Howdy JP-heads!
It’s Sunday morning, and you know what that means: it’s time for our weekly update on Joaquin Phoenix’s quest to become the craziest celebrity of all time! Yes, it’s issue XVIII of your favorite e-newsletter, Bearded Insanity: The Phoenix Chronicles!
Please note: If you signed up for this newsletter hoping to receive information about the ongoing effort to ban disposable razors in Arizona mental hospitals, you’ve made a mistake. You’re looking for Fuzzy Logic: The Tuscon Tattler. I hope this answers some of the emails that have been flooding my inbox.
The Latest and Craziest!
JP has unveiled his official rapper name, and it’s a doozy! When you’re telling your grandkids about the actor turned hobo who eventually tried to charge the President and was gunned down by Secret Service agents, you can end with “and his name was Young Pheezy.”
By our calculations, this rap name adds thirty points to JP’s overall crazy index. By scrupulously avoiding any use of the powerful imagery associated with the phoenix and relying instead on a garbled parody of every novelty rapper name from the late 80’s, he’s put himself firmly on the road to becoming an obscure Jeopardy question.
But Young Pheezy’s been doing more than flipping through his CDs and combining other rappers’ names. He’s also been out touring, taking his twin products of bored-sounding rap and bewilderment to his fans!
As I’m sure you’ll remember, I was excited to report that at a show in Vegas a while back, JP was both visibly drunk and fell of the stage after his set. It was all we could have asked from our favorite train wreck, but the generous benefactor has done us one better. Here he is leaping off stage to have a fistfight with a heckler! Although in fairness to the heckler, I think he was just shocked to see Matisyahu without his hat on.
The audio is pretty garbled, but I think at 1:46 he says “I’m a fucking baby cop.” If that’s true, we might just have a new entry for our monthly “nuttiest thing JP said” column, not to mention a new idea for our “12 Shades of Crazy” JP fan art calendar!
Film Role He Most Resembles!
For the ninth week in a row, Commodus from Gladiator. For those of you who haven’t seen it, he was crazy.
Celebrity Matchups!
Let’s see how JP’s antics compare to other entrants in the celebrity hall of batshit lunacy! This week’s contender…Phil Spector!
Appearance:
Joaquin looks like a coroner who fell asleep in a pile of steel wool. Spector looks like a cartoon character who got electrocuted.
Winner—Phil Spector
As an Artist:
Joaquin refers to himself as “a deep method” actor, meaning that for a period of his life, he actually thought he was an incestuous roman emperor who fought off invading spacemen in the 1300’s (but it was actually present day anyway). His Two Lovers co-star Isabella Rosselini calls him “tortured.”
Phil Spector once pointed a gun at Leonard Cohen’s head and forced The Ramones to re-record the opening chord for “Rock and Roll High School” for eight hours. His son calls him “a monster.”
Winner—Phil Spector
Personal Life:
As a teenager, Joaquin had to call emergency services when his brother fatally overdosed at Johnny Depp’s party. He then followed the same career path as his dead elder brother for about twenty years before becoming the lovable ball of silence and psychoses that we know today.
Phil Spector built a gold coffin for his wife (while she was alive), killed his girlfriend and locked his son in a room with a bed and a chamber pot for months at a time.
Winner—Phil Spector
Sorry Joaquin, he’s still got you beat. But he’s like 60 now, and you’ve got many years of full-time nutbaggery ahead of you. We’re rooting for you big guy! How much do gold coffins run these days?
Contest Winners!
Announcing the winners of last week’s “sound alikes” contest!
First Place: “Walking Penis” (sent in by M. Sommerville of Ann Arbor, Michigan)
Second Place: “One King, Penis” (sent in by T. Corey of Fayetville, North Carolina)
Runner Up: “Wincing Ponies” (sent in by C. Valasquez of Caracas, Venezuela)
Congratulations! You will all receive a Bearded Insanity lifetime subscription as well as a lapel pin featuring Joaquin screaming incoherently.
Tracking the Insanity!
On this week’s scales, JP is officially as crazy as…
Three Cruises!
Six Octomoms!
Half a Charles Manson!
Four point Eight barrels of flaming monkey crap!
Advice From The Editor!
JP, if you want to keep climbing the charts, take some of these tips to heart:
See you next week, Joaquin Pheonix-tronauts, and make sure to keep those candid JP photos coming!
Seriously, do whatever it takes.
When not bringing you the information you need to make your world a brighter place, Michael serves as head writer for and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!
