CRACKED IN TIME! A ROUND-UP
Another wild week at Cracked is dead and buried. It's okay...you can cry. Grief is perfectly normal at a time like this. But wait...what's this? A time machine! With this we can go back in time and revisit a whole week of ground-breaking penis jokes!
First up this week we roll through Swaimtown and find out what's up in the mad, mad land of Joaquin Phoenix's head. Next up, Bucholz bores us to tears with complicated economic witchery, while Brockway excuses assholeish behavior with science. Gladstone brings some class into this dirty joint with his fancy new April Fools article, but Dan O'Brien drags us right back down with an article about famed midget activist Fred Savage.
THE CLAWS THAT BITE, THE CLAWS THAT CATCH! |
 8 Awesome Cases of Internet Vigilantism.
4chan is like Batman, if he had Asperger's syndrome and a penchant for tentacle porn. |
Notable Comment: Jpj420 is confused, "I don't condone cruelty to animals but why do people get more upset if you beat the s**t out of a cat as opposed to an actual person. People are f****n' looney tunes." Thankfully tamago is there with an explanation. "Because people are generally assholes. So a lot of them deserve to get beaten. Babies, children and cripples are the exception to this." We agree wholeheartedly, tamago. If only the courts felt the same way...
FUCK AUSTRALIA! |
 7 Terrifying Creatures You'll Never See Coming.
Sleep well, dear readers. |
Notable Comment:Signe asks, "Am I the only one who thinks the gaboon viper is unbelievably cute? I went *aaaaaaawwww* all the time while I watched that video." Not at all. Most of our writing staff loves snakes. They're the best way to silence a rival writer without too much susp.... Yes. Cute. They're very cute.
DRAMATIC MUSIC! |
 7 Awesome Super Powers Ruined By Science.
Damn you science! We should've sided with the creationists when they wanted to kill you. |
Notable Comment:boombalonga thinks he's found a perfect superpower. "i'd love me some "super" senses. not like, superman style, but about as good as a dog or cat's. when i'm walking my dog, he can smell, hear and see s**t way before i can. and it makes me jealous. i could smell when my lady was aroused without having to trouble myself with trying to work my way under her clothes. that would rule. " We grant that would be pretty cool. But you'd also smell when the 450 pound trucker sitting next to you on the bus was aroused, and that's something you just don't want to know.
MAGIC LEGS! |
 5 Technologies That Turn Handicaps Into Superpowers.
Man, those damned cripples have all the luck.
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Notable Comment: ArthurSpeakman doesn't understand what 'passive aggressive' means. "Cracked yesterday: Superpowers would make you miserable. Cracked Today: Lost a limb? You could get superpowers! You're so Passive Aggressive, Cracked. "
HEURLGHTH |
 Yogurt Pepsi: 14 Horrifying Soft Drinks from Around the World
To hell with you, Japan. |
Notable Comment: Glendoor42 shares a horrible truth of the universe with us. "An interesting side note, during the height of the AIDS crisis it was reported that Korean prostitutes had a lower instance of the virus. All the scientists could figure is that it was because they ate kimchi. Even AIDS is scared of kimchi."
NET_WORK! |
 The New Guy's Got A Secret.
Featuring No One New! |
YOU YOU YOU! |
 The Retarded Truth Behind the World's 12 Greatest Mysteries.
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contest, Great April Fools Pranks We Can Only Wish Had Happened.
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3.26.09:
I told you I bag a lot of chicks.
by slickjamesjik
Editor's pick:
I always find women sexier when they're casually suffocating.
by mysecretbush
3.25.09:
Tim Burton's Nightmare Before Spring Break
by JStanshall
Editor's pick:
"So, Jane, I heard Andy finally proposed, how did he do it?"
by humanity
3.24.09:
This little piggy had a degree in engineering.
by sofaking
Editor's pick:
It was the last time Salvadore Dali was allowed to organize Burning Man.
by Julius_Goat
3.23.09:
God said, "Noah, you shall create a great boat... and on it you will save two of every animal from the great flood."
Then Noah asked unto God, "Shall I include thine enormous, self-aware, cleaning supply cans?"
And God said, "Lol. Nah."
by gm_zero
Editor's pick:
he will clean your SOUL
by soda26
3.22.09:
I yearn for the days when all a young Japanese girl had to worry about was tentacle rape. Those were simpler days.
by ahoythere4
Editor's pick:
Before textbooks were invented: "I'll just hide my massive erection with this strategically placed duck..."
by uatemyduck
3.21.09:
You may laugh, but when the zombies rise, guess whose house WON'T be overrun?
by Solieyu
Editor's pick:
YOU go outside and get the paper! Like I'm falling for that one twice!
by Dr.Pepper
3.20.09:
Well, we didn't really know what to feed him...
by crazyivan
Editor's pick:
"Okay," Sam said as he exited the van. "Everybody remember where we parked."
by humanity
