20 Costumes That Will Earn You a Halloween Beating
On Monday we brought you 35 insane costumes from around the world-- costumes so inexplicable and bizarre that if you actually wore one around for a night, you'd probably be greeted by one long, roving standing ovation.
What follows are 20 samples from the other end of the costume spectrum--good for inspiring a healthy mixture of douche-chills and rage. If you're wearing one of these, consider yourself warned: those guys aren't getting up from the bar to come over and shake your hand.
Spongebob Adult Man's Costume
Aside from the "Would you like to buy some Bibles?" look on the model's face, it's the white leotards that seal the wearer's fate. Or possibly the little red dick-tie.
If you want to look like a Muslim Darth Vader, this costume is for you. Despite the claims in the picture, don't be surprised if women dressed like money do not approach you to withdraw cash from your wiener.
The early model Terminators were easily identifiable, since Skynet's files on what penises really look like were badly damaged in the initial attack.
Cain The Vampire Tyrant
Oh shit! It's Cain! Cain the Vampire Tyrant! And he's been playing the Nintendo with his power Glove!
Lock and Key
This dude finally gets a modeling gig that has nothing to do with his biceps or his dreadlocks, so he improvises. The woman is sad because she knows the inevitable attempt to "unlock" here will cause her entrails to go flying out of her lower back, a gruesome and undignified death via impalement on a wacky costume.
Related: Losing Keys Is An Old Person's Game
Fork and Spoon
This lacks the sexual connotations of the lock and key outfit above, but we can't figure out if that makes the costume more sad or less. At least aliens won't be able to read their thoughts.
Oh, we get it. "Hung" as in hung like a horse. Like, you have a big penis. And you convey this by... attaching a stuffed horse's head to your groin? With a hangman's noose? This costume's designer has many a dead hooker in his basement.
We can think of two people off the top of our heads who haven't seen this movie: the guy who designed this costume and the guy wearing it.
Related: Napoleon Dynamite: 15 Heck Yes Facts
I've Got a Heart On
We know. We can see it. And the children can see it. Warning: This costume is illegal in 48 states.
Just because he is wearing a hat and carrying frankincense does not mean this is not a Geisha Girl costume.
Whether the kid is Jewish or not, we're pretty sure this costume qualifies as some kind of hate crime.
Baby and Mommy
If you think it looks bad now, every time he walks, it looks like an 8 year old in diapers humping a babushka wearing basketball shoes.
Okay, that's fucking terrifying. Is that a wig or not? Forget it, we don't want to look at it any more. We're going to wake up some night and see this bastard staring down at us, orange cheeks and all.
God's Gift to Women
"From: God, To: Women?" Well, they are going to be disappointed when they open it up and see that it's just the rest of this guy.
Related: The 6 Creepiest Gifts Ever Given
Bacon and Eggs
The good news for him is that next year when they get divorced, he can just buy a sombrero and he's got a Mexican stereotype costume. She's stuck going as an amoeba.
If you take off the Taz mask, you've got a pretty terrifying childbirth costume here. Complete with dentata!
One Night Stand
Yes, he's dressed as a one-night stand. GET IT? These "abstract idea costumes" actually wind up being some of the most disturbing. Such as...
The Shit Hit the Fan
If you don't have this jackass to explain the joke, this looks more like maggots crawling out of a drain. Which actually makes one of the most awesome and disturbing Halloween costumes we've ever seen. Congratulations on the accidental horror, guys.
Related: 5 Sports Fans Who Ruined Sports
There is no place on earth where this costume won't get you a vicious beating. You wouldn't even make it out of Quaker country in this thing. Goths, puns, suggested genital piercings on a child... it's like they distilled everything a good man finds offensive and expressed it in shitty costume form.
My goodness what a lame costume. Take it off.
For male celebrities who go through life looking like they're wearing an old gay woman costume, check out 25 Men Who Look Like Old Lesbians. Or find out about some action stars whose careers had a less than happy ending in 5 Movie Martial Artists That Lost a Deathmatch to Dignity.