Grossly Inaccurate Review: Star Wars Attack of the Clones - DVD

DVD REVIEW:

Attack of the Clones

by John Cheese

(Our review of the original theatrical release is HERE.)

Lucasfilm

Natalie Portman

Samuel L. Jackson

I trashed the boobless theater release of this film, but, unlike the old man in the classic children's story The Old Man Who Didn't Believe in Second Chances, I believe in second chances. And if anyone deserves a second chance, it's George Lucas.

That's one reason why this DVD review of Star Wars: Attack of the Clones is a special one for me; the DVD viewing is always the true experience for these films. And I'm not ashamed to admit, I am a huge, huge Star Wars fan.

In fact, one might even say that I'm a bit obsessed. For instance, I've seen the first and third films six times apiece, and I even own a copy of Phantom Menace. I've virtually memorized every syllable of each movie; get me drunk and soon enough I'll start breathing Darth Vader-style and saying, "the circle of the force has become one, Solo. Oby-One has taught you a lot!" Often when my wife says "I love you" I'll do my best Han Solo voice and say, "of course you do! Everyone loves me!"

The second film in the saga, The Empire's Revenge, or something like that, I haven't had the privilege to see all the way through yet.

It kind of creeps people out that I'm so deeply into the films, but what can I say? It's Star Wars! To prove how momentous those movies were, just compare other movies to Star Wars (such as the Matrix and Lord of the Rings trilogies). See that? They're not as good!

These modern classics Mr. Lucas brought us deserve every ounce of the fanaticism the fans bring to the table! That's why I was so disappointed to find the Attack of the Clones DVD to be such a flaming pile of crusted shit.

When we brought the disc home from the video store, I wasted no time in setting the mood with my almost ritual-like preparations. As Carrie (my wife) finished making the popcorn, I slid in the DVD and muted the television. Turning on my computer, I brought up my mp3 of The Humpty Dance by Digital Underground, and set it for infinite play. Carrie entered the room as I simultaneously pressed "Play" on both the DVD player and my Winamp to start off what was sure to be a grand viewing.

"Oh, no," sighed Carrie. "We're not doing this again, John."

"What?" I innocently replied, adjusting the volume on my computer speakers.

"That," she barked. "We're not doing that again. Every time we get a chance to spend some time together with a good movie you turn on that stupidass song and giggle every time the main character appears to be singing along with it. I want to actually watch the movie this time."

"But, honey," I retorted, "you will be watching it. You just won't be hearing what they're saying. Would you like me to turn on the closed caption thingy so you can see the script?" I patched my PC audio cables into my stereo speakers for some extra punch.

"Turn the music off right now. I'm not spending the next two-and-a-half hours listening to you giggle over the grating background of Humpty Hump's voice."

"But, hone-"

"In three seconds, if that music isn't off and that TV turned up to an audible level, you will never touch these boobs again. Ever."

A tense silence filled the air, just as when Darth Vader faced down Obee-Won in Episode IV and told him that he should gather 'round, because he was the new fool in town and that his sounds were laid down by the underground.

"You cut me, woman," I growled. "You cut me deep... Fine. You can have your precious sound. But make no mistake... I'll be touchin' me some boobie tonight."

Readjusting the TV's volume and turning off the computer, I sat down with my wife. As the screen went dark, I sat back in anxious anticipation.

A long time ago in galaxy far, far away...

I almost stood and applauded when those words appeared, but somehow I maintained my composure. Next, the Star Wars logo appeared, and my excitement kicked up another notch. It was like awaiting the birth of my first child, only a thousand times better. I touched the twin Leia-style hair buns I had braided on each side of my head. I found myself literally sitting on the edge of my seat, and the intro wasn't even over yet!

Then, those word things that float through space appeared, and like always, I just fast-forwarded through those. Camera pans up to show scattered spaceships heading towards a large planet, and-

The remote control smashed against the TV screen with a sharp *pop* that made Carrie jerk in shock. I stood and shouted at the television.

"This is fuckin' bullshit! Spaceships don't make noise in space!"

"What?" asked my confused wife.

"Space is a total vacuum, and you can't have noise in a vacuum. This is fuckin' BULLSHIT!!!"

"John," she pleaded, "calm down. Every Star Wars movie starts out like this. George Lucas uses what's called 'suspension of disbelief.' It's where the viewer forgives inaccuracies for the sake of enjoying the-"

"Fuckin' BULLSHIT is what it is! Spaceships don't make noise in space. It's impossible, and I don't appreciate him thinking I'm stupid! If I were to punch you in the face while we were floating around in space, and you opened up your mouth to scream, you know what would happen?"

