The 5 Most Retarded Causes People Are Actually Fighting For
Sometimes, lost causes are the only ones worth fighting for. Hunger, war, disease, they'll always be with us, but caring souls will always fight to raise awareness about these issues.
Others, however, have a different idea. These brave types have latched onto other lost causes. Ones that, quite frankly, deserve to be lost. Such as:
#5.
Lobster Empathy
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) want to buy a retired Maine jail for two hundred thousand dollars to set up a "Lobster Empathy Center," a place where the plight of scrumptious seafood can be likened to a heavy-handed and inaccurate metaphor.
PETA's rationale was "No building would be more appropriate than a jail to set up an interactive display about how these intriguing animals suffer."
Yes, in a world where there are still children with no address other than "whichever bridge Bob the Rapist isn't sleeping under tonight," PETA decides the best use for a building specifically designed to house large numbers of people is to campaign for the imaginary rights of animals with nervous systems so primitive they can survive for several minutes after being cut in half.
This lobster is too stupid to realize how ridiculous it looks.
A couple of hints, PETA:
1) These publicity stunts always end up with you looking retarded. Haven't you noticed this?
2) Except the ones that get Naomi Campbell naked, those ones are fine.
3) You may have better luck campaigning on behalf of less delicious animals.
4) Natalie Portman is very popular. Just a thought.
"I want to take my clothes off for lobsters."
Seriously, what could be more pointless than this?
#4.
A Bill of Rights for Plants
Oh, right.
In what we can only assume is a brave attempt to starve sanctimonious vegans to death, the Swiss government's "Federal Ethics Committee on Non-Human Biotechnology" has issued a document outlining the ethical treatment of plants, apparently with an eye toward getting it placed into law.
Which means that, as well as making sure your date consents, you now have to ask permission of the roses you bring. Though the document generously allows that "any action with or towards plants that serves the self-preservation of humans [is] morally justified." So if you ever find yourself locked in a life-or-death struggle with a Triffid feel free to fight back without fear of a stern letter with a Swiss postmark.
#3.
Livejournal User Rights
Back in March of 2008, Livejournal users rallied to the cry for a boycott of the service because they weren't consulted about some changes to the site. It's true, Facebook doesn't have a monopoly on huge community overreaction to minor changes.
A Google search reveals over fourteen thousand posts about the Livejournal boycott (taking 'lj' and the fact many users can't spell boycott into account) - and while Livejournal claims a population twice that of Switzerland (albeit a much more emo and Naruto-obsessed population than Switzerland could ever dream of), only about a hundred and forty thousand update daily. So this boycott stood to deliver a significant blow. But did it?
Hmmm... you know, we may have spotted the flaw in the cunning plan of posting on Livejournal about a boycott on Livejournal posting. And in true internet fashion, fully half of the strike posts were calling the strikers fags, another quarter were "I support them but won't do it myself," and we're sure at least four entries were slash porn on the subject.
The most serious effects of the strike were summarized by one user, who commented "it was so weird reading some good fanfic but not able to comment."
Changing the world isn't easy, dude.
Asbergers is at best over-diagnosed and at worst almost nonexistent. ADHD and ADD are just straight up imaginary. All three have "symptoms" that are experienced by almost everybody. It's not a mental disability, it's being human. Really anyone who isn't a boring dumbass is at risk of being diagnosed with ADD or even Asbergers. And most people who "suffer" from ADHD are just normal people albeit annoying. Annoying in a perfectly normal way. They're not retarded they're just irritating.
ReplyI can see many others below commented on the plight of being someone with real Asperger's in a sea of dickish pretenders, so I'll just shut up about how I really do have Asperger's and let you scroll down. XD
ReplyNot saying that you don't actually have it but that's the same thing the fakers say. Usually it's not the faker's fault though. The doctor tells them they have Asbergers and they just go along with it.
I was diagnosed with Asperger's when I was about 4... The problem was that no one explained to me what it was. So I ended up convinced I had the infinitely worse Ass Burgers Syndrome.
ReplyThat ruined any chance I had for "Aspergian Pride."
As, apparently, the other hundreds of other readers who've been officially diagnosed with Asperger's, I see the excuse of Asperger's syndrome being used daily as a get-out-of-life-free card.
ReplyBut Christ, what I don't get is why people are so offended about it. I have Asperger's. One of the dozens, if not hundreds of gradations. Some lazy c**k claims Asperger's to explain his dickish behaviour or convince himself he's some prodigy child? f**k him, how's that supposed to be offensive to me?
