Cracked Columnists

Bearded Insanity: The Phoenix Chronicles

Howdy JP-heads!

It's Sunday morning, and you know what that means: it's time for our weekly update on Joaquin Phoenix's quest to become the craziest celebrity of all time! Yes, it's issue XVIII of your favorite e-newsletter, Bearded Insanity: The Phoenix Chronicles!

Please note: If you signed up for this newsletter hoping to receive information about the ongoing effort to ban disposable razors in Arizona mental hospitals, youve made a mistake. Youre looking for Fuzzy Logic: The Tuscon Tattler. I hope this answers some of the emails that have been flooding my inbox.

The Latest and Craziest!

JP has unveiled his official rapper name, and its a doozy! When youre telling your grandkids about the actor turned hobo who eventually tried to charge the President and was gunned down by Secret Service agents, you can end with and his name was Young Pheezy.

By our calculations, this rap name adds thirty points to JPs overall crazy index. By scrupulously avoiding any use of the powerful imagery associated with the phoenix and relying instead on a garbled parody of every novelty rapper name from the late 80s, hes put himself firmly on the road to becoming an obscure Jeopardy question.

But Young Pheezys been doing more than flipping through his CDs and combining other rappers names. Hes also been out touring, taking his twin products of bored-sounding rap and bewilderment to his fans!

As Im sure youll remember, I was excited to report that at a show in Vegas a while back, JP was both visibly drunk and fell of the stage after his set. It was all we could have asked from our favorite train wreck, but the generous benefactor has done us one better. Here he is leaping off stage to have a fistfight with a heckler! Although in fairness to the heckler, I think he was just shocked to see Matisyahu without his hat on.

The audio is pretty garbled, but I think at 1:46 he says Im a fucking baby cop. If thats true, we might just have a new entry for our monthly nuttiest thing JP said column, not to mention a new idea for our "12 Shades of Crazy" JP fan art calendar!

Film Role He Most Resembles!

For the ninth week in a row, Commodus from Gladiator. For those of you who havent seen it, he was crazy.

Celebrity Matchups!

Lets see how JPs antics compare to other entrants in the celebrity hall of batshit lunacy! This weeks contenderPhil Spector!

Appearance:

Joaquin looks like a coroner who fell asleep in a pile of steel wool. Spector looks like a cartoon character who got electrocuted.

WinnerPhil SpectorAs an Artist:

Joaquin refers to himself as a deep method actor, meaning that for a period of his life, he actually thought he was an incestuous roman emperor who fought off invading spacemen in the 1300s (but it was actually present day anyway). His Two Lovers co-star Isabella Rosselini calls him tortured.

Phil Spector once pointed a gun at Leonard Cohens head and forced The Ramones to re-record the opening chord for Rock and Roll High School for eight hours. His son calls him a monster.

WinnerPhil SpectorPersonal Life:

As a teenager, Joaquin had to call emergency services when his brother fatally overdosed at Johnny Depps party. He then followed the same career path as his dead elder brother for about twenty years before becoming the lovable ball of silence and psychoses that we know today.

Phil Spector built a gold coffin for his wife (while she was alive), killed his girlfriend and locked his son in a room with a bed and a chamber pot for months at a time.

WinnerPhil Spector

Sorry Joaquin, hes still got you beat. But hes like 60 now, and youve got many years of full-time nutbaggery ahead of you. Were rooting for you big guy! How much do gold coffins run these days?

Contest Winners!

Announcing the winners of last weeks sound alikes contest!

First Place: "Walking Penis" (sent in by M. Sommerville of Ann Arbor, Michigan) Second Place: "One King, Penis" (sent in by T. Corey of Fayetville, North Carolina)

Runner Up: "Wincing Ponies" (sent in by C. Valasquez of Caracas, Venezuela)

Congratulations! You will all receive a Bearded Insanity lifetime subscription as well as a lapel pin featuring Joaquin screaming incoherently.

Tracking the Insanity!

On this weeks scales, JP is officially as crazy as

Three Cruises!
Six Octomoms!
Half a Charles Manson!
Four point Eight barrels of flaming monkey crap!Advice From The Editor!

JP, if you want to keep climbing the charts, take some of these tips to heart:

  • Start using phrases that incorporate parts of your name in interviews. Your newest catch-phrase? Joa-kinky!
  • Kill someone, Just to see if you can get away with it. This is the big leagues, Phoenix. Youve got to spill some blood to make an omelette (see, sounding crazier already!).
  • Rapping is a great start, but youll probably want to move into an area even less associated with your image to make the clash truly apparent. Id recommend baseball, but I know you have shoulder problems. Its got to be something fairly high-profile thoughPresident? Airship captain?
  • Less clothing, more hair.

    • See you next week, Joaquin Pheonix-tronauts, and make sure to keep those candid JP photos coming!

    Seriously, do whatever it takes.

    When not bringing you the information you need to make your world a brighter place, Michael serves as head writer for and co-founder of Those Aren't Muskets!