Tom Jones' Chest Hair - $7,000,000
Tom Jones, still making elderly Las Vegas audiences swoon at age 67, lives in fear. Sure, he's stayed famous for like half a century, and probably sexed enough women to populate a small and very satisfied country. But Tom believes all that could come crashing down with a single accident (say, a spontaneous shirt combustion) that in any way damages his luxuriant pelt of chest hair.
So, he took out a $7,000,000 policy, which we're guessing is what it would cost to get replacement chest hair implants should the worst happen.
Was It Worth It?
Let's get one thing clear, Tom Jones is awesome. If you think otherwise, you simply have not spent enough time studying Tom Jones. So it's with a heavy heart that we have to mock the man.
But insuring his chest hair, for lack of a better term, is the stupidest damn thing we've ever heard. On the long list of things that make Tom Jones the stud that he is, his chest hair isn't even on it. He's got a ton of cash, chicks dig him, he oozes charisma, he's got enough confidence to pose spread eagle in a banana hammock...
... he writes great tunes, the list goes on and on. And on, and on.
In fact, the only thing not awesome about Tom is that he just happens to be only slightly less hairy than a grizzly bear with a massive Propecia addiction. Yet somehow, Tom has said to himself, "Yeah, I can can sing, people love me, but everyone knows the chest hair is the real star here. If I ever dared take the stage smooth-chested, the women would curse and the men would literally pelt the stage with their own feces."
It pretty much goes without saying that this self reflection took place back in the '70s in a very dark hotel room amidst mountains of cocaine and a bevy of well boned groupies at approximately 4am. And it's been bothering Tom ever since.
What he should have gotten:
How about everything but the damn chest hair? Tom Jones is a walking monument to awesomeness. He's pushing 70, and chicks still throw their panties at him when he's on stage. That's rarefied air.
Without the voice, the swagger, the awkward yet somehow totally appropriate dance moves and killer songwriting chops...Tom would still bag more trim in a day than we will in our whole collective lives. But as luck would have it, he has all those things and really can't afford to lose them. He's the perfect candidate for the more traditional voice insurance, hell, even the leg insurance. But chest hair? We think Tom would pull through without it.
Adam hosts a podcast called Unpopular Opinion that you should check out right here. You should also be his friend on Twitter, Facebook and Tumblr.
If you enjoy laughing at celebrities with wildly distorted self-images, check out 6 Singers Who Are Mistaken About Their Raw Sexuality. Or, read about the dumbest women to ever use feminist rhetoric in Wayne Gladstone's latest post about the Spice Girls.