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PICTOFACT

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20 Costumes That Will Earn You a Halloween Beating

By:: Jeff Bennion

October 29, 2008

On Monday we brought you 35 insane costumes from around the world-- costumes so inexplicable and bizarre that if you actually wore one around for a night, you'd probably be greeted by one long, roving standing ovation.

What follows are 20 samples from the other end of the costume spectrum--good for inspiring a healthy mixture of douche-chills and rage. If you're wearing one of these, consider yourself warned: those guys aren't getting up from the bar to come over and shake your hand.

20Spongebob Adult Man's Costume

Aside from the "Would you like to buy some Bibles?" look on the model's face, it's the white leotards that seal the wearer's fate. Or possibly the little red dick-tie.

19ATM Man

If you want to look like a Muslim Darth Vader, this costume is for you. Despite the claims in the picture, don't be surprised if women dressed like money do not approach you to withdraw cash from your wiener.

18Breathalyzer

The early model Terminators were easily identifiable, since Skynet's files on what penises really look like were badly damaged in the initial attack.

17Cain The Vampire Tyrant

Oh shit! It's Cain! Cain the Vampire Tyrant! And he's been playing the Nintendo with his power Glove!

16Lock and Key

This dude finally gets a modeling gig that has nothing to do with his biceps or his dreadlocks, so he improvises. The woman is sad because she knows the inevitable attempt to "unlock" here will cause her entrails to go flying out of her lower back, a gruesome and undignified death via impalement on a wacky costume.

15Fork and Spoon

This lacks the sexual connotations of the lock and key outfit above, but we can't figure out if that makes the costume more sad or less. At least aliens won't be able to read their thoughts.

14Hung

Oh, we get it. "Hung" as in hung like a horse. Like, you have a big penis. And you convey this by... attaching a stuffed horse's head to your groin? With a hangman's noose? This costume's designer has many a dead hooker in his basement.

13Napoleon Dynamite

We can think of two people off the top of our heads who haven't seen this movie: the guy who designed this costume and the guy wearing it.

12I've Got a Heart On

We know. We can see it. And the children can see it. Warning: This costume is illegal in 48 states.

11Wiseman

Just because he is wearing a hat and carrying frankincense does not mean this is not a Geisha Girl costume.

10Super Jew

Whether the kid is Jewish or not, we're pretty sure this costume qualifies as some kind of hate crime.

9Baby and Mommy

If you think it looks bad now, every time he walks, it looks like an 8 year old in diapers humping a babushka wearing basketball shoes.

8The Munchkin

Okay, that's fucking terrifying. Is that a wig or not? Forget it, we don't want to look at it any more. We're going to wake up some night and see this bastard staring down at us, orange cheeks and all.

7God's Gift to Women

"From: God, To: Women?" Well, they are going to be disappointed when they open it up and see that it's just the rest of this guy.

6Bacon and Eggs

The good news for him is that next year when they get divorced, he can just buy a sombrero and he's got a Mexican stereotype costume. She's stuck going as an amoeba.

5Taz

If you take off the Taz mask, you've got a pretty terrifying childbirth costume here. Complete with dentata!

4One Night Stand

Yes, he's dressed as a one-night stand. GET IT? These "abstract idea costumes" actually wind up being some of the most disturbing. Such as...

3The Shit Hit the Fan

If you don't have this jackass to explain the joke, this looks more like maggots crawling out of a drain. Which actually makes one of the most awesome and disturbing Halloween costumes we've ever seen. Congratulations on the accidental horror, guys.

2Goth Milk

There is no place on earth where this costume won't get you a vicious beating. You wouldn't even make it out of Quaker country in this thing. Goths, puns, suggested genital piercings on a child... it's like they distilled everything a good man finds offensive and expressed it in shitty costume form.

1Slave Leia

My goodness what a lame costume. Take it off.

For male celebrities who go through life looking like they're wearing an old gay woman costume, check out 25 Men Who Look Like Old Lesbians. Or find out about some action stars whose careers had a less than happy ending in 5 Movie Martial Artists That Lost a Deathmatch to Dignity.