The 10 Most Terrifying Guides to Sex

We're not saying sex is something to be ashamed of, and far be it from us to declare any activity between consenting adults to be unnatural or immoral. It's just that some types of sex are weird and yes, even terrifying to us.

But, if you're going to do something that would make a dominatrix flinch, you might as well do it right. Thus we offer these sex guides that you'll either find helpful or nightmarish, depending on your personal preferences.

The Book Says:

"A shiny blade against smooth soft skin is terrifying, of course, but for many people also highly erotic."

Reviews Say:

"This was an amazing read, and it really got me thinking about lots of new and fun play ideas."

We Say:

We're assuming that "erotic knifeplay" is like that scene in The Animatrix where the couple slash each other's clothes off with swords. We're thinking this is one of many things that looks like fun in a cartoon, but should probably be avoided in real life.

So on that count, we have mixed feelings about The ToyBag Guide to Erotic Knifeplay. On one hand, we don't like the idea of a book legitimizing the whole knife-sex thing. On the other hand, if you're going to start practicing a sex act where you whip out both your dong and a razor sharp blade at the same time, you better damned well study up on how to do it right.

The Book Says:

"Now that more people are living to be 70, 80, 90 and 100, research shows quite clearly that sex is as important as ever."

Reviews Say:

"Our sex life has truly changed and is now the best we've ever had - even though we are both in our early seventies!"

We Say:

The above quote scares the shit out of us. If the best sex you've ever had is in your 70s, you may have ruined your life somehow.

Now, understand, being the lovers of freedom and individual rights that we are, we're not suggesting senior citizens shouldn't have sex. We're just suggesting it never be talked about or acknowledged openly in any way whatsoever because it horrifies us.

Now picture them porking.

Horrifies us like watching Satan kill Santa Claus, then burning down Disneyland while drinking the last beer ever. But apparently that feeling isn't held by a small, but determined population of internet porn shoppers and the authors of this book who figured people who had most likely been having sex for seven decades now need a guide on how to do it.

The Book Says:

"How to buy great online porn, have a naked stripper gyrating in your lap or get laid by an erotic professional without putting your life, wallet or reputation at risk."

Reviews Say:

"... It's a guide for being a faceless sexually frustrated man."

We Say:

While this book promises to show you how to buy porn online, get a stripper in your lap and engage in nefarious acts with an "erotic professional" which we think means either Dr. Drew or a hooker, we're pretty sure we know how to pull off all three of those things, minus the Dr. Drew part.

Pay for it: Pay for porn, pay the stripper, pay the hooker. Look, that's nine words. This guy's book is 134 pages. We win.

Based on reader reviews the book actually doesn't offer anything more complicated than that as advice, beyond using a fake name. All of which makes us wonder what manner of sad, shameful individual is sitting at home thinking, "How do I buy porn online?" and, after wracking their brain for some manner of succor and coming up with the porn goose egg decides to order this book. Which in turn begs the question: How did they know how to order this book if they can't piece together how to order porn?

The Book Says:

"You'll meet a few of Voodoo's most helpful spirits in matters of love and happiness-Erzulie, Ogoun, La Sirene, Baron, and Legba--and learn how to work with their energy to attract a lover, find 'the one,' keep a relationship steamy, or recover from heartbreak."

Reviews Say:

"I was pleasantly surprised to find a range of magical techniques that would be useful to women (and men!) in a variety of love situations."

We Say:

Voodoo--the loosely organized set of beliefs best known to Western culture as involving chicken blood and tiny dolls you poke with pins--is about as unsexy as your average slaughterhouse visit.

Hot.

But all that aside, we're thinking affection born from some magic spell you created with the head of a chicken and the blood of a virgin goat isn't the most promising foundation for a healthy sex life.

Also, if your relationship has decayed to the point where you find yourself perusing Amazon for a book to spice up your sex life, and Voodoo is the best option you can come up with, it may be time to move on.

The Book Says:

"An essential quick reference guide to minor and major emergencies that can take place during play--from scrapes to freakouts to fires--plus how to set up a cost-effective first aid kit and other emergency supplies for the sexually adventurous."

Reviews Say:

"The book's second (and largest section) deals with a wide range of BDSM emergencies, things like allergic reactions, burn care, bleeding, fainting, etc to 'personal emergencies,' like defusing arguments or emotional upsets, to what to do in case of a power failure or a visit by the authorities."

We Say:

These are some of the scariest scenarios we've ever imagined. Why did the authorities get called to your home? How the hell do you start a fire with sex?

Once again, we're not trying to judge: Even the best of us enjoys dressing up like the Thundercats and being fellated by the vacuum. But that rarely requires an emergency supply kit. If your sex does require an emergency supply kit, and ends up with someone passed out, covered in hives and bleeding while the fire department is kicking your door in, we humbly suggest you just seriously did something wrong. Like really wrong. Whatever you were doing, don't do it again. For the love of God, don't do it again.

This shouldn't happen.

Wait a second ... this appears to be written by the same people who published that book on erotic knifeplay. And now here's their guide to dealing with bedroom disasters. We're thinking they're playing both sides of the market here.