What some of the more memorable Oscar speeches from the last 20 years would sound like if the speakers had been dosed with truth serum.
ONE-SENTENCE SUMMARY OF ACTUAL SPEECH: "One small statue for Denzel, one giant leap for me and the three other black actors in Hollywood."
WHAT WOULD'VE BEEN MORE ACCURATE: "I have played dignified black men my entire career: a wrongly accused boxer fighting for justice, an accomplished general in the Persian Gulf, a conflicted prosecutor in Philadelphia, and for all of that I get jack shit. But in Training Day I say "mawfuckah" and shoot people, and all of the sudden everyone in Hollywood is up on their feet saying 'Get that man an Oscar! That's how you portray a Negro!'
You probably expected me to get up here, dance around like Cuba did, maybe put my Oscar on a gold chain around my neck and recite the first verse of 'Momma Said Knock You Out.' Well this is one black man who will no longer compromise his integrity for a little golden eunuch. Unless, of course, Disney offers me a role in an old-timey tale of an underdog triumphing against adversity. That shit's like kryptonite to me."
ONE-SENTENCE SUMMARY OF ACTUAL SPEECH: "I have blown my brother."
WHAT WOULD'VE BEEN MORE ACCURATE: "I'd like to thank my father, Jon Voight, for banging my mom--it opened up countless doors in Hollywood for me. Without nepotism, I'd be like the rest of the vast majority of mildly-talented actresses with great racks--praying for a role where I pretend to blow a dude with a barbed-wire tattoo on Cinemax. Instead I get to come to the Oscars and pretend to have blown my brother. Which is somehow, better. Thanks, dad!"
ONE-SENTENCE SUMMARY OF ACTUAL SPEECH: "I had a gay theater teacher, and I hope my kids have teachers just as gay as him."
WHAT WOULD'VE BEEN MORE HONEST: "Ignorance occurs when people are too afraid to talk about something. Well, if this little golden statue has earned me anything, I'd like to think it earned me the courage to talk about something that most people in Hollywood are too afraid to discuss. Something that I never would have thought to talk about before this film.
Ladies and gentlemen, I am NOT gay. I had a gay theater teacher in high school, and he was cool, and I hope my kids have a teacher as cool, and possibly as gay as him. But you'll notice there that I said I had kids. The sort that come out of women who've had sex with men. Heterosexual men like me.
I took this role because my agent told me it would be brave. Had I known that every stage designer from Chelsea would be taking it as documentary evidence that I wanted to have sex with him on the set of Sleepless in Seattle I would have just made Joe vs. the Volcano 2: Joe vs. the Predator like I had planned.
In closing, I'd just like to reiterate that gay guys are great. And I would be totally fine with it if they taught my kids. But the fact that I have kids proves that I have vaginal sex with women. Thank you."
ONE-SENTENCE SUMMARY OF ACTUAL SPEECH: "I love my grandmother and Oprah and I'm not afraid to cry!"
WHAT WOULD'VE BEEN MORE ACCURATE: "First, I want to thank Ray Charles for dying recently. Without his well-timed and highly publicized death, I wouldn't be standing here in front of you today. [Weeps, looks skyward] Thank you, Ray. I'd also like to thank random chance, for making me kind of look like Ray Charles. Well, not really that much like him, but, combined with the fact that Denzel was booked, and if you squint real hard, I'm close enough--it worked.
Now, I know that giving an Oscar to someone for doing a really good impression basically means that Daryl Hammond is this century's Laurence Olivier, but I impressioned the shit out of Ray Charles. Also, I do a mean Lionel Ritchie too, so I'll be back!"
ONE-SENTENCE SUMMARY OF ACTUAL SPEECH: "I am in no way angry that you've waited this long. Thanks, Academy!"
WHAT WOULD'VE BEEN MORE ACCURATE: "So many great roles. The understated desperation in Dog Day Afternoon and the quietly intense Michael Corleone. Nothing. Then, I do a meth-fueled Yosemite Sam impression for a couple of weeks instead of acting. I scream 'sassafrass' and 'hooo-waaaah' and you give me an Oscar?
For Christ's sake, at one point during filming I was so fucked up on gin and Ritalin that I screamed 'servin' jalapeno dip to the apple seeds,' and they actually put it in the movie. Go back and watch it, I swear that line is in there. What does that even mean? The character's not deaf, he's blind. Being blind doesn't make you scream gibberish.
As a sort of sustained protest against this travesty, I'm going to play this exact same character for the rest of my life. That's right, it don't matter if I'm playing a New York attorney or Michael Corleone again, I'm gonna run around screamin' in an absurd Cajun accent. See, I'm already doin' it. It's GREAT, ain't it?
I've got a GREAT accent, and you've got your head ALL THE WAY UP YOUR ASS, SWIRLIN' AROUND LIKE YOU GOT A HAYRIDE ON YO' POOPIE PANTS! I'M GONNA PUT MY SEED ALL OVER THE JUKEBOX FO' THE CHURCH FOLK!
Jesus people, stop clapping!"
ONE-SENTENCE SUMMARY OF ACTUAL SPEECH: "We are quiet, humble geniuses, just like Will Hunting!"
THE TRUTH: "Wow. We had no idea you could get one of these bad-boys just for handing a few pages of loose-leaf over to an A-list writer/director team. Seriously, though--this was one of the best scripts in a decade, and you guys believe a couple of B-level actors wrote it? Please. You guys aaaah wicked dumb. When we went to Rob Reiner with the idea for this movie, it was a thriller about the FBI trying to kidnap a math prodigy. It was a fucking action movie! He told us that was retarded, hooked us up with some writer guy and Gus Van Sant and now we're standing here.
If you're skeptical, just look at all the other great screenplays we're going to go on to write: Matt's going to write one called Gerry that will be so bad it won't even get distribution, and Ben's next writing project will be called Push Nevada, which also won't hit theaters because it will be an almost immediately canceled network TV show. Luckily, none of this will stop us from starring in a bunch of movies where we get paid swimming pools-full of money to kick people in the face."
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