This entry was posted on Sunday, March 22nd, 2009 at 4:00 am and is filed under Actors, Celebrities, Joaquin Pheonix, News. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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September 2nd, 2009 at 2:26 am
It sounds as though he’s saying “I’ve got a million dollars in the fucking bank account, what do you got bitch?” not the far more amusing “I’m a fucking baby cop.”
July 17th, 2009 at 10:30 am
Holy Shit, Micheal Swaim used HIS fingers to type in the name of MY hometown!
….(faints in typical fangirl style )…
June 29th, 2009 at 10:55 pm
Fayetteville, NC. not Fayetville, NC. Get it straight before i start building a gold coffin!
June 13th, 2009 at 10:57 am
Mr. Swaim,
I want You to know what a mercilessly unshakeable case of uncontrollable giggles I’ve had ever since I read your freakin’ Jeopardy question. Holy Shit.
Imagine a school teacher standing before students who all think I’ve caught the madness and the other teachers whispering behind their hands I’m still a little boozy from the night before.
Next thought: This is in no way a criticism, but something for us forum dwellers to consider.
Phoenix is an astounding actor.
You know, when I go to work, I don’t want my boss to know what I do outside the office.
I try to view celebrities that way when I read headlines about them as well. I can praise their onscreen work and pretend I didn’t just past them at the mall because they’re on “their time” and I’m on mine.
Along those lines, I give the man respect for his spectacular talent and the serious passion he puts into his craft.
If he wants to skip out on personal hygiene and just recite some unintelligible drivel he’s memorized up on a stage, let him…
June 11th, 2009 at 8:59 am
I love the “I’m a fuckin’ baby cop!!”
June 10th, 2009 at 2:42 pm
Oof. I’m still a little more weirded out by octo-mom. Woman’s uterus is just gonna explode one of these days…and seven trillion spider babies will fill the room.
If you’re a fan of Aqua Teen. Otherwise, you’ll have to content yourself with the less-hilarious prospect of how one blatso woman is going to mother a small country.
April 17th, 2009 at 6:14 am
Well, tbh being crazy like JP sounds like jolly good fun.
I mean… whats so great about being a celeb if u cant go mad ?
April 13th, 2009 at 8:41 pm
Love the reference to Phil Spector. Joaquin is now so crazy that he will become un-famous and maybe dead from his weirdness. Kinda like Andy Kaufman. He has jumped the shark and was a marginal actor to begin with. He can’t go all Dennis Rodman, Michael Jackson or Madonna on everyone and still generate enough bookings to pay his bills. Or drug habit. Or whatever got him here.
Joaquin’s raps are so lame I guess he never saw Eminem’s 8 Mile Road. If a white guy puts himself out there he has to deliver. His batshit behavior is not even funny enough to keep us all engaged. We’re not in on the joke and it makes him look pathetic. If he was my friend I would knock him out with a baseball bat and drive him straight to Dr. Drew or Dr. Phil. Out of love. Because I would hate to trip over this guy in the gutter, read his Obit in the paper, or drive up to a Taco Bell or Jack-In-The-Box and have him hand me my food.
April 11th, 2009 at 3:51 am
Sweet! More, more, more!
April 10th, 2009 at 12:49 pm
From what I heard, the scene from Walk The Line where he ripped the sink out of the wall was not scripted… he’s just that balls out insane…
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:33 pm
I kinda feel bad for the guy. He’s either trying to way too hard to find himself or needs stronger anti-depressants. He looks possessed in that first picture.
April 2nd, 2009 at 7:29 am
to MisterDifferent:
who-ah-keen
March 31st, 2009 at 9:41 pm
I still can’t figure out how to pronounce Mr. Phoenix’s first name…and that makes me sad.
March 30th, 2009 at 8:44 pm
Very nice information…the World needs more Bacon info! Thanks for this
March 29th, 2009 at 10:17 am
i wouldn’t be surprised if that scuffle was staged, but Joaquin Phoenix has an interesting sense of humor in any case
March 29th, 2009 at 8:40 am
Please post up more pictures of Jessica Simpson!
March 29th, 2009 at 8:31 am
Celebrity Gossip is awesome. I remember when Britany shaved her head and I searched all over the internet just to show my friends what she looked like. Do you have a Brittany section on this site.
March 27th, 2009 at 4:32 pm
“Wonky Fetus”
March 26th, 2009 at 11:22 pm
At 1:46 he says, “I got a million dollars in a fucking bank account! What do you want, bitch!?”
