and totally fake along with ADD and ADHD, to saying that its real and saying that there's just a lot of fakers. If you're going to completely try and debunk something like Aspergers, a real condition with actual medical symptoms, both psychological and physiological, then at least stick to your opinion so our hatred is properly targeted. First you say it's fake. Then you say that guy that we're replying to doesn't have it. Make up your mind.
And frankly, yes like a lot of others that have commented here, and probably made it old and hard to believe this many people that have it are commenting on this article, I have Aspergers as well. I was diagnosed in grade 4. I've gone through several years of therapy, a lot of years with prozac, or prosac, I'm not sure of the spelling, in order to make myself a functional human being that seems normal to plenty of people. I go to University. I'm getting a degree. And what are you doing? Sitting there, at three o'clock in the morning, being an a*****e who just seems to want to piss people off by saying this isn't real.
And on another subject, I'm with the author. Autism does have some good things, like how some of us can become geniuses at certain topics, but have you seen one of us try to be sociable at a party? It's torture. God I wanna go eat something, but there's too many people between me and that buffet table...