We've been spoiled by Disney and Pixar. When you think of an animated movie you usually picture something that's pretty damned good (or at least mildly entertaining, if you're talking about Dreamworks).
But then there is the dark underbelly of animated film, hacks and zero budget backroom operations trying to make money off these modern classics. The results of their work are amazing, in the way that horrible natural disasters are amazing.
Video Brinquedo, the Brazilian producer of this Cars ripoff, built an entire empire on ripped-off Pixar cartoons and hatred of children. Their whole business model rests on getting their movies bought by easily confused grandmothers as a shitty Christmas gift, sort of like when you ask your mom to pick up Burger King and she brings back a dog turd between two buns also made out of dog turds.
Or a Wendy's burger (yeah, we went there).
In this case, they decided to show us how Cars could have looked if one person animated the entire thing and loaded it with sexual innuendos built around bad puns, which include but are no means limited to comments about the size of the female character's headlights.
"My dipstick is rock hard right now."
After about 20 minutes of ridiculous puns, we finally get to the movie's plot: The main character complains that he is not a race car, while everyone else mumbles half-hearted reassurances. Somehow money is gambled on a race, shenanigans happen and predictably enough, the main character saves the day. There's no drama, no climax, not even a damned montage to explain why he's suddenly awesome at racing.
Also, the animated cars are soulless monstrosities that appear to have been rendered on a PlayStation 1:
So, the underdog wins, someone makes a joke to a chorus of laughter, the credits roll and everyone lives happily ever after, except for the poor children who learn the most important lesson of all: Adults don't care about you, and are simply trying to find ways to squeeze cash from your parents.
This, right here, is enough to turn any kid into a serial killer.
A haphazard splicing of Charlotte's Web and Babe, Spider's Web looks like something done in MS Paint with the sole purpose of teaching kids not to do acid.
Which it fails at by showing us a skeleton that fucking rules.
The story starts when a little pig eats his mother's pie. We can tell the pie was important because she locked it in a cage.
You know, the way people do with baked goods. The pig lies about it, and at this point a snake with a cell phone shows up and drives the pig to a hotel owned by aliens. It turns out the snake's credit card doesn't work and they have to rob a gas station, which leads to a high speed pursuit by some crabs that shoot rockets.
Sort of like CHiPs. With rockets. And crabs.
Are you following the logic of this so far? If so, you should probably be on some sort of medication. After, the pig and snake accidentally turn on a television only to have it spring to life and try to murder them while destroying the entire structure they're standing in...
...eventually the pig and snake end their insane road trip in Hollywood. There the pig gets attacked by robots, stuck in a giant fishbowl with a piranha and assailed by a living fly swatter. This is probably symbolic for something, and we're guessing if you can follow the symbolism you are also probably barred from ever holding a job that allows you to touch a firearm.
In the end the snake, who turns out to be evil, tries to kill the pig by feeding him into a living sausage making machine but is thwarted at the last minute by the pig's wise bug companion, a role normally reserved for Jiminy Cricket but in this movie is played by a Jamaican spider. The pig learns not to lie, somehow, and we learn what it's like to gaze into the maw of madness itself.
In anticipation of Disney's The Princess and the Frog, this cartoon studio decided to try and cash in by taking the fairy tale of the frog prince and turning it into one 40-minute long sexual innuendo.
We're treated to an annoyingly shallow princess that complains about everything, a king overly resentful that his daughter won't bend to his patriarchal will and a frog that weaves a tapestry of lies in order to get laid.
That last part made it sound kind of awesome, but it's not. The plot is as engaging as watching a foot race between two convenience stores. There is absolutely no conflict to speak of and nothing of any consequence happens. But even worse, the voice acting is done in the stilted "my line is over, now you talk" style one inevitably gets when you staff your animated film with homeless people you grabbed off the street:
The king complains that his daughter thinks for herself and doesn't marry the first man she sees, the frog pretends to be a forest sprit and orders the girl to marry him and the princess stomps around being a huge bitch.
Also, the majority of the movie takes place in this inexplicably warped fish eye room.
Despite the stereotypical black accents and the ragged "African jungle" clothing, the movie is so lazy it can't even get off the sofa long enough to be offensive. The whole movie just sort of sits there, staring at you, waiting for you to leave as if you have inconvenienced it by watching. See the flowers on the window sill below? And how you've put more care into drawing a doodle on the back of your notebook while talking on the phone?