March 25th, 2009 at 5:00 pm
yes, that’s manson, today. he’s 74 today… and that picture is an updated picture released march 18th, 2009. if you look closely, you can see half of the swastica scar between his eyebrows
March 25th, 2009 at 9:18 am
“Walking Pizza” didnt make it? Damn it! I’ll try again in the next “sound-alike” contest.
Wait… that doesnt sound like Joaquin Phoenix at all! What the hell was I thinking?
March 24th, 2009 at 10:18 pm
TUSCON? I thought you knew better then that, Swaim. How could you misspell ‘Tucson’?
._.
March 24th, 2009 at 5:42 pm
Anyway you parse it the boy’s just a wannabe. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, has been able to throw down method-style bullshit antics like Andy Kaufman(RIP).
March 24th, 2009 at 12:03 pm
“MC Phoenix” would have worked fine.
March 24th, 2009 at 9:21 am
Tune in next week when gypsycourtship posts on another blogger even though he/she/whatever ’species’ they belong to because they’re bitter and jealous at having no friends/social life/disserning talent of any kind!
March 24th, 2009 at 8:22 am
funny vid, i will uploaded this to tall dating site http://tallconnect.com to share with my best friends,especially the hot models.
March 24th, 2009 at 7:48 am
Is it just me, or does that look *nothing* like Charles Manson? More like George Carlin to me. Great acticle, though!
March 24th, 2009 at 3:39 am
Swaim! Way to start blundering your way into an official career involving conceptions of mental health, beginning with your unabashed policy for rating people in terms of things that other people have no control over! But hey, its alright! I’m knee-deep in an article called “Why Michael Swaim Might Have the Most Undiagnosed Lung Cancer Out of Any Internet Writer In History” and “How Swaim’s Video-Documented Weight Loss Confirms Either His Unexposed Bulimia And/Or His Latent Stomach Tumor.”
Tune in next week for a bevy of bold and brilliant racing judgments.
March 24th, 2009 at 2:47 am
[...] OK, não é novidade mas andar actualizado sobre o Joaquin Phoenix passou a ser um must. Para contextualizar quem não está a par da situação fica uma entrevista no Letterman e um artigo recente. [...]
March 23rd, 2009 at 7:54 pm
that’s what Manson looks like today?
March 23rd, 2009 at 6:00 pm
You know it’s all because of his exposure to Nicholas Cage in that movie - 8mm
Someone buy him a torch. It’s torch envy , I’m sure of it…
March 23rd, 2009 at 5:26 pm
You spelled Tucson wrong. And now that I’ve dealt with that, I can go back and read/enjoy your article.
March 23rd, 2009 at 5:05 pm
mumble fucker
March 23rd, 2009 at 4:47 pm
It’s Tucson. TUCSON GODDAMMIT.
March 23rd, 2009 at 12:51 pm
Threw away a fairly successfully movie career in favor of a nonexistent music career? Consumed mind altering substances, became emotionally unstable, alienated all those around him, became batshit crazy? Died from mixing drugs together? Um, we were talking about John Belushi, weren’t we?
March 23rd, 2009 at 10:37 am
Michael, you’re the only funny writer this site has.
My hat’s off to you.
March 23rd, 2009 at 10:14 am
Joaquin Pheonix???? Hmm. Who is that??? Oh thats right. Who gives a shit?
March 23rd, 2009 at 10:02 am
When he carves a swastika into his forehead, I’m outta here.
March 23rd, 2009 at 9:28 am
Woking Fetuses..
I’m pretty sure I’ll be going to hell for that one.
March 23rd, 2009 at 7:18 am
There’s nothing crazy about monkey crap, even if its on fire. Nothing. NOTHING AT ALL DAMNIT MAKE THE VOICES STOP
March 23rd, 2009 at 7:07 am
Spill some blood to make an omelette!! LOL
March 23rd, 2009 at 5:48 am
Joaquin Phoenix is on an accelerated path to batshit crazy
March 23rd, 2009 at 5:15 am
My dear My name is Miss jacinta Fab ,i saw your profile today and became intrested inyou,i will also like to know you more,and i want you to send an email to myemail address so i can give you my picture for you to know whom i am.Here is myemail address(jacinta_fab23@yahoo.com) i believe we can move from here. I amwaiting for your mail to my Email address above. Remeber the distance or colourdoes not matter but love matters alot in life YoursLove.(jacinta_fab23@yahoo.com)
March 23rd, 2009 at 3:43 am
You know, Joaquin may be mad, but he still hasn’t done any penis wielding crazy shit, so he’s not batshit insane yet. We gotta wait for the moment where he’s onstage and whips it out for no apparent reason other than to further cement his insanity.
March 22nd, 2009 at 11:20 pm
That IS what I’d say!
