The 9 Most Baffling Theme Parks From Around the World
The Amusement Park is the pinnacle of cultural achievement: technology and resources dedicated purely to people having fun. And we can all agree that history wasn't complete until Walt Disney allowed humanity to experience "The Happiest Place on Earth!" (for a nominal fee).
Now societies throughout the world have their own wondrous amusement parks. And like Disney did for us, their parks reflect their culture's stories, passions and traditions ... and make outsiders cock their heads and say "What the fuck!?"
Diggerland: The Dumpiest Place on Earth!
If you visit this amusement park's website you'll be treated to their wonderful jingle. The fun lyrics infused with surf-rock riffs almost make you forget that this park is nothing more than modified excavation equipment.
Diggerland, surprisingly, is not located near a NASCAR track, but resides solely in the United Kingdom. That's right, British people pay money to turn fantasy into reality and drive and operate construction equipment. Here in America, that fantasy becomes reality too, and all you need to do is drop out of high school.
One of Diggerland's biggest attractions is the "Dancing Diggers," a 30-minute show featuring five JCBs and a mini loader that perform coordinated musical numbers, daredevil stunts and comedy.
Now if only they could get to work on building an actual amusement park, we'd really be impressed. But even then, it's hard to fully ridicule this park's concept. Haven't we all daydreamed, at least once, of fucking around on a piece of construction equipment? Before anyone gets too excited, keep in mind that all operations are conducted under strict supervision. So the latter half of that fantasy where you plant a back hoe into the windshield of your boss' Corvette will have to wait.
Grutas Park: The Most Miserable Place on Earth!
Also known as "Stalin's World," it resides in the wetlands of Dzukija National Park in Lithuania. The park's theme is the half-century Soviet occupation of Lithuania. That means big on education, short on amusement. The park is a two-mile trek across wooden walkways, enclosed by barbed wire fences and guard towers to help give tourists that authentic Gulag prison camp feel.
Hey, check out the adventure map!
It must be hard to choose between the glowering stone face of Lenin and the sullen, unflinching stare of Stalin. So much to do!
All of the statues represent the men and women who influenced the occupation of Lithuania, with the exception of Karl Marx. Our guess is that of the 46 sculptors who were commissioned, none could do fluffy beards. Every one of the 86 statues include a placard explaining the historical significance, which means reading, a whole lot of reading; about tyranny, death and other unspeakable horrors.
Look, it's Stalin! Erecting several monuments in his image sure will show that murdering bastard what for!
Nintendo Amusement Park: The Nerdiest Place on Earth!
This park devoted to Super Mario is still in its developmental stages, but its developing into something totally fucking insane. Stomping goombas, busting blocks and collecting coins in what looks like some fanboy's basement. Just watch this poorly narrated commercial (and note that they hired some girl to intentionally speak in Engrish, since the project is located in New York City).
In the video you see a person fitted with Mario's gloves, overalls and mustache. Oh and also his power harness. As all loyal Nintendo fans know, it was the source of Mario's abilities, but couldn't quite be made out by the poor NES graphics. Customers for the Nintendo Amusement Park however will be fitted with the harness, and be free to move wherever their heart and a motorized truss and suspension system desires.
Using state of the art, crane-game technology, a person is able to leap on to brown, googly-eyed pillows and pop-yellow balloons. This is a magnificently underwhelming experience for gamers and amusement park enthusiasts alike. For authenticity each completed ride results in a man wearing a mushroom cap telling you the princess has been moved to a different ride. Please pay another admission fee to save her.
Seagaia Ocean Dome: The Most Unnecessary Place on Earth!
The Japanese are always at the forefront of state of the art technologies. Take for example the Seagaia Ocean Dome, boasted in the Guinness Book of World Records as the largest indoor water park. A great achievement from a publication that also recognizes who can put the most clothespins on their face at one time. Though, the beauty of the vacation spot is undeniable.
The dome also features waves for surfers--fun! A volcano that has hourly eruptions--spectacular! And a retractable roof that can replicate a blue sky when closed--mindfuck! In Miyazaki, Japan, this featured destination had it all. But the park did happen to have one design flaw ...
It was built less than 1,000 feet from an ocean. A real ocean. One that also has waves and sand. If you want the hourly erupting volcano and dome, then you'll have to throw some M-80s in a sandcastle from under your umbrella. The $50 admission fee for the Ocean Dome sent potential customers heading outdoors, because at those prices the ultimate indoor ocean becomes nothing more than a dirty public pool.
The losses were so great that the Dome has been closed and reopened and closed again, never becoming the money-maker investors had envisioned. Perhaps a project meant to bring the fun and wonder of the ocean to a people would go over better in a country that isn't an island.
Suoi Tien Cultural Amusement Park: The Most Disquieting Place on Earth!
Located in Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam, this beautiful park has it all: water parks, go-karts, rides and parades. It also taps in to an overlooked theme, Buddhism. Nearly all areas of the park reflect the history and religious teachings that have been a part of the Vietnamese culture for generations. And as a bonus you never have to stray far before finding a statue's belly to rub for good luck!
The park also features Heaven Palace--a facsimile of the afterlife for those who can escape the 12 torments of hell. There's nothing like being reminded of your eminent death and eternal judgment in-between go-karts and bumper boats. But what are those 12 torments? Well, for all you potential (and probable) sinners there is a Pirates of the Caribbean-style ride, featuring animatronics that represent levels of hell. There are specific punishments for drug addicts, gamblers and adulterers. Now you can laugh nervously with the whole family while poorly made robots are punished for their earthly cravings.
If you start feeling a little anxious pondering eternity, try relaxing at the duck pond where you can feed live ducks. Except in Suoi Tien they call it Crocodile Kingdom, and instead of ducks it features over 1,500 live crocodiles.