Yeah, the whole project really stays right at that level of effort.
What better subject to teach kids about politics and sex than a shitty rip-off of Bee Movie? Plan Bee weaves a subtle tapestry of both topics - the bees fly in front of famous landmarks and comment on how important the former presidents were while decrying the evils of monarchal rule. However, the message loses some of its meaning when it's delivered by insects speaking like illiterate 12-year olds.
Also, he looks like a guy that wore Big Johnson T-shirts in the 90s.
The whole movie is motivated by the idea that bees make sweet, sweet love to many flowers, flinging pollen left and right. Unfortunately, an evil queen is trying to force the bees to mine one particular flower until it's all dried up, making metaphorical insect rape the central plot point in a children's movie. The bees complain about being forced to pummel a single plant over and over again before finally rallying together to overthrow the evil queen, with what no one will ever convince us is not a gang bang:
And just when you're convinced that this whole experience cannot get any worse, right before the credits roll we are left with an image of bees sticking their stingers into honey, thrusting back and forth and producing queen jelly which they guzzle in ecstasy.
Jesus, it's like a party at Tom Sizemore's house.
Inspired by the raging success of Cars, SparkPlug Cartoons decided make their own Pixar rip-off. The end result is exactly what you would expect from a children's movie animated, written and directed by a single person in a sweatshop, and who also has never seen a child.
Kids like the desert, right?
The whole movie is a zoomed out shot of a Road Warrior-esque wasteland where Sparky, a teenage car, is going through his rebellious years, breaking the speed limit and smoking cigarettes behind 7-Eleven.
Sparky starts sneaking out at night to watch drive-in movies with a female car that seems to be at the very least mildly retarded, and we get to watch his dad fume with disappointment as his completely unentertaining antics become more and more annoying to him and us both:
By the time Sparky sneaks out into the Bad Lands with a smooth talking car that actually wants to turn him into scrap metal, we're pretty much cheering for Sparky's horrible demise. Unfortunately, the girl car gets chopped to pieces instead while Sparky has some dialogue about responsibility.
"Her horrific death has taught me an important lesson!"
Afterwards, the evil car reveals he had absolutely no motivation for his actions and the cops show up to give him a ticket for driving without a license (they let the whole "murdering a female" thing slide). For some inexplicable reason everyone starts laughing and the credits roll. Though there is an upside: We like to think that at least one toddler was inspired to a life of film-making when they realized they could actually have made a better movie themselves as an infant with no training, only a dim understanding of the differences between still images and reality, a budget of four Cheerios, and the power of imagination instead of a camera.
So as misguided and downright mean-spirited as it is to try to make some quick cash off the back of bitter childhood disappointment, at least the horrible knockoffs were knocking off movies intended for children.
And then we have the Titanic animated movie, an attempt to jump on board the popularity of a blockbuster without first checking to see if 90 percent of the characters drown horribly at the end. And yet that, friends, is the least bizarre thing about this production. Please take a moment to enjoy this rapping dog:
See, while the main plot loosely follows the story of James Cameron's Titanic (and Cinderella, we suppose), they needed to rework it for the kiddies. So, the rest of the movie is made up of disjointed, nightmarish elements from completely different cartoons, with characters ripped straight out of 101 Dalmatians, Tom and Jerry and Speedy Gonzalez.
The end result is pretty close to what you would get if you randomly taped five minutes of 25 different Saturday morning cartoons, edited them all together and called it Titanic. Despite being only an hour long, it manages to introduce around 35 different characters and about 10 plotlines. And a rapping dog.
Who looks kind of like Sam Elliott.
The boat does sink, long past the point where we are begging for the deaths of everyone involved. But as everyone--including that goddamned dog--is floating in the icy water, a pack of dolphins appears out of nowhere to save them all. Just in time to give all of the children a grossly inaccurate idea of how boating safety works, and to instill in us a sudden appreciation for non-dolphin-safe tuna.
Find more from Jack at http://media.gunaxin.com/author/jack
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For more knock-offs you're likely unaware of, check out 9 Foreign Rip-Offs Cooler Than The Hollywood Originals and 6 Famous Characters You Didn't Know Were Shameless Rip-Offs .
And stop by our Top Picks (Updated Today! Shit!) to see our knock-off of Pulp Fiction, starring Swaim as Marsellus.