March 22nd, 2009 at 10:35 pm
For UK people who know what Black Books is:
The picture of JP next to Phil Spector makes him look like Bernard Black.
Exhibit A: http://egheitermari.files.wordpress.com/2007/10/bernard.jpg
March 22nd, 2009 at 8:50 pm
oh, and Nova. There are 17 previous articles, according to this one. there’s only one X.
March 22nd, 2009 at 8:48 pm
@greengoddess: I agree. No one cares about fucking Joaquin Phoenix.
So
What,
Asshole.
I’m fucking
Michael Swaim.
I’m not, really, but I’m sure that’s what he’d say.
March 22nd, 2009 at 7:15 pm
Check his IMDB, its for his mockumentary that chronicles his adventure from actor to hip hop superstar…its an act
the director for the mockumentary is casey affleck
March 22nd, 2009 at 6:22 pm
Bearded madness? No relation to Alan Moore?
March 22nd, 2009 at 5:52 pm
Long live The Bearded One!
March 22nd, 2009 at 5:46 pm
@Yarp: No.
March 22nd, 2009 at 5:16 pm
It’s just…..a ‘rapper’….with a beard that manages to be both Jewboy and Biker?
What..the..huh?
If this isn’t all an act he should be placed against a wall and given a flying headbutt by a Japanese midget fired from a novelty cannon.
March 22nd, 2009 at 4:33 pm
Oh god…that Jeopardy question was fucking hilarious. I was laughing for a solid 5 minutes.
March 22nd, 2009 at 4:22 pm
I heard that Casey Afflack has been following him around with a camera so this is probably just an act.
I cant imagine someone who never really did anything too bat shit insane go that far off the deep end in such a short time.
March 22nd, 2009 at 4:15 pm
Tucson, not Tuscon.
March 22nd, 2009 at 4:08 pm
I’m still hoping on April 1st, Joaquin will come out and admit that his behavior for the past several months has been an extended, grandiose April fool gag hes been playing to see how gullible the Hollywood press can be.
March 22nd, 2009 at 3:36 pm
Uh… Swaim there seems to be a problem with my e-newsletter. For some reason the 27 e-newsletters previous to this have not been sent to me.
I won’t tolerate your fuck-ups any more.
March 22nd, 2009 at 3:30 pm
holy shit he really does thing he’s a rapper! wtf!!!!!!
March 22nd, 2009 at 3:26 pm
@Barry Obama
AHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Oh, wait. That wasn’t funny. Get the hell off my comments section.
March 22nd, 2009 at 3:24 pm
NO. NO ONE could replace Busey as the most insane celebrity ever. I won’t believe it. Joaquin is just jealous.
March 22nd, 2009 at 3:11 pm
I would like to say that those AIG bonuses completely caught me off guard!!! wait, wrong site! uh…. teleprompter… help!!…. I would like to nominate Young Pheezy as a good will ambassador to Iran!
March 22nd, 2009 at 3:10 pm
Ugh, I used to be such a big Phoenix fan. I was very happy when he got recognized not once but twice with nominations from the Academy. Then he had to follow that up with this pretentious crap. Embarrassing himself in a sad attempt to make everyone else look dumb. Ha-ha, jokes on us…and all you had to do was act like a creep.
March 22nd, 2009 at 1:54 pm
People, I think we all have something valuable to learn from this: Do not go vegetarian. Ever.
No go eat a nice juicy beef burger with onion rings and a milkshake, it’s for your own mental sanity.
March 22nd, 2009 at 1:45 pm
I hope this Cassey Affleck “film” is good, because no matter what role JP does in the future after it comes out, I wont be able to take him serious ever again. He could win an Oscar or two and star in a ground-breaking film but when I’ll see him, I’ll just be thinking:
“Bushy Beard”
March 22nd, 2009 at 1:13 pm
Damn son, that was JOA-KINKY FINE-EX
March 22nd, 2009 at 12:43 pm
at 1:46 he said something about having a million dollars in his bank account and what the f*** does the heckler have. 89x morning show talked about it in detroit.
March 22nd, 2009 at 12:42 pm
Walking Penis! How awesome is that?
March 22nd, 2009 at 12:28 pm
greengoddess, has anyone here made you think that they might care?
March 22nd, 2009 at 11:58 am
Y’all know this is for a movie right? Stop being dumb.
March 22nd, 2009 at 11:37 am
That was JOA-KINKY!!!!
March 22nd, 2009 at 11:37 am
Err, cry, that is. Fucking keyboard is outt to get meee. AGGGG, stop it!
