Like taking a shower, Father's Day only happens once a year. Unlike taking a shower, there is very little nudity and soap involved in Father's Day. Unless you have a particularly difficult to please father. In which case, our condolences go out to you. Be strong, little soldier, it's only one day a year.
While everyone's wiping away the mental image of taking a shower with their fathers, why not check out some hilarious articles from the past week?
Catch Gladstone's Hate By Numbers now, before Larry King inevitably sues him. Meanwhile, Chris Bucholz makes several valid complaints about Metal Gear Solid. Hey! Need something ridiculous to spend your money on? Ross has you covered. Or, if you're trying to save money, check out DOB's tips on not seeing The Incredible Hulk or The Happening this weekend. If you don't care one way or the other when it comes to money, just watch Swaim as he talks about crazy murderers.
The 11 Most Badass Last Words Ever Uttered
Sure, these guys might be more badass than us, but you know what we are? Alive. That's right, Chief Sitting Bull, you may be tough and clever, but we're gonna wake up tomorrow. Eat it.
Notable Comment: Sexybigbeauty says "I do not want to die alone. When i die I hope to die with my lover. I am a sexy big beauty, anyone there would like to die with me? Let's hook up here @PlusMeet.c o m___, where many big boob women, big booty women and big manful guys meet and seek fun&love togeyher~!" Congratulations, Sexy, that's maybe the creepiest spam we've ever received.
The 10 Most Terrifying Guides to Sex
Are you interested in fisting? Like, really interested in fisting? Because there's a book out there for you, but we have to know that you're seriously interested in fisting. Once you show up at the counter of a Barnes & Noble with a pop-up book about fisting, there's really no turning back.
Notable Comment:Blackrifice says "The title "Intimate Invasion" from #2 sounds like a trashy romance novel, until you realize its all about ENEMA ASSPLAY. This part of the article grossed me out just a tad." We actually thought "Intimate Invasion" was some kind of alien romance novel the first time we saw the title. But you're right, it's totally about enemas.
Science is a Dick: The 5 Most Evil Robots Ever Invented
They can't all be like Robocop ...
Notable Comment: CavalierX wonders "I just want to know how Brockway knew I was strangling a drifter for cheap kicks while reading this article. That's just scary!" Let's just say Cracked has a few robots of our own. In the house of everyone who reads this site. Sleep tight, folks!
12 ANGRY MORONS!
9 Pieces of Evidence the Legal System has Gone Insane
The sad thing is, if you wanted to sue Cracked for being too funny, you could probably win. Law blows.
Notable Comment: Stra8faced says "A few years ago there was a judge who was busted for jackin' his meat under his robe while hearing cases; even murder cases. A tragic omission I think." We're sorry, but don't you mean 'a tragic emission? OH! You're damn right we said that.
10 Movies We Mistook for Porn Based on the Title
Can you imagine how pissed we were when we rented What Lies Beneath? We'll tell you. Extremely pissed.
Notable Comment: No one really seemed to like this article, but we're not going to dwell on your negative comments. Do you have any idea how many naked dudes we had to look at for the photo research/Photoshopping that this article required? Do you?! A lot. There aren't a lot of jobs where "near-constant exposure to some other dudes' junk" is expected. We'll say it's porn stars, prostitutes, and Cracked staff. We stared down a buttload of wiener for this article, and all you jackals can say is "meh"? Meh!?! Fine. You can go ahead and artfully Photoshop your own damn movies-that-sound-like-porn DVDs. Bastards.
YOU YOU YOU!
If Video Game Power-Ups Existed in Real Life
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? Check out this week's contest about Jobs Too Awesome to Exist and you can be.
Chung immediately regretted asking the Make a Wish foundation to be a fireman when he saw the first tower fall
In an effort to bypass the ladder shortage, the Chinese have resorted to hiring firefighters small enough to chuck into flaming buildings from ground level.
"Have you seen my dad? He's got a beard, he's wearing a red shirt with SEX written on it. He drinks a lot of water."
Guess who's dad didn't pay attention to hin?
Please stay back! This place is fully contaminated with fabulous!
What's there to see? All I see are yellow bags, 4 black boots, and 2 floating white helmets...
when I asked for more head, I meant.......well....I probably shouldn't have asked for your help with that anyway. Well played god, well played.
With his Vision newly restored by the doctor, Billy cried as he realized mommy and daddy were about to have angry public make-up sex again, the very thing that blinded him in the fist place.
Everytime you masturbate, God turns 2 child molestors to stone.
The second he saw the huge cock, Bruce knew he'd be riding bitch.
Desperate for a ride, the hitchhiker overlooked the obvious signs of potential foul play.
White socks? Are you crazy?
Let us pitch you a sitcom ...
Some people in entertainment don't even bother trying to come up with fresh ideas.
These stories are so weird we're not even sure Hollywood would touch them.