Nick Coffin
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It's a scientific fact that you're more likely to buy something if the advertising features someone you'd like to bone, be it a Victoria's Secret commercial or the cover of a box of sexy, sexy Cheerios.
The recording industry knows this, but sometimes forgets that not every musician is suitable for the role of sexy cover model. So, we get unintentionally hilarious/horrifying results like...
Really? We're honestly supposed to believe that a massage is all this creepy bastard has on his mind? This album should be called Music to Drug Some Woman You Meet At a Bar So You Can Take Her Home and Chain Her Up in Your Rape Dungeon For Six Months At Which Point You Mistakenly Begin to Believe Has Developed Feelings For You So You Unchain Her and She Escapes and the Police Arrest You and Find Sixteen Skulls Buried Under Your Front Porch By.
And we don't even want to know what's in the "Illustrated Instruction Booklet" that comes with it.
Question: Why is Rick James wearing Conan the Barbarian's loincloth, a UFC championship belt, leather studded legwarmers and greased up with a half quart of body oil? All while chilling in a dungeon and wielding a bleeding guitar stolen from Gene Simmons?
Answer: Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
"Yeah, so we were all camping and one morning, we thought it would be funny to snap a picture of Jim while he was in the shower, right? So we walk up to him, tap him on the shoulder and just as he turned around this huge rat somehow leaps into the frame and passes right under his nose when we took the picture! Yeah, he looks like he has the most ridiculous mustache ever in the picture. Classic."
Is it just us, or is Prince is the only person who looks less manly when he's not wearing lady clothes? See, this is why Prince is a national treasure who we will deeply miss when he's gone; he's the one man on Earth who has heard the phrase, "Hey, buddy, we'd be less uncomfortable over here if you'd put on a ruffled lace shirt and a pair of assless crushed velvet bell bottoms."
Yes, this is THAT John Travolta. We're not sure what Travolta was going for, but he looks like the kid on the cover of U2's Boy album...
...if that kid had been kidnapped and police released one of those computer age progression photos to show us what he would look like 20 years later.
It's interesting how you can tell whether someone is naked versus merely topless, even if the photo only shows them waist-up. Because these men are nude. You know they are. They're not even wearing socks.
Clues? The guy in the middle is looking down at his friend's junk. What do you find so interesting, Mr. Beard? Are you impressed by his personal grooming? Is he aroused? We shall never know.
So you groggily wake up with a terrible hangover, you roll over in bed and see this.
As with the above cover, you can just sense the nudity here. Naked, with maybe a pair of moon boots on. We're guessing Adam posed for this assuming it was going to be a full-body shot on the cover, and the record company cropped it down as far as they could to minimize the horror.
First of all, holy shit, is that Nicolas Cage? Probably not, but between the chest hair and the seductive stare, we find it hard to believe he's just got music on his mind, album cover or not. Hope that flute is as lubed up as his chest is!
Has a dude striking this pose ever been considered sexy even once in the history of ever? It's a little known fact that being photographed in this position is actually illegal in 38 states unless you have a mustache, a contract with Playgirl and an 11-inch wang.
We would like to know where we can buy a pair of those shorts though.
Nothing turns on a man like metal lingerie that, by our count, has 13 different points capable of tearing open your scrotum if she makes an unexpected move.
Word to the wise: The meaning of your album's title can change based on the album cover. For example, the album's song of the same name reveals that the title "Chocolate Box" refers to the singer telling some fine woman that he does not want to be treated like "the first chocolate in the box" before she moves on to some other dude. But we don't care who you are, where you're from, or how open-minded you are about sexuality: When you see that picture, you're forced to assume "chocolate box" is referring to a dude's butthole.
Shortly after taking this picture, Ted Nugent was shot and killed by Clarice Starling. And just what the hell is a "love grenade" anyway? It's just a regular grenade, isn't it, Ted? ISN'T IT!?
We're certainly not going to doubt Trina's qualifications as "da baddest b***h," but we do have some questions regarding her medical credentials. Even a first year medical student knows that administering a shock with a defibrillator during sexual intercourse is the leading cause of vaginal electrocution in the United States.
Also, while having sex with someone until their heart stops is at least understandable in the realms of sexual braggadocio, it appears that Trina has somehow sexed this man into suffering a fatal head wound. We're pretty sure that means you're doing something wrong.
There's a lot going on in this album cover, and all of it is awesome. But what you can't see is what happened moments later. The snake actually got this woman pregnant. Nine months later, she gave birth to a full-size 1978 Ford Econoline Van with an airbrushed picture of a Viking riding a fire breathing dragon through the night sky on the side of it.
This is either one of the worst album covers ever or the best refrigerator ad of all time. Either way, Cerrone certainly isn't aiming too high when it comes to his idea of paradise. Most people dream up some utopia that is completely unachievable. Cerrone, on the other hand, is a bathroom remodel and a kidnapping away from living in the world he's always yearned for. It's admirable, really.
Look, we think it's bullshit that the mass media has decided that women over 30 can't be attractive without extensive surgery. But Madonna was 49-freaking-years old when this picture was taken, and dammit, that is past the time when you should be shoving your lycra-covered crotch into the camera. There have to be more dignified ways to show off your mature sexuality. Your grandchildren should not have to see grandma spread-eagle in lace-up boots.
Wait, is that really the devil's gun? Because it looks like one of those T-shirt guns that they break out during half time at NBA games. And does the devil even need a gun? Is this what's keeping man from finally winning the eternal battle between good versus evil that burns inside us all? We're too intimidated by the devil's freaking potato gun to take him on? This cover is full of logical flaws.
And just like that, there goes our erection. Great.
What's more disgusting than finding a worm in your apple? Biting into it and finding two tiny people boning.
Take a look at this. A long look. Keep looking...
"What? What am I supposed to be seeing here, Cracked? All I see is OH MY GOD WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIS FOREHEAD!?"
When not trying to be funny on Cracked, Nick is brainstorming the sequel to his incredibly awesome Kingdom Hearts parody. Find more of his work on Gunaxin.
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The music world is just full of stupid decisions. Check out The 15 Worst Album Covers of All-Time and The 20 Worst Album Titles of All Time.
And stop by our Top Picks (Updated Today! Shit!) to see David Wong's reenactment of the Lovesexy cover.
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