We're not a race, or a bleeding culture. It's like me claiming I've got menstrual cramps to get out of gym class. Aside from the fact that I'm, you know, a guy, how would that be offensive to women? It's a handy excuse that's being copied.
Admittedly, not very much so for men. But it was the only example I could think of.
this has to be the most AAHH so stupid oh well people will be people
ReplyI think pretending to have aspergers is like painting your face black or pretending to have down syndrome, disgracefully offensive
ReplyI agree with you so much! As someone who as a legitimate condition that is extremely similar to Asphergers (perinatal temporal right hemisphere HAI with an NVLD co-morbidity), and having to spend years of my life manually having to learn how to read faces, socially interact, write neatly despite having reduced nerve control to my dominant hand (ended up having to do most fine motor tasks with my nondominant right hand, due to the reduced nerve control of the left, that's the one little extra thing an HAI has that Asphergers doesn't) read graphs properly, grasp abstract concepts, analyze people and characters, go through school with NVLD, etc, I find it EXTREMELY offensive that anyone would have the utter audacity to fake a difficult-to-live-with condition. They really ought to be ashamed- as those of us who work hard to learn to be social deserve to be treated with a degree of respect, not the ridicule the fakers bring upon us.
Oh and to be stereotypical, I freakin' love Star Trek :P
The people claiming Asperger's are dicks, plain and simple. I was diagnosed with it by a professional myself years ago. I lived with very few friends at a time for years, usually in misery. By all accounts, I would consider myself cured-I'm in a stable relationship, can understand other people well, and just come off to most as "a geek" (which I'm happy to be.) You say it's actually a thing? Okay, I believe you. But both for the people who have it and the whiny antisocials who just want an excuse, they both need to do the same thing: learn to co-operate with and understand people so you can get along with them. An IEP from my public grade school taught me to fit in, so for fuck's sake, whether you're a sufferer or a dick, just go see a therapist.
ReplyI don't see a problem with #5 (excluding PETA). I think being boiled alive is pretty f*****g cruel. As for everything else, I don't see what's so offensive. Maybe that #4 wasn't the craziest one? Just imagine all the plants armed with pitchforks to ward off us evil abusive humans. Beware the lettuce.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesBeing boiled alive is pretty f*****g cruel. On the other hand, forcing cows to live caged lives is cruel, keeping chickens in boxes is cruel, shooting and stabbing deer is cruel, and child slavery is cruel. But yeah, killing lobsters is bad.
Yeah, I wholeheartedly agree about the lobster thing, but the snake thing I kind of agree on too, sure, snakes are scary, but they're really nice too, my sisters pet ball python Nagini (like in harry potter) is practically a kitten, our other pet snake is pretty placid too, so I guess I would like to see people being less scared of them.
Lobsters don't even feel pain because their nerve system is so simple. They're basically sentient. So yeah, I'll continue gratuitously eating as many poor helpless lobsters thank you very much.
I have Asperger's myself (yes I was diagnosed by a doctor with proper certification, in person), anyways, I'm disgusted by those who believe that it is an excuse to prevent from having to self-improve, my family thinks whenever they go "Why don't you understand" and I answer with "Asperger's" it's an excuse. I personally say it to mean "I'm working on it" not "I shouldn't have to"
ReplyFunny, my uncle used to make a joke about how the lobster tank in the supermarket was like death row for lobsters.
ReplyYeah that's f*****g hilarious. f**k you!
Sincerely,
Dr. J. Zoidberg
I didn't bother with reading #1. I just assumed it was some bullshit about snake burgers.
ReplyThis article was pretty offensive, but worst of all it wasn't really funny, either. For example, saying that we should treat animals humanely isn't a bad cause - PeTa is simply very easy to make fun of, and far too extreme. It's not good humour when the best joke you can make about the article is 'They taste good!' After all, i'm sure having free money is nice, but we still banned slavery! ^^ All in all, this article could definitely be saved if a little more consideration had been put into it. It's a decent subject for an article, but one that should be treated delicately, in my opinion. Especially because if you don't, you end up getting dozens of self-diagnosed autistics posting obnoxious comments on the message board. *Cough*
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesYour paragraph can eat my ass
look, I see why boiling lobsters is considered inhumane and I rather agree, but that's the only remotely reasonable cause listed here :/
So hang on, you're complaining that this article is offensive, but in the same paragraph, comparing animal rights to rights of an oppressed race of people? Slaves deserved rights and freedom, but there's only so many rights that you can give a freaking lobster. What's next, letting it vote in the presidential elections? I'm just waiting for Peta to start campaigning against feline abortions.
We mock PETA because the founder is batshit crazy. She funds arsonists and murderers and sterilised herself because she doesn't believe in reproduction. And thank God for that too.
