5

Gargamel

An evil wizard with a degree. He lives in a forest in the middle of nowhere in a run-down hovel, so we're not sure how much good it's doing him.

In his early appearances in the cartoons he wanted to capture Smurfs in order to make gold. Later, he decided he wanted to eat them instead. Finally, he got tired of making excuses and admitted he just wanted to slaughter Smurfs because murder is awesome. That's why he named his cat Azrael, which is a name for the angel of death.

In addition to being an alchemist, he has the godlike ability to create life, and once created Sassette, a female smurf. If he can make his own smurfs, why does he continue to hunt the free ones? Because he's fucking Gargamel, that's why!

Who Was He Constantly Losing To?

Tiny (just "three apples tall") peace-loving communists that survive on Smurf berries and very limited skills.

Each smurf is named for their single, completely worthless "talent." You've got Hefty Smurf (remember, very small), Brainy Smurf, Jokey Smurf, Grouchy Smurf, Dreamy Smurf, etc. There is no Nucleary Smurf or Snipery Smurf or Impaley Smurf to be found.

A normal man of no supernatural powers shouldn't be losing to this group of penis-sized commies. Hell, the goddamned cat should have taken care of the whole village in an afternoon.

4

Duke Sigmund Igthorn

The Duke was once a fierce knight loyal to the crown of King Gregor, ruler of Dunwyn. If you know anything about the Middle Ages, you know what kind of shit this guy's got on his resume: Burning down enemy villages while little babies and peasant girls cried for mercy, collecting skulls for the castle's towers, going to war and coming back bathed in enemy's internal organs while bleeding horribly from his own gruesome wounds.

3

Quellor, the Supreme Oppressor of the Monsters and Villains Organization (M.A.V.O.)

Imagine a place so vile that someone finds it necessary to form an organization of monsters and villains, just to get things working a little above pandemonium level. Now imagine what kind of badass it would take to rule this group. That's Quellor, the "Supreme Oppressor".

Quellor takes control of M.A.V.O. with an iron fist, surely in more ways we would like to imagine an iron fist can rule. No matter how odd, stupid, strange or outlandish his orders may be, they are obeyed without delay by each member of M.A.V.O. They know it's that, or a session with Quellor's iron fist.

Physically, he is huge and menacing, and throws some kind of electricity from his hands and has a ray that erases the memory of whoever he thinks deserves it. Like No Heart up there, it seems like this guy could rule the world pretty easily.

Who Was He Constantly Losing To?

Teddy Ruxpin.

Teddy is a Illiop, a bear-like creature with a kind disposition. If you're a certain age you may also remember the animatronic Teddy Ruxpin toy that talked out of a cassette embedded in his chest.

Then you've got Teddy's friends: Grubby, a kid sized worm that cares only about eating; Newton Gimmick, an absent minded inventor whose head appears to have been ravaged by Alzheimer's; a pair of 10-year-old princess siblings and some furry pink hobbit/yeti/glamorous drag abomination.

Well, nothing gay about that.

2

Professor Norton Nimnul

Professor Norton Nimnul is a talented mad scientist, however he is not the head of his criminal operations, as he works for Mr. Klordane the Crime Lord. In that capacity, the man has built laser cannons, a shrinking/enlarging gun (he once stole a whole motherfucking museum with it by shrieking it to pocket-size), an aging gun, a cat gun and who knows what else. Shit on the guy, he'll make a gun out of it.

Oh, and once he made an earthquake bomb out of nothing but fruit.

Who Was He Constantly Losing To?

The Rescue Rangers.

Don't let the name fool you, this is not a group of Chuck Norrises and Steven Seagals fighting the Professor's inventions with roundhouse kicks. This is a group of five rodents who started a club to fight crime.

There is one squirrel who is clever (for a chipmunk), another who is amazingly stupid (for a chipmunk), the muscle of the group (strong for a mouse) and a mouse-girl that actually is pretty good at designing gadgets and devices, but most of the materials she acquires are coke caps, plastic packages and a diverse array of the shit you could dig out of your couch cushions right now. So all of her gadgets could be crushed if the Professor stepped on them.

Also, they had a fly.

In fact, the whole team could easily die that way. As with Gargamel, it seems the professor should be able to take these rodents out without any of his inventions. A small child could do it, completely by accident.

1

Tirek

Mythology makes it pretty clear: Nothing good can come out a half-goat creature.

Tirek, a gigantic half-goat/half-horse/half-man and 150 percent motherfucking hellspawn, lives in his Midnight Castle. Scorpan, his Yeti-with-wings minion, executes his evil commands, which oddly mostly consists of kidnapping ponies.

Tirek's plan involves using a powerful black magic, called The Power of Darkness, to turn said ponies into dragon slaves so they'll pull his "Chariot of Darkness" and perhaps some other appliance of darkness that requires dragon energy to work properly.

Tirek's dark powers come from a magical bag that contains, uh, "The Power of Darkness." This twisted power corrupts anything it touches.

Who Was He Constantly Losing To?

My Little Ponies.

Somewhere close to Tirek's Midnight Castle is a hidden magical land where all kind of mythical creatures live, named Ponyland. The little ponies, pegasus and unicorns make their home in a valley there called Paradise Estate. This is where these bonsai horses dance, sing and lick each other.

It is true that some of these ponies have some magical powers. But most of the ponies roaming around this place didn't seem to have any kind of power at all. They couldn't even talk like the magical ponies. How the fuck were they staying alive?

Anyway, as relayed in the cartoon, with the help of a little girl, highly complex choreography and a rainbow, these ponies managed to defeat a creature that seems to be the embodiment of the devil himself.

And now we've reached rock bottom of our insultingly incapable heroes. This is a pretty cruel trick society played on the little girls of the world who saw these cartoons and played with the toys.

While boys were taught that evil giant transforming robots could only be defeated with other giant transforming robots, girls were taught that evil could be defeated with the power of rainbows and flamboyant song and dance. Which one better prepared their audience for the real world? If you'd like to find out, go perform a choreographed song and dance number in the middle of the highway while a semi bares down on you. In your final moments of consciousness, imagine how much more terrifying this would all be if that semi was sentient.

Want to become your own evil-mastermind? Then check out 5 Deadly Sci-Fi Gadgets You Can Build At Home. And don't forget to pick out your very own wussy superhero who will defeat you at every turn by checking out 6 Real-Life Vigilantes Crazier Than Batman.

And stop by our Top Picks to find out who is always beating us (hint: there's no one, actually. We own the Internet, bitches).