The 6 Most Baffling Superheroes from Around the World
A superhero symbolizes his society's loftiest ideals. For example, Captain America embodies America's freedoms, just as Batman reflects our national pastime of dressing as winged rodents and climbing on bat-shaped grappling hooks.
So what do the following heroes say about their native lands? We have zero clue, but if you put them together on a super-team, you'd have one fine Justice League of Crazy.
Cutey Honey debuted in 1973 and is notable for being the first Japanese manga heroine. However, no one would mistake Honey for a feminist icon, as her ridiculous superpowers are right out of an anime nerd's wettest of dreams.
But first we have her origin story, which reads like the plot of Terminator Salvation mixed with Are You There God? It's Me Margaret. Honey Kisaragi thought she was an ordinary teenager until she discovered that she was a super-powered android version of her dead human self. She then realized that upon shouting "Honey Flash!" her clothes would self-destruct and she would turn into a busty redheaded crime fighter.
"Honey Flash," literally.
The most ridiculous part of all this is that Cutey Honey's garments have exploded in every damn adventure for the past 30+ years. Heck, even Bruce Banner finally learned to buy purple chinos in bulk, but, as this clip from her 2007 TV show demonstrates, Cutey Honey is still streaking for justice.
There's so much wrong here we don't know where to start. First note that the camera lingers on her sparkling, barely legal nudity way too long.
The slow-motion sequence finally stops after this crook is blinded by either her roundhouse kick or the sight of her horrifying robo-vagina. We're not sure which.
"Look at my uncanny valley!"
Flash Bomba is the creation of famed Filipino graphic novelist Mars Ravelo. Because an accident crippled his legs, Flash trained the rest of his body to become super strong. After overcoming his handicap in a Lifetime-afternoon-movie-worthy fashion, Flash did what any plucky paraplegic would do: beat up a Tikbalang--a mythic beast with a man's body and horse's head--and steal its magic powers.
What amazing abilities did this reverse centaur give Flash? Crap ones. The Tikbalang was so irked that our hero got Murderball on his ass, he bestowed Flash with freakishly swollen hands and feet. Not just a little swollen; "Dom DeLuise drunk in an apiary" swollen.
In addition to being able to palm a dozen basketballs, Flash Bomba's hands have other "handy" super-human applications. He can summon demon horses (of course!) and clap loud enough to stop tornadoes, as seen in his 2009 TV series.
Notice that the crowd is appreciative but only lukewarmly so. It's like they're thinking, "America gets Superman. Japan gets that girl whose clothes blow up. We get Hamburglar at the Manila Gay Pride Parade."
And he has gout!
Splatter is an ally of Captain Canuck, a Canadian version of Captain America who is frequently mistaken for Guardian, Marvel Comics' own Canadian Captain America. So yeah, as the sidekick of a Z-list rip-off, Splatter is just about the saddest hero alive.
His powers are even more depressing. Splatter carries a special paintball gun and travels around the urban jungle via trapeze ropes. When he sees criminal activity, he marks the offender with a paintball splat so Captain Canuck knows whom to punch. Imagine if Robin did nothing except scream "LOOK! CRIME!" and you'll get a sense of Splatter's worthlessness.
Form of... California Raisin!
Splatter's alter ego is Manuel Ferrara, which is incidentally also the name of an award-winning French porn director. It's more plausible that Splatter is Manuel Ferrara's secret identity rather than vice versa.
There are plenty of Superman clones around the world, but few are as curious as Super Shamou. The first Inuit superhero, Shamou receives his powers not from another planet or genetic mutation, but from a shaman's amulet of caribou teeth.
How'd you think Santa's sleigh flies?
In 1987, creator Barney Pattunguyak oversaw the production of a Super Shamou program for the Inuit Broadcasting Corporation. The show featured Shamou patrolling Canada's Northwest Territories, saving uncoordinated children from falling off of boats and cliffs.
"Stop falling off of things, damnit."
The only footage we could find of Super Shamou's exploits was from the old comedy clip show Maximum Exposure, so just pretend that we wrote all the jokes (and that they're all bowel-burstingly hilarious).
Sadly, his exploits lasted only three episodes and one comic book. Why? The Northwest Territories have a population of around 43,000--we're pretty sure Super Shamou simply ran out of clumsy kids to rescue.
In 1996, Akihito Yoshitomi and his Japanese pals all sat down and decided that they wanted to create a new badass manga hero--so badass, that his power didn't make any goddamn sense. Thus, Eat-Man was born.
What were his powers? Well, Eat-Man--also known as Bolt Crank--could eat virtually anything that he could shove into his mouth and regurgitate back as a useful object, usually through his arm. Here's the standard trajectory of an Eat-Man episode:
#1. Eat-Man consumes something lethally inedible (in this case, gunpowder).
#2. One of Eat-Man's appendages becomes a ludicrous weapon.
#3. The monster soils itself out of sheer befuddlement.
#4. Eat-Man blows his enemy away. Our hero silently hoping that no one notices that his power is a magical form of bulimia.
The series suggests that Eat-Man came into existence before humans, citing a prophecy of a "man that eats anything" who will be mankind's savior. Hey, any messiah who can eat more than a dozen loaded firearms without reaching for the Beano is cool with us.
In our Justice League of Crazy, Super Shamou is Superman, Eat-Man is Green Lantern with an eating disorder, so Zsazsa Zaturnnah must be Wonder Woman, right? Well, this Filipino Amazon has a certain something in common with Aquaman, and that thing is a penis. Whaaa?
Somewhere, a very confused soul is wanking off to this.
OK, so it's a little more complex than that. Zsazsa doesn't have a John Thomas--Ada, her homosexual male alter ego, does. Double whaaa?
We'll just shut up and let the highly informative trailer for Zsazsa's 2006 movie do the talking:
For those of you who can't speak Tagalog/aren't completely insane by now, we'll clarify. Our story begins when Ada, a small town beautician, discovers a stereotypically pink meteorite.
Ada then does what any normal person would do when faced with a large, potentially toxic space rock: Hork the whole thing down in one gulp.
What is this? Eat-Man?
After devouring the cosmic mineral for no good reason, Ada screams the magic word "Zaturnnah!" and transforms into ZsaZsa, supermanwoman extraordinaire! Before you scoff at the total weirdness of Zsazsa's gender-bending escapades, know that the comic is extremely popular in the Philippines and has even been adapted into an award-winning musical. A superhero musical! Who'd be crazy enough to do that?
Read more from Joe and others at For Us...By Other People.
For more superhero insanity, check out Marvel Comics vs. Science: 5 of the Most Absurd Superhero Origins and 6 Superheroes Who Completely Lost Their Shit.
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