These guys have some precious crystals Quellor wants to get his hands on and, somehow, the Supreme Oppressor never supremely oppresses the fuck out of these furry dipshits.
The fist, man! Use the fist!
Professor Norton Nimnul is a talented mad scientist, however he is not the head of his criminal operations, as he works for Mr. Klordane the Crime Lord. In that capacity, the man has built laser cannons, a shrinking/enlarging gun (he once stole a whole motherfucking museum with it by shrieking it to pocket-size), an aging gun, a cat gun and who knows what else. Shit on the guy, he'll make a gun out of it.
Oh, and once he made an earthquake bomb out of nothing but fruit.
Who Was He Constantly Losing To?
The Rescue Rangers.
Don't let the name fool you, this is not a group of Chuck Norrises and Steven Seagals fighting the Professor's inventions with roundhouse kicks. This is a group of five rodents who started a club to fight crime.
There is one squirrel who is clever (for a chipmunk), another who is amazingly stupid (for a chipmunk), the muscle of the group (strong for a mouse) and a mouse-girl that actually is pretty good at designing gadgets and devices, but most of the materials she acquires are coke caps, plastic packages and a diverse array of the shit you could dig out of your couch cushions right now. So all of her gadgets could be crushed if the Professor stepped on them.
Also, they had a fly.
In fact, the whole team could easily die that way. As with Gargamel, it seems the professor should be able to take these rodents out without any of his inventions. A small child could do it, completely by accident.
Mythology makes it pretty clear: Nothing good can come out a half-goat creature.
Tirek, a gigantic half-goat/half-horse/half-man and 150 percent motherfucking hellspawn, lives in his Midnight Castle. Scorpan, his Yeti-with-wings minion, executes his evil commands, which oddly mostly consists of kidnapping ponies.
Tirek's plan involves using a powerful black magic, called The Power of Darkness, to turn said ponies into dragon slaves so they'll pull his "Chariot of Darkness" and perhaps some other appliance of darkness that requires dragon energy to work properly.
Tirek's dark powers come from a magical bag that contains, uh, "The Power of Darkness." This twisted power corrupts anything it touches.
Who Was He Constantly Losing To?
My Little Ponies.
Somewhere close to Tirek's Midnight Castle is a hidden magical land where all kind of mythical creatures live, named Ponyland. The little ponies, pegasus and unicorns make their home in a valley there called Paradise Estate. This is where these bonsai horses dance, sing and lick each other.
It is true that some of these ponies have some magical powers. But most of the ponies roaming around this place didn't seem to have any kind of power at all. They couldn't even talk like the magical ponies. How the fuck were they staying alive?
Anyway, as relayed in the cartoon, with the help of a little girl, highly complex choreography and a rainbow, these ponies managed to defeat a creature that seems to be the embodiment of the devil himself.
And now we've reached rock bottom of our insultingly incapable heroes. This is a pretty cruel trick society played on the little girls of the world who saw these cartoons and played with the toys.
While boys were taught that evil giant transforming robots could only be defeated with other giant transforming robots, girls were taught that evil could be defeated with the power of rainbows and flamboyant song and dance. Which one better prepared their audience for the real world? If you'd like to find out, go perform a choreographed song and dance number in the middle of the highway while a semi bares down on you. In your final moments of consciousness, imagine how much more terrifying this would all be if that semi was sentient.
Want to become your own evil-mastermind? Then check out 5 Deadly Sci-Fi Gadgets You Can Build At Home. And don't forget to pick out your very own wussy superhero who will defeat you at every turn by checking out 6 Real-Life Vigilantes Crazier Than Batman.
And stop by our Top Picks to find out who is always beating us (hint: there's no one, actually. We own the Internet, bitches).