It was a fear mongering week here on Cracked. We were scared of everything from robots, to fear itself to, well, robots again. But more importantly, we provided a critical piece of information that will let you go forward with your life, deprived of the most dangerous of emotions: inspiration. That's right folks, it turns out that Rudy and the dude from that Bob Dylan song about the wrongly accused boxer were both assholes. Sure it might make you enjoy a movie or two less than you did before, but it will also save you from the illusion that you or your tubby kid should go out for the football team. And in the end, isn't that the most important message of all?
You've gone a whole week without hating anything, let Gladstone teach you how to hateagain. Or, just have sex with robots. Bucholz has all of your Robo-boning questions answered. Or, for something less gross but just as retarded, let Swaim give you a glimpse into the mind of a young, stupid Brendan Frasier.
6 Absurd Phobias and the People Who Actually Have Them
In all seriousness, Billy Bob Thorton should be worried about a lot more than bright colors. Did you see the Astronaut Farmer? If he doesn't get called to be in any more movies, we can tell you right now that it has nothing to do with rainbows.
Notable Comment: Mark says "I'm scared of heights, foreigners and old people." Then take our word for it, Mark: Avoid the Eiffel Tower on Senior's Day.
The 7 Creepiest Real-Life Androids
Dear Scientists, If there was ever a time for RoboCop, that time is now. Now, Scientists.
Notable Comment:KingRing says "I hope to live long enough to see a rampaging horde of waist high simroids, cruising down my street with reckless abandon for whats in front, running into everything, and then backing up, and running into it again." The American Dream, sir.
LIES LIES LIES!
7 Movies Based on a True Story (That Are Complete Bullshit)
It turns out the people they make movies about are really drug abusing egomaniacs just like the people making them.
Notable Comment:Fendergurl920 asks "How did 'Fargo' not make the list? It wasn't even a fabrication of true events; the Coen Brothers invented the entire story!" Mostly because you pretty much just summed up everything there is to say about the topic. They put some words before their movie to fuck with people. No truth. No half-truths. And as the old saying goes, "A job that can be done by someone named Fendergurl1920 probably isn't worth doing at all."
BAN AND DELIVER!
13 Things You Won't Believe Are Against the Law Somewhere
It's really nothing shy of a miracle that Cracked hasn't been banned in more towns.
Notable Comment: Derfel says "could add wearing the wrong tartan in scotland, technically still illegal." If you're from the streets like we are Derfel, you'd know that most cities in America enforce the same laws, only you get killed just for wearing the wrong color. Or really any tartan, regardless of color.
5 Famous Sci-Fi Weapons That They're Actually Building
Remember that time that Darth Vader blew up an entire planet with a laser? Yeah, so do defense contractors.
Notable Comment: Onodera says, "The excrement in my pants is a far better weapon." We're not sure if this is a 2001-inspired allusion to how man is really just a monkey despite all his fancy weapons, or if it's the most retarded comment we've ever had on the site. Either way, it's a poop joke, and we can get behind that.
YOU YOU YOU!
25 If Everyone on eBay Was Forced to be Honest
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? Check out this week's contest about:
John reached down and realized he wasn't carrying his gun. Needless to say, he felt ridiculous.
Where will you be when diarrhea strikes?
Dude, your bird is totally hanging out.
Somewhere else fourteen guys are enjoying a monster truck race.
Has been it funny up with coming craption impossible they since removed brain my.
Inside the glass dome, an inflatable orange woman is undressing.
An AOL guy orgy.
Now remember, kids, safety first. Notice the man wore his helmet.
Marcus was disapointed by the lack of attention his mohawk was getting
The U.S. military is now developing a $30,000,000 stick to put through the spokes.
They would be invisible to the naked eye in a field of bushes and roller-coaster parts.
No one's buying it, Mexibot. You're still getting deported.
The Star Spangled Bender!
Instagram influencers are often absurd.
Well, this is terrifying.