I almost stood and applauded when those words appeared, but somehow I maintained my composure. Next, the Star Wars logo appeared, and my excitement kicked up another notch. It was like awaiting the birth of my first child, only a thousand times better. I touched the twin Leia-style hair buns I had braided on each side of my head. I found myself literally sitting on the edge of my seat, and the intro wasn't even over yet!
Then, those word things that float through space appeared, and like always, I just fast-forwarded through those. Camera pans up to show scattered spaceships heading towards a large planet, and-
The remote control smashed against the TV screen with a sharp *pop* that made Carrie jerk in shock. I stood and shouted at the television.
"This is fuckin' bullshit! Spaceships don't make noise in space!"
"What?" asked my confused wife.
"Space is a total vacuum, and you can't have noise in a vacuum. This is fuckin' BULLSHIT!!!"
"John," she pleaded, "calm down. Every Star Wars movie starts out like this. George Lucas uses what's called 'suspension of disbelief.' It's where the viewer forgives inaccuracies for the sake of enjoying the-"
"Fuckin' BULLSHIT is what it is! Spaceships don't make noise in space. It's impossible, and I don't appreciate him thinking I'm stupid! If I were to punch you in the face while we were floating around in space, and you opened up your mouth to scream, you know what would happen?"
"John, please. Please just sit down and wat-"
"Nothing, that's what! Because spaceships don't make noise in space! Why ruin a perfectly good movie by putting something stupid in there like noisy spaceships in a total noiseless environment like space? It's a simple matter of mathematics. Space plus noise equals don't happen."
"Every single Star Wars has spaceships making noise in space, John. It's not like-"
"Then why haven't I noticed it before, harlot? Tell me that. I think I'd notice something as obvious as spaceships shootin' out noise all over a no-noise zone like space! You see, space is a vacuum..."
"You never noticed it because you always have 'The Humpty Dance' playing so you can giggle and pretend the music is coming from the cockpit stereos of the ships. You even bring headphones into the theater. This is why I hate watching movies with you."
"It's BULLSHIT! And I won't stand for it anymore. If they're gonna treat us like we're morons, then I'm putting on 'The Humpty Dance.'"
"I'm going to bed. I don't have the patience for this tonight."
"Your boobies better have some patience! Because later tonight I'm gonna be Boobie Fett, intergalactic Boobie Hunter!"
I'd have to say that, overall, this movie was a hellish shitstorm of suck. Of course, there were a few redeeming scenes, like when Anakin turned to Amidala and said, "I'm a freak. I like the girls with the booms. I once got busy in a Burger King bathroom." Or when Yoda tells his young students, "Yeah, I called ya fat. Look at me; I'm skinny. That never stopped me from gettin' busy." But moments like these are few and far between.
I never thought I'd do this, but I'm going to have to give the Star Wars: Attack of the Clones DVD the same rating as the suck-ass theatrical release. Our lowest rating: