5 Ridiculous (Safe for Work) Fetishes
Some fetishes are really easy to understand. A silk stocking fetish, hell, everybody's down with that. Or a fetish that involves a naked woman rubbing her boobs on another naked woman.
But some are so far out there that they seem to have left the entire concept of sex far behind. These strangely safe-for-work fetishes are, in some ways, far more disturbing than anything involving poop or anime tentacles. Such as...
We all associate piggyback rides with children on their parents' shoulders at fairs and the occasional drunken nights when transporting passed out friends to a taxi. You likely don't think of this as a turn-on unless it's in a pool and you've got a girl on your shoulders who's up for an arousing game of "chicken fight" which, according to the videos we've seen, end up with everyone naked.
But then there are the fetishists who just plain get off on riding the shoulders of other people.
As one piggyback enthusiast puts it: "A month ago, when intoxicated, I asked another male friend from Canada to piggyback me. Although the entire session only lasted a minute or two, my sexual drive (not specifically for him) suddenly sparked, more than alcohol can ever do. Halfway through the piggyback, I maneuvered myself to hold on his front, dangling there like a koala."
We imagine this fetish revolves around trust and security. Oh, and crazy. Trust, security and crazy. Through our countless hours of research and sleepless nights, we've come to the conclusion that piggybackers find themselves trapped in a sexually arousing power struggle. The piggybackee can offer suggestions on speed and direction, but it's ultimately up to the piggybacker to control the situation. "You want to go left? Fuck you, I'm going right." Is this turning you on? It's confusing us.
It Gets Weirder...
This fine man below was gracious enough to let the world see his fetish. In his own words, "I like it very much to ride on older men. I can sit on the old man of about four minutes and bouncing on his shoulders."
Were you expecting something else? The guy likes to ride old men. Congratulations humanity. Then again, maybe we should give Ralphmunic the benefit of the doubt. He's living his dream. What are you doing with your life?
"Love your videos! I like to ride on, sit on and trample folk. I'm 6' and 16.5stone/231 lbs (183cm and 105kg)and live in south UK. If any of you guys want to be riden hard, sat on or trampled under my feet and/or enjoy a good beasting, contact me!"
"But,if you can do so,try to ride him(the old man),with your ass full of shit,you know,after you do poo-poo....,would you like it?"
So, you're searching YouTube and you suddenly notice a suspicious number of seemingly innocent videos involving balloons. Specifically, people slowly inflating balloons until they pop. The comments seem strangely enthusiastic about the whole thing. Way too enthusiastic.
Congratulations, you've stumbled across the community of "looners," or balloon fetishists. Watch the below video and realize that somewhere, it's giving somebody an enormous boner:
To them, we guess balloons make the perfect girlfriend. They don't talk back, they come in a wide variety of shapes and sizes and no one will ask questions when you inevitably punch them in a helium induced rage, a la Dennis Hopper in Blue Velvet.
"I want you inside me."
Though we're not sure how that works with the whole "make them pop" part which, if they're sexualizing the balloons, you'd think that'd be a form of murder. Then they'd have to go to balloon prison. Which is, incidentally, the most easily escapable prison known to man.
It Gets Weirder...
In the dark underworld of balloon fetishists, size matters, and the real prizes are gigantic weather balloons. So we have the below upstanding gentleman who wants to crawl inside of his balloon girlfriend and, oh, we don't know, hang out? What would you do in there besides gasp for air? Luckily for us, and unluckily for billoon45, it goes horribly awry. We end up with a dead girlfriend, and this on his "third try," too:
"wow thats cool but just out of curiosity y did you blow a baloon up untill it poped???"
"Gotta comment again! That is one serious balloon blow to BUST!!! How often can you get a balloon to shred like that? That poor beautiful balloon held on for everything it was worth! But you didn't let up! At the end it gets HARD for me to watch! BYE BYE BALLOON!"
This is kind of like the balloon fetish, but with a fun twist. Instead of blowing air into a party favor, you stick a bicycle pump inside your danger zone and inflate your own body until you feel like you're going to burst. You get the farts for hours after you do it, and these guys talk about that like it's a plus. Normal people get a stomachache after swallowing air and trying to burp, so we think it's pretty easy to see what these guys are going through.
"You had me at 'psheeeeeeee.'"
Besides having massive online communities dedicated to the practice of filling tummies with air, there are also millions (OK, tens) of YouTube accounts whose sole purpose is to show videos of stomachs growing slightly larger.
The key here, of course, is safety. Most of the websites detailing how to fill your stomach with air are adorned with disclaimers and warnings because, you know, the type of person who is into inflating their own body must be worried about consequences.
