The 6 Strangest Tales of Celebrity Body Part Insurance

What he should have gotten:
It's a pretty safe bet that, as a rocker fully expecting to hit the road and partake in the waves of in-the-sack action that comes with the territory, Dave stood no chance of landing any kind of health insurance policy. Dave should have probably considered adding a clause to the Lloyd's of London policy that protected him from the nasty little side effects that can result from anonymous, drug-fueled sex romps, should he wake up some morning and find his penis oozing a substance that eats a hole in his floor like the blood from the creatures in Alien.

But for fucks sake, a million dollars? We're talking about a woman who spends the majority of her working hours being filmed from the waist up while promising to tell you all about the shocking backstage details you didn't see on the American Idol finale. Aren't the killer legs sort of a nice-to-have?

Mary Hart's legs may be absolutely phenomenal, but it's not like getting her stems mangled in a freak farming accident would prevent her from talking about K-Fed. Even if she lost both of her legs, you could still prop her up on a dessert cart and roll her out in front of the camera for a few minutes a night. Who wouldn't want to watch that?

What she should have gotten:
If The New England Journal of Medicine is to be believed, and it usually is, Mary Hart may want to look into some liability insurance. In 1991, a woman claimed that she got epileptic seizures after hearing Mary Hart's voice on an episode of Entertainment Tonight. That's the kind of thing men have joked about at the expense of countless women for centuries, but this time it actually happened.

When doctors later conducted laboratory tests, they confirmed that the sound of Mary Hart's voice set off abnormal electrical discharges in the woman's brain which led to the seizures. When she stopped watching Entertainment Tonight, the seizures never returned. Luckily for Mary Hart, the woman never filed suit, opting instead to live a life devoid of up-to-the-minute news about entertainment's biggest stars. But if someone else comes down with the Hart Shakes, Mary may not be so lucky next time. Time to consider an "I send people into convulsions" addendum to that stupid legs policy.

Back during the silent film era, actors had to go the extra mile to make people laugh. A simple bit of snappy dialogue wouldn't do the trick, mostly because moviegoers had to read the dialogue. If people wanted to fucking read, they would've stayed home with their stone tablets or slates or whatever those geezers were writing on back then. Since Charlie Chaplin already had the "future mustache of Hitler as comedy" bit on lock, silent film star Ben Turpin went with the alternative "future eyes of Columbo" routine. In 1907, the sight of a man with crossed eyes was all it took to send throngs of moviegoers into fits of laughter. Convinced that his crossed eyes were the key to his silent comedic success, Turpin took out an insurance policy that would pay him $25,000 in the event that his eyes somehow became uncrossed.

Was It Worth It?
Sure, if for no other reason than to help poor Ben keep his sanity intact. He was so hellbent on making sure his eyes never uncrossed that, according to friends, he would check a mirror anytime he received a blow to the head to make sure his eyes hadn't strayed in the right direction. You would think the fact that he endured blows to the head on a frequent enough basis that his friends would recall something like that would pretty much guarantee his eyes would stay crossed.

What's especially odd about this, at least these days, is that most actors would spend some of that movie cash to have their eyes uncrossed. Given that Turpin's left eye was actually normal when off camera (he intentionally crossed it to match the right one), it wouldn't have been much of a stretch to shell out some cash to get that shit fixed and just cross them both on his own when the cameras rolled.

What he should have gotten:
Can you get "potentially annoying voice" insurance? Even back in the day, they had to figure at some point movies would advance to the point that people could actually hear you talk. What would have become of old Turpin if, when that happened, people found that he had the voice of a stuck pig doing its best Fran Drescher impersonation? No amount of crossed eyes are going to make people want to sit through some shit like that, especially if it turns out he can send someone into epileptic fits just by talking.

This is the same type of problem Matthew Mcconaughey will have if some future technology allows us to smell the actors.

Because none of us give two shits about cricket, we have no idea what those powers would be. But whatever they are, it's a safe bet to assume that Merv would be stripped of them should any harm fall upon his imposing mouth brow.

What he should have gotten:
None. Unless he wants to have his 'stache insured twice, which we would totally understand. Otherwise, Merv Hughes could not have possibly made a better investment.

But one thing that's for sure, Mariah Carey's legs are capable of setting tempers ablaze, as demonstrated in an eight-page internet flame war that we stumbled upon while researching this article. What starts as a simple forum topic about the billion-dollar leg insurance policy quickly devolves into a bitter argument between two gay dudes about whether Mariah Carey is more awesome than Madonna. At least we hope they're gay. If you think you have the patience to wade through eight pages of posts littered with "bwa-haaaaa-haaaas" and, alternately, "bwa-heeee-heeees," be our guest. Otherwise, here are a couple of highlights ...

Michael McCarthy: "bwa hehehehe - Meanwhile fat Carey who can only flail her arms and stand in one spot screeching like a hoe bitch is left with a pepsi ad to promote that she's a fat slag and a Gillette ad - the best a man can get beacuse she is the true transvestite bwa hehehehehe"

CHARLIE: "being chosen by Pepsi to be the first artist to release her own personalized ringtones over that steed-kicked granny grandma-donna whom Pepsi ditched a decade ago (boy, that hag must be sooo old) for not having world-class appeal, also for being tagged by Gillette Venus as the lady with the legs of a goddess (and McDonna has none, boo-hoo, he-he)! COngrats Mariah, the supreme diva!"

What she should have gotten:
All the shapely legs in the world won't save Mariah if she wigs out again like she did after her movie Glitter bombed. After damn near stripping on TRL and leaving a rambling phone message on her website that went on for about 20 minutes about nothing much more than rainbows, Carey disappeared from the public eye for months while rumors swirled about her batshit insanity. She famously recovered after releasing the comeback album The Emancipation of Mimi in 2005. But you can only return from the depths of crazy so many times before it finally sticks. She should probably look into getting that wacky brain of hers covered against any future breakdowns before she blows her whole wad covering her legs.