The 15 Most Completely Useless iPhone Apps

The 15 Most Completely Useless iPhone Apps

One awesome thing about the iPhone is the vast ocean of low-cost software applications you can download to do just about any damned thing.

With so many choices it's hard to know just which ones to buy, and we're sorry to say we can't help you there. But if you were looking for a list of the most retarded ones, you're in luck.


Music synthesizers aren't anything new, but this one has the dual enhancements of portability and instantly sapping you of all dignity. You can "play" this application by running your finger along the edge, but since shame is no longer a factor we imagine its users slap that touchscreen right into their piehole.

Per their description, Harmonica is "indispensable" to "annoy your co-workers" or even "impress that pretty girl". If you believe that slobbering on your iPhone is going to be the best mack maneuver in your arsenal, you should buy it. You're probably correct.

Tickle Me!

Tickle Me! makes your iPhone touchscreen respond to your playful tickles with the uproarious laughter of a child. Disturbing? Yes. But if this functions as a release valve for pedophiles, it could be a godsend.

myLite Colored Strobe and Flashlight

This incredible technology produces colored flashing lights from your iPhone screen, which by the way is already illuminated. Per their description, "Rock concerts will never be the same with the myLite Color Flashlight by DoApp. Going clubbing and wanna be hip? Whip out the myLite -- the chicks dig it and the guys will scream out 'whoa, dude!'"

We're sure they will. Also, The app allows you to select the color of the light emitted, so it's only a matter of time before this becomes the CSI tool of choice when sweeping for semen.


God, clocks are so sickeningly predictable. Always incrementing time by standardized units and presenting them clearly. Boooooring. What modern, dynamic people need is a clock that does none of the above, often times obscuring night and day altogether.

The EnigmaClock uses a unique algorithm to present time as an elaborate mathematical riddle, so once per hour you can shove your iPhone into your friends' faces and scream "DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS? NO? THEN FUCK YOU!"

Hold On

The object of this application is to track how long you can keep a finger on a static position on the touchscreen. You can later use this data point to plug into a spreadsheet and chart precisely how much of your life is being wasted.

Alarm Free

Imagine you're walking down a dark alley, when you are approached by a hulking mass of criminality. You only have your iPhone to defend you. Fortunately, all you have to do is unlock the screen, launch this app and a faint beeping sound will usher forth to notify all SWAT teams in earshot to swoop down to your rescue.

Or, more likely, the guy who was just going to steal your watch and jewelry is probably going to opt for your iPhone as well.


If you relish smuggling "outside beverages" into stadiums or movies, but shun actual refreshment, this product is for you. The iBeer application animates the draining of a hopped beverage, but without all of the pesky flavor, inebriation, and casual sex that comes along for the ride.

The iMilk application is likewise available for the underaged. They'll think it's hilarious, right up until their lack of actual milk intake causes early onset osteoporosis.


Expanding on the above in an even more retarded way, this application allows you to simulate dumping the contents of a digital 40 ounce in memory of a dead homie. Or more likely, a fallen Elven Sorcerer that met their end in an Azeroth drive-by.

The application was sponsored by, a company that literally manufactures insulating covers for 40 ouncers. They're great for birthdays and weddings!

Doomsday Clock

This countdown clock ticking down to December 21, 2012, the date the Mayan calendar pinpointed as the end of times.

If you can't afford $1 to monitor the End Of Days, they altruistically provide a description of what to expect in the last moments. "The sun will be seen in a conjunction with the crossing point of the galactic equator and the ecliptic, which is referred by the Mayans as the Sacred Tree."

On the way to work we saw a hobo puking on a tree, does that count?

The Constitution

Imagine it's a lazy Sunday morning. You're lounging about in your most comfortable thong, enjoying some German horse pornography--then suddenly there's a knock at the door. It's Barack Obama's Communist Police force, there to take your guns! Free Republic was right!

Fortunately, you know your rights because you're the proud owner of the Constitution reference application. Though the developer neglected to include a search function, so this program is best utilized by those that have already memorized the Constitution. And that's you... right?


Are a you an aspiring novelist who has no problem constructing story arcs and pacing a plot, but find yourself producing characters with names like "Joe Likeitmatters" or "Jane Whogivesafuck"? Well with a touch of the screen, this application will generate random names and ... no, wait. That's all it does.

Other potential markets for this include census takers who can't be bothered to go door to door, or criminals who get flustered trying to conjure aliases.

Feng Shui Lotto

This lotto number generator uses the "5000-year old technology" of Feng Shui to calculate your lottery numbers based on your surroundings. It's oddly empowering to know the placement of your sofa could be responsible for fucking over thousands of lotto players a year.

If you don't trust that their server is tapped into the ancient wisdom of the orient, please note that the application is clearly displaying a yin yang symbol, meaning it has been certified as legitimately Asian in a completely non-contrived way. Also note that this app was available under the heading of "Finance".


If iPhones ever catch on with 13th century Chinese mathematicians who have failed to notice the native calculator function, this app is going to be HUGE.

I Can Has Cheezburger

You're at a dinner party, meeting your girlfriend's family for the first time. To charm them with your wit, you describe the latest image you have seen containing a cat and a humorous caption. You are greeted with a cold silence.

Why? Because you've just quoted a lolcat that's a full two hours old - an hour and 58 minutes after it stopped being funny. Avoid such a faux pas in the future with this app that alerts you the second a new I Can Has Cheezburger lolcat is posted.

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