It Gets Weirder...
This gentle giant has moved beyond using simple bicycle pumps into territory that only the bravest inflationists tread. Instead, he's using an electric air compressor.
In inflateandstuff's own words: "Towards the end it really felt like I was gonna blow. It's 260 psi, very fast, very powerful, and NO ONE should ever try to do this with a compressor." Thanks. We won't.
"MORE please sir can we have some more,,, and PATS more pats i love the hallow sound,,, i hope u have been doing it alot more to stretch ur belly for a greater result!!! LOVE this vid pls do more i love how fast and huge u get i wanna see bigger!!!"
"i wonder how i would look if i did that which i want to."
Related: 9 Best Video Game Pump Up Songs
Statues are monuments to great historical figures. They adorn museums, courthouses and the lawns of the rich and famous. They're also, you know, kind of cute. Come here, statue of Abraham Lincoln. Take off your clothes... can you take off your clothes? Fuck. Statues can't take off their clothes. It's OK. We appreciate you, Lincoln. You're rock solid; sleek... dare we say: sexy? Yes, we dare say.
There are two subsets to the statue fetish: those with agalmatophilia (literally "statue lover") and the Medusa fetishists. They're different because they're attracted to different types of statues. We could imagine a heated stare-down at the next StatueCon if we wanted to, but, no, we don't want to imagine that.
The Medusa fetishists are attracted to people who get turned into stone. All of their masturbatory material is created with pirated versions of Photoshop, so it's as easy as plucking girls off MySpace and using some filters to add some hot, erotic stone.
Needs more lens flare.
The agalmatophilia guys are simply turned on by actual, real-life statues. The fetish first came to the attention of psychologists by Richard von Krafft-Ebbing in his book Psychopathia Sexualis. The publishers were probably too pissed off about fitting Ebbing's massive name onto the cover of his book that they let him choose a title that nobody would fucking buy. Ebbing recorded a case, in 1877, about a guy who attempted to have sex with the Venus de Milo. You can imagine how that went. We're certainly not going to.
"OH MY DEAR SWEET SEXY GOD"
It Gets Weirder...
Here we have the video of a seemingly mild-mannered lady getting very, very emotional over "Libby," her apartment-scale Statue of Liberty:
For some reason that was much weirder than if it'd just been some dude humping it.
"a vibrator isn't human either, whats the difference."
"Although I felt somewhat voyeuristic...I was interested by this video. Even though I don't understand your attraction (in a physical/sexual sense) to these objects, I certainly don't think you're crazy. Since childhood, I have felt as though EVERYTHING is alive, and that everything has a spirit - even inanimate objects..."
We need to interject here to thank this YouTube commenter for that beautiful idea. Take Michelangelo's Statue of David. You have a young David defeating, against all odds, the mighty Goliath, you can't help but feel like his spirit is living inside of this grand marble statue. Trapped, if you will, unable to move or speak. Stuck forever in a statuesque Hell from which he can never escape.
What of our office vending machine? Does it eat our quarters and stick our candy bars in unreachable places because it's lonely and angry? We're hungry and we think reaching our hands into its gaping maw to retrieve some snacks is turning into a bad idea.
These people get off on repeatedly pushing down on gas pedals. Why? Well, our research for this article has found that "why" pretty elusive when dealing with fetishes. This does seem loosely related to the more common foot fetish. But then you have to ask what makes people have a fetish for feet and well, it's probably best to just go with it. Or better yet, not.
You're welcome to do your own research at Pedal-Pumping.com, which advertises itself as the "Pedal Pumping Foto and Leg Fetish site with video clips of Brake Failure, gas pedal pumping, revving, stuck cars, stalled engines, stranded in a car, women, girls and ladies trying to start cars etc... "
Wait... "Brake Failure"?
It Gets Weirder...
Well, what do you know. Search YouTube for "gas pedal" and the very first result is as creepy as these get, complete with the off-camera voice instructing the performer: "Now both feet on the pedal...Yeah! Pump it! Pump it right!
"WOWW! i love this boot!!
Please crush fruit under your boots, it sexy..
"Dont be so rude to her, I make these pedal pumping videos with my wife and the only way to do it right is so that she is having fun too. First tell Barbara what you want her to do and let her improvise. Hope to see more of your pedal pumping films and I hope both of you have fun while shootin those clips. Peace!"
The author of this article suggests you go to TheFriendSociety.com.
For more from the world of the sexually depraved, check out The 10 Most Sexually Unappealing Craigslist Postings and The 5 Most Baffling Sex Scenes in the History of Fanfiction.