I know somebody with three children who she claims all have Aspergers and depression. They are up to the age of 13, on meds, zombie like and I could go on. What are the chances that the fourth kid that is on its way will have it too? The government funding for this must be like a winning lottery ticket!
ReplyAspergers isn't real its just an excuse for lazy anti social children who have been poorly raised to not be responsible for their own shortcomings. Its more pop psychology to get more people on medication.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesAspergers is a real condition, it's just abused, sort of like how hyper people say they have ADD. Some people tend to "explain" their personalities by self-diagnosing mental disorders.
There aren't any meds for Asperger's...
Do you believe autism is real?
Not being raised properly?! Lazy?! I have Asperger's and I have a great family, good grades, and a bright future ahead of me. Shut yo face.
How did I know there would tons of posts from "real" Asperger's sufferers?
ReplyBecause normal people just click the next random link and leave the commenting to the people who are actually affected by something in this article? And since none of us are lobsters, it automatically became an Asperger's issue.
They need to put Occupy Wall Street bozos on this list.
ReplyBecause f**k the poor, amirite?
Abuse ALL the lobsters!
ReplyWow, did the author of this actually like... read anything on that asperger's website? or did you just skim through it? because a lot of what you wrote about it is total BS (maybe even all of it, haven't finished reading the site) and no, I don't have asperger's (not even self diagnosed) i think this is a good cause, people should be more aware of autism and asperger's, so they can be more understanding towards each other.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesI have a sister diagnosed with Asperger's and a brother with severe autism/mental retardation. These conditions need more attention and support, definitely. If my little sister is happy and functional the way she is, then I think she doesn't need to change anything, but that doesn't mean she shouldn't have access to therapy and such, because it really is a life-impacting condition, whether you're happy that way or not.
The problem is that there -are- a lot of people who don't get diagnosed and just assume that they must have Asperger's because they have a lack of social skills. There's a LOT more to Asperger's than a lack of social skills, and it takes a real doctor to make a real diagnosis, but neurotypical people claim that they have it because it gives them an excuse to be rude to others. They aren't dealing with the very real struggles that come with having a difference in mental processing, but they're trying to reap the benefits of it all the same.
It's almost like if white people started dying their skin and pretending to be black so that they can get affirmative action and such without actually undergoing any of the very real struggles that real black people face on a daily basis. I make this comparison as a white person, by the way.
People who really have Asperger's and other types of autism deal with struggles that neurotypical people could never really identify with. It goes way beyond "I like being a jerk." They lack a filter and have to go their whole lives learning how to handle delicate social situations. They have trouble making and keeping friends, especially at a young age when most of the other kids don't even know what autism is. That some people think it's okay to use it as an excuse for their own -chosen- behavior is sickening, at best.
My boyfriend has AS and he's annoyed by all these AS pride people too--far too many people self-diagnose because they are actually just self-involved. I also went to a college that was very AS friendly-in a college of 2000, we had about 200 people on the spectrum, so awareness was kinda all over. Being kinda pedantic (ie saying you're a new development in evolution) isn't AS, it's asshole.
I agree. Preople do need to be aware of autism and aspergers syndrome. And it doesnt help the author's point of view calling it a retarded cause. Some people with retarded family members- like myself- take offense.I dont call someone who is socially awkward being "aspergers" . And, i dont think i have ever met anyone who pretends to be autistic in real life - not the internet.
I'm sure it's been brought up before, but you don't actually boil the lobsters alive. The pain of dying like that would cause them to tense up and release chemicals that would alter the flavor of the meat. We just chop their brains in half first.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesReally? Interesting--I didn't know that. Definitely good to bring up. Someone should write a strongly worded letter to PETA.
Actually, the best thing is to immerse them in ice-cold water to numb their nervous systems, so they
1. don't suffer, and
2. remain extremely tasty when boiled.
I live in Maine, married into a family of lobstermen, worked as a stern man, and ate lobster often. I have never killed a lobster before cooking it, nor do I know anyone who does. Lobsters have no cerebral cortex and are incapable of feeling pain. Efforts to ease their suffering by killing them quickly before boiling are completely wasted.
People who CLAIM to have the non-existent disease Aspergers can go screw. This cannot be said often enough.
ReplyFirstly, Asperger's is NOT a disease. It's a disorder. And it exists very much so, just like Autism does (Aspergers is just a toned-down form of Autism.) And not all people just claim to have it. It can be diagnosed by a psychologist or psychiatrist. But I agree with you partially- a lot of people that claim to have Aspergers (and don't) need to grow up.