And instead of tossing in bits of food you can tease the crocodiles with meat dangling from fishing poles.
It's what Buddha would have wanted.
Dickens World: The Most Ill-Conceived Place On Earth!
Charles Dickens was one of the most influential writers of his or any generation. And now you too can step into the filthy streets of 19th century London and experience the improper waste management and disease-ridden beggars first hand. What child wouldn't want to visit a place like this?
Besides of course, any child appearing in Dickens' novels. Although the park features a boat ride between decrepit streets and houses, it is leaning more toward a living museum than honest to goodness amusement park fun. Like Colonial Williamsburg there are actors mingling in the streets, bothering any person walking by. Because, sometimes you just want to know where a bathroom is and not hear a rehearsed 10-minute spiel about the local orphanage. Let's take a look at the promo package.
Wow! Hoop and stick, jump rope and a person being bound to a pole! The flashbacks to the largely ignored readings of high school English are at every turn!
Beijing Shijingshan Amusement Park: The Copyright Infringingest Place On Earth!
China, determined to reinforce stereotypes of producing nothing but cheap knock offs, is the location for a completely bootleg theme park. Shijingshan Amusement Park has a lot of familiar faces, although park officials refer to them in not so familiar ways.
Here, for instance, is "Duck" and "Girl Cat."
Those who aren't idiots might notice that the cat has rather large, round ears, or the fact that it's a blatant copy of Minnie Mouse. Other characters can be seen throughout the park including a goofy dog, a peasant girl turned princess in glass slippers and a sleeping beauty. Disney bosses have issued numerous copyright infringement lawsuits and recently park workers destroyed the sleeping beauty statues with sledgehammers, and gave no official reason as to why.
But the fakes don't end at Disney characters. Popular Japanese cartoon characters are also seen parading around the park.
The park's owners say everything in the park is original and based off of Grimm's Fairy Tales. We're not sure about all that, but based on Snow White's ticket booth, maybe we all should give those old fairy tales another read.
In 2005, Hong Kong Disneyland was opened, a Walt Disney-licensed park under the jurisdiction of the Chinese Government. Shijingshan Amusement Park was opened in 1986 but it wasn't until Japanese bloggers began reporting about it in late 2007 that people started noticing the suspicious similarities. Minor troubling coincidences like this festival of Disney dopplegangers, that was held under a banner that read "Disney is too far, so please come to Shijingshan."
Looks like the big, round-eared cat is out of the bag.
Love Land: The Horniest Place On Earth!
This hot spot for Korean lovers and newlyweds was opened in 2004 on Cheju Island off the coast of South Korea. It is an outdoor park featuring 140 sculptures, sex education films and, what the heck, a gigantic stone penis.
After the Korean War, the island was a great place for young lovers to get away from it all, and favorable because of the warm climate. Then 2002 marked the beginning of graduates of Seoul's Hongik University starting sculptures that would be placed in the labyrinth of delicious hedonism. There really is something for everyone at Love Land. If you find mammoth cocks intimidating, try watching a mountain finger itself.
The idea of stone labia got you down? Then just enjoy sculptures of couples enjoying their partners company. Remember, it's not porn if it's carved in stone. If you're at work just tell everyone you are an art enthusiast.
The park is around the length of two soccer fields and takes approximately one hour to view all exhibits, not factoring in time it takes to furiously masturbate in the bushes. Owners hope the place will not only be seen as dirty fun but also help the inexperienced understand more about sex and pleasure. However the exhibits may still be too simplistic.
If only it were easy as turning a handle. There are a lot of empty compliments and unfulfilled promises before you get to that stage.
If you're young, horny and curious, give Love Land a try. Or you can try it if you're old, perverted and lonely. Or even if you just like fresh air accompanied by people fucking.
Bon Bon Land: The Tackiest Place On Earth!
Some amusement parks use fantasy as theme; others go for adventure. And others still, like the Danish amusement park Bon Bon Land, use the crassest visual gags possible. The concept of the park is that a candy maker creates his confections involving animals and objects, and these characters populate the nasty little world. One of the most popular rides is the "Hundeprutterutchebane", which translate to Dog-Fart-Coaster.
The shitting dog the riders encircle is Henry Hound. He's always letting out some embarrassing gas and feeling embarrassed. Henry, you're so loveable, if only there were a way to interact with you. And luckily for us there is, because at one turn of the coaster's track, riders are treated to being farted all over by Henry. Using speakers and the latest advancements in fart replication everyone leaves happy, assuming "everyone" is a mental defective. But the fun, and toilet humor, doesn't stop there. Hop on the crazy Turtle.
Or ride the carousel featuring these cute characters.
Yes, it seems everywhere you look something is about to throw up, in the act of throwing up or exposing itself. Uh oh Mr. Seagull, is there something you'd like to add to the depravity?
You rascal, shitting into the alligator's mouth, a clever ruse indeed.
The trip isn't one you'll soon forget, no matter how tight you close your eyes while damning the images burned into your memory. Watch these tourists visit to Bon Bon Land and enjoy the sights (cow titties) and sounds (dog farts). Keep an eye out for the exciting "self operated" rides. Exciting because you could die!
Amusement parks need to always meet one goal, make the customer happy. If the Danish people consider topless cattle and huge piles of dog shit fun, then they better be the biggest tits and tightest-wound shit piles possible. Excellence is all a customer can demand, and that's what Bon Bon Land delivers. Tacky, vulgar excellence.
To find out about some countries that are about the size of an amusement park, check out The The Insane Histories Behind the World's 6 Tiniest Nations or, check out a video of Rick Astley abusing a child. Well, sort of.