March 22nd, 2009 at 11:36 am
This article made me cray.
March 22nd, 2009 at 11:35 am
did anyone notice that picture of him as the the emporer looks alot like gladstone?
March 22nd, 2009 at 11:32 am
No way, he’s about as crazy as 3/4 of an Octomom and half a Klaus Kinski.
March 22nd, 2009 at 10:49 am
If I was JP that comment would have made a whole lot less sense, in order to stay in character…..
March 22nd, 2009 at 10:36 am
Simply wonderful. The opening bit about the AZ mental hospital ban on razors, quite clever.
What a great satire!
“Joa-kinky”…Simply Brilliant!
March 22nd, 2009 at 9:56 am
how do we know your not JP Danerock? spreading your crazy propaganda!
March 22nd, 2009 at 9:36 am
Swaim, why aren’t you asking the one pertinent question: Who fucking cares?
Joaquin Phoenix is retiring from acting! Who fucking cares?
Joaquin Phoenix wants to be a rap star! Who fucking cares?
Joaquin Phoenix is totally crazy you guys! Who fucking cares?
This post was hilarious as usual, but it’s about Joaquin Phoenix, so who fucking cares?
Still
Wishing your fine
Ass
Is
Mine
March 22nd, 2009 at 9:34 am
In the first picture , there is an uncanny resemblance in finnish musician Gösta Sundqvist (http://www.karjalainen.fi/Karjalainen/Kulttuuri/4724086.jpg). He died in 2003 and I think it took 6 years for his soul to find and overcome Joaquin Phoenix’s body
March 22nd, 2009 at 9:29 am
my three year old saw the “lookin’ good” pic and said “what’s wrong with that man mommy….is he mad” ahahhahhahaahaha
JP should be ashamed for frightening young children
March 22nd, 2009 at 9:25 am
walking penis??
what about “wonky fetus”
March 22nd, 2009 at 8:45 am
Sorry to be the voice of reason here, but every media source that buys into the joaquin phoenix “crazy” act is playing into his hands. Casey Affleck is following him around everywhere with a video camera, and filming not just Phoenix, but the media hounds around him. Notice how quickly all these videos of him pop up? This whole thing is for a movie, presumably to see how quickly the media turn on a celebrity when they fall, or a “watching you watching me” Borat-esque film. Its all a ruse. But don’t worry, I’m sure this article will show up in a montage shot somewhere in the film.
March 22nd, 2009 at 8:34 am
Is there some disorder one can have where one is sexually attracted to Michael Swaim? Because I feel that I have a bad case of
Sexually
wistfully
attracted to
Internet celebrity
Michael
March 22nd, 2009 at 8:25 am
He looks like that smelly kid that likes to breath in your direction in class.
But hey, this rap thing is actually a really smart thing. I would pay a lot of money to see him rap. And then I’d pay for an overpriced bag of peanuts to throw at him. I wonder how long until he’d crack.
March 22nd, 2009 at 8:16 am
If this lifestyle change is, indeed, an extended period of method research for a film role, I can’t wait to see the bat-shit crazy movie.
March 22nd, 2009 at 7:20 am
Think he said ‘ I’ve a baby cock ‘
March 22nd, 2009 at 6:22 am
That thumbnail is fucking disgusting
March 22nd, 2009 at 6:05 am
It seems to me that he is preparing to play Rasputin in some biopic of sorts. I mean after Walk The Line it would seem sensible to jump from Johnny Cash to creepy Russian mystic.
March 22nd, 2009 at 5:28 am
The day that Joaquin’s beard resembles Phil Spector’s hair upside down will be the best day of my life.
March 22nd, 2009 at 5:24 am
No, wait, now I’m ninth!
Now that I know my place, I’ll go ahead and bow down to swiam’s awesomeness.
March 22nd, 2009 at 5:22 am
no wait, seventh!
March 22nd, 2009 at 5:22 am
sixth!
March 22nd, 2009 at 5:13 am
Fifth!
March 22nd, 2009 at 5:07 am
Damn missed first comment!
I missed fourth cos my stupid connection messed up.
Awesome article though.
You are my god Swaim.
*bows down*
March 22nd, 2009 at 5:02 am
fourth?
How Joa-kinky.
March 22nd, 2009 at 4:54 am
The Lookin Good picture is just terrifying. nightmares for a week man.
March 22nd, 2009 at 4:15 am
I thought the exchange rate from tom cruises to
flaming barrels of monkey crap was much higher.
learn something new everyday on cracked.
March 22nd, 2009 at 4:08 am
First!