Tonsil Stones are hard, yellowish-white globules that grow in the back of the throat and can become dislodged by coughing or sneezing. After expelling one of these disgusting lumps for the first time, a person may be worried. And if they happen to sniff one of these stones they may panic, because the scent leads one to assume their assholes are attempting to climb out their throats. These mouth-made stink bombs are repulsive, and worst still, oddly fascinating.
There's a good chance you'll wind up with these, if you haven't already, assuming you meet two qualifications; you've entered adulthood and you still have your tonsils. All the little brats out there who begged for tonsillectomies for a week of no school and ice cream are not cursed with this ailment, although they are spoiled bastards who will never know real love.
What causes it?
Tonsils are the gatekeepers to the esophagus. Maybe that's too dramatic; they are more like minimum wage bouncers, keeping out most nasty organisms but still letting a few fatties through the door. The organs' surfaces are dimpled, like that of a golf ball, and these indentations are known as tonsillar crypts. It's a fitting name because food dislodged from these crypts does indeed smell like a decomposing body. This is due to food particles becoming caught and then covered by saliva, dead white blood cells and anaerobic bacteria. Wait, we're sorry, were you eating?
Anyway, over time layers begin building on layers forming larger particles. These majestic throat pearls will remain until they become heavy enough to break free and swallowed or expelled from the mouth. The particles growth can cause discomfort and even mild pain, but that's about it. The sensation resembles a feeling of something lodged in the throat. That's mostly because there is something lodged in the throat, and we've been talking about it this whole time.
Permaboner (aka Priapism)
This is what they're talking about on those Cialis commercials (" ... if your erection lasts more than four hours, consult a physician ... "). It is the dreaded prolonged male erection, keeping in mind that an educated man's dread is an imbecile's unanswered prayer. Priapism is not only a penis that is unable to return to a flaccid state, but it's also described as a very painful erection. And we're not talking about emotionally painful, either.
The medical community is divided on how much time should constitute a case of priapism, but most have settled on six hours, although a person should seek medical attention after four (as the commercials say). This all occurs in the absence of any sexual stimulus, however if you are in possession of enough material to keep it up for almost a quarter of a day's time you should look in to some new hobbies.
Thankfully episodes of priapism are not common in the real world; most incidents confined to the professionally edited fantasy realms of pornography. Unfortunately cases are more common in men who are suffering from other diseases, such as sickle cell anemia, that prevent blood from flowing back out of said boner.
What causes it?
Although not every facet of the disorder is known, scientists are sure all cases happen from injury or damage to the mechanism that produces detumescence of the penis. Detumescence is a fancy word for relaxation of the penis after orgasm, and is usually accompanied by greater clarity in reasoning and maybe remorse, depending on who or what you find it inside of when your penis finally relaxes.
This horrible situation sounded awesome to crotchety old men with erectile dysfunction, and a pill was invented to cater to their elderly lust. This created the second most common group to suffer from priapsm, and the easiest go-to joke for hacky stand up comics. "A four hour erection? I ain't callin' a doctor, I'm gonna call a hooker!" Other punch lines include "call the 6 o'clock news" and "call my old girlfriends." All of which you would never call in reality because you'd be frightened and in excruciating pain.
Aside from the aforementioned blood disease and Cialis overdose, priapism cam be caused by some sort of trauma-like spinal damage, drug/alcohol abuse, or even black widow spider bites. You've probably never heard that last one, we're guessing because the medical community doesn't want to drive a huge increase in black widow sales to men who just can't wrap their heads around the idea that a six-hour boner is actually a bad thing.
Last time he was here, Jeff gave you the medical side of douchbaggery with his article 5 Douchebag Behaviors That Can be Explained by Science. Or, find out why writer Michael Swaim is angry with a glass jar at the moment.