"When we get to the surface, the first guy who makes a joke about flowers sprouting up gets shot in the face."
They swiped the dignity and professional reputation of Brazil's most important monetary authority as a nice bonus. You see, the bank had decided that the theft risks were so minimal they didn't bother to insure these containers. The crooks pulled this off on a weekend so nobody noticed until that Monday morning. The bills were used, so they were non-sequential and there was no way of tracking the money. Oh, and the bank's security cameras weren't even hooked up to a VCR, so a) they had no record of the theft and b) Brazil has the dumbest banks on the planet. The only line of defense that might have actually worked were the motion detectors in the vault, which the crooks managed to avoid setting off.
$164 million in Brazilian reals, $78 million US.
Pretty much immediately after the robbery was finished, it all went to hell. Several of the suspects have been kidnapped, ransomed and then killed, some have been arrested, and still others remain at large. Along with most of the money: only $9 million of it has ever been recovered. Something tells us Sergio is still out there, and still smilin'.
Twelve guys showed up across the street of the Bank of America in Monroe, WA, on October 1st. They'd answered a Craigslist ad for road contractors, and were told to show up in very specific attire: goggles, respirator masks, yellow safety vests and a blue workshirt. While they were standing around, wondering where the boss was, a thirteenth guy in the same outfit, lugging a pump sprayer, was walking into the bank across the street, just behind the security guard unloading the armored truck. Little did the guard know that he was about to reenact The Thomas Crown Affair.
Sure, you might think he was just spraying for roaches, but you don't generally do that with mace. The thief hosed down the guard and grabbed a bag of cash... and here's where it gets fun.
The crook sprinted 100 yards past his decoys to a creek that feeds into the Skykomish River, peeling off his disguise and leaving twelve very confused contractors in his wake. Then he leapt into the creek with his getaway vehicle: an inner tube.
Police recovered the inner tube about 200 yards from where he entered the water and are pretty sure he had an accomplice waiting in a boat. What they didn't recover was any sense of dignity after getting clowned by a guy who watched a Pierce Brosnan movie one too many times. They'll be better at keeping an eye out next time if someone ever tries to rob the bank disguised as an eccentric hit man with a mustache. Or tries to ski down an avalanche, or something. Or some joke about some other shitty Pierce Brosnan movie.
Police aren't disclosing how much was stolen, but it probably covered the cost of the ad.
So far, no reported leads or suspects. But, hey, they've got the world's first inner tube used in a bank robbery! Maybe they could sell it on Craigslist!
For more people who used their balls to get ahead, check out The 7 Ballsiest Sports Cheats Ever or The 5 Ballsiest Con Artists of All Time. And be sure to check out Cracked.com's Top Picks to see what we're looking at instead of working.