This week, Cracked unveils our sexy new layout. Some people have seen it already, some people haven't, (it's only visible to maybe %10 of our readers), and now you can check it out by clicking on any of the articles below. Warning: It is awesome.
Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
5 Ways Common Sense Lies To You Everyday
Not so smart now, are ya brain?
Notable Comment: "You know, a bunch of these would be solved if we stopped telling children they were special. "Jimmy, you're just like everyone else, and always will be," should cure any Special Pleading. " Actually, ka_la_la_lira, that's Daniel O'Brien's second job.
5 Ridiculous Safe for Work Fetishes.
You might laugh at these people, but at least they can browse porn at work without worry.
Notable Comment:"there was a case in the news paper where i grew up about some kids that thought you could get high by pumping air into your butthole. but instead of using a bike pump, they rigged a car tire thing at the gas station to blow air into one of the guy's butt and his intestine exploded because the PSIs were way too high." Be careful, boombalonga, that's how urban legends get spread. Not that we're hoping to start one, of course.
SIRENS AND CHAOS!
5 Horrifying Tales of 911 Incompetence.
Nice to know these people held human lives in their hands, isn't it?
Notable Comment:Ateos started to rant about the Man, "Once again, it should be noted that A) 911 has no LEGAL obligation to protect you and B) The police are not your allies. I'll reiterate: The police are NOT your allies. They're there, predominately, to maintain a corrupt system meant to keep the poor and minorities under control at the behest of the rich. f**k them." Thankfully mcgugange was there to lahy down the Hand of Pimp up his backside. "f**k emergency services, you guys, next time there's violence or conflagration, ateos is going to punch the fire out with his super-f*****g-awesome-arrogance-fists of being right all the time. i masturbate over the thought of being as highly regarded and well respected as you, ateos. other people may say "what's he doing about all this being right?" and you look down from your tower made out of high horses and whisper "i don't need to do anything but tell you how right i am." then you FLY OFF in a puff of supercilious p***k. because you're so right. "
9 Corporate Attempts at Edgy that Failed Hilariously
Word up, home slice diggity dogs! Crizzack izziz izzin thizzee hizzouse! Werd to this article's mother.
Notable Comment: i_have_a_life mocks a man with a history of armed violence. "50 cent wasn't talking about his gunshot wounds he was trying to remember what number came after 9 because he is also retarded."
6 Evil Henchmen Who Sucked at Their Job
This article made us think twice about our dream of owning an army of costumed henchmen.
Notable Comment: Majordisaster gives us a history lesson, "The battle of Endor made me rather think of Morgarten (1315), where a party of Swiss peasants crushed an army of heavily-armoured Austrian knights under an avalanche of tree trunks and rocks." Thanks for the knowledge. We'll be sure to remember this when the ATF raids our mountainside moonshine operation.
Featuring Diane Neal! Again.
If Diane Neal can't do it, it's probably not either space travel or Law and Order: SVU.
YOU YOU YOU!
If Video Game Characters Could Switch Games.
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contest, The Retarded Truth Behind the World's Great Mysteries.
I haven't seen this many cocks since I was a Boy Scout.
KFC decided to put a stop to this pesky Chick-Fil-A company by building the Trojan Chicken and, when the dust had settled and the history books had been closed, showed who the REAL leaders of the chicken empire were, are, and always will be.
CAUTION! Your are now large enough to have your own gravity. Things may begin to orbit you.
Caution: DJ ahead with oversized records. Prepare for excessive FUNK
Better than his last sign: Come tell Nazis why they need to concentrate.
Opposite side of sign: "...licopter Land for all of their Helicopter purchasing needs!"
Gulliver had freed himself, but he was still too dazed to notice that the liliputians had made off with not only his clothes, but his nipples as well.
Hey, I ordered this rock an hour ago. If I wasn't naked and enormous I'd call your supervisor.
Throw Smurfette some beads and she'll TOTALLY smurf you her sweet, sweet smurfs.
A fun way to disguise the homeless problem in New Orleans.
Dude, no matter how much scientific evidence you present, she's just not gonna go for anal.
Under new galactic law Earth was forced to register as a sex offender. Thanks a lot, Japan!!
Looks like Michael Phelps isn't the only swimmer who's stoned.
aw, it's dude:15 already"
Let us pitch you a sitcom ...
Some people in entertainment don't even bother trying to come up with fresh ideas.
These stories are so weird we're not even sure Hollywood would touch them.