"John, please. Please just sit down and wat-"

"Nothing, that's what! Because spaceships don't make noise in space! Why ruin a perfectly good movie by putting something stupid in there like noisy spaceships in a total noiseless environment like space? It's a simple matter of mathematics. Space plus noise equals don't happen."

"Every single Star Wars has spaceships making noise in space, John. It's not like-"

"Then why haven't I noticed it before, harlot? Tell me that. I think I'd notice something as obvious as spaceships shootin' out noise all over a no-noise zone like space! You see, space is a vacuum..."

"You never noticed it because you always have 'The Humpty Dance' playing so you can giggle and pretend the music is coming from the cockpit stereos of the ships. You even bring headphones into the theater. This is why I hate watching movies with you."

"It's BULLSHIT! And I won't stand for it anymore. If they're gonna treat us like we're morons, then I'm putting on 'The Humpty Dance.'"

"I'm going to bed. I don't have the patience for this tonight."

"Your boobies better have some patience! Because later tonight I'm gonna be Boobie Fett, intergalactic Boobie Hunter!"

"Whatever."

I'd have to say that, overall, this movie was a hellish shitstorm of suck. Of course, there were a few redeeming scenes, like when Anakin turned to Amidala and said, "I'm a freak. I like the girls with the booms. I once got busy in a Burger King bathroom." Or when Yoda tells his young students, "Yeah, I called ya fat. Look at me; I'm skinny. That never stopped me from gettin' busy." But moments like these are few and far between.

I never thought I'd do this, but I'm going to have to give the Star Wars: Attack of the Clones DVD the same rating as the suck-ass theatrical release. Our lowest rating:

One star.

*

Posted by vd.nash@verizon.net
12.14.02 - 2:55 PM
Subject: george ate the good parts

Message: George Lucas is too fat to make a good movie. if he can't make himself look good how can he make a movie look good? I don't even want to talk about this turd.

Has anybody seen Chamber of Secrets yet? when's the next chapter of your fanfic coming, mohair?

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Posted by mohair
12.14.02 - 3:12 PM
Subject: HP fanfic cont. from eyes wide shut forum:

Message: Here's the next bit of HP fanfic from yours truly! Hope you like it!

Part 6:

Snape walked down the hall. He had not seen him. Harry Potter turned to Hermione sitting across the room, and knew it was time for him to tap that ass.

He let his robe fall open revealing his manhood rock hard. "Whats that?" asked Hermione. She was pointing at his pants and Harry looked down and saw it was cock sticking out of his pants. He was ashamed because his tool was only nine inches long he pulled out his wand.

"Jonnus Holmesus!"

Harry's pecker grew to twice its original size. Hermione's face lit up with anticipation. Suddenly, a sound burst in from behind them.

"Ron!!"

Harry and Hermione turned to the door, where Ron Weasley was standing. Harry was afraid Ron would be angry but he just stood there. Ron and Harry were curious teenage boys and had often wrestled naked in their dorm room.

Ron walked toward them, but his robe caught on a nail and it tore away and he was completely naked. He made no effort to cover himself. Harry knew what was coming. Many of the other Hogwarts students had had threesomes and he always felt left out when they told their stories. Harry knew that today he would become a man.

Harry's owl, Hedwig, flew in and perched on Harry's erect penis. Harry laughed. "Hedwig, you can't just come and perch on my penis!" Hedwig flew away.

(message cropped for length)

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Posted by JOJO
12.14.02 - 3:43 PM
Subject: mohair rulez!!!!

Message: wongs forum wont let long messages pleaz continue!!!!

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Posted by johntaylor412@aol.com
12.14.02 - 4:02 PM
Subject: yes!!!

Message: you are such a good writer! could you get your story published? post the rest i want to know how it turns out!!!

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Posted by mohair
12.14.02 - 4:22 PM
Subject: part 6 part 2

Message: WTF???!?

I got an error message. anyway:

Ron's sister, Ginny, walked into the room. She was also naked. Her enormous breasts blew in the wind. Ron looked down at his penis. He needed no magic to make it long because it was already seventeen inches long. He walked over to where Hermione was tied to the bed. He pulled a bullwhip out of his pocket and a

(edited for content by webmaster)

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Posted by cremecorn
12.14.02 - 4:38 PM
Subject: ARRRGGHHHH!!!

Message: dammit wong leave us alone! I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!1

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Posted by mohair
12.14.02 - 5:05 PM
Subject: censorship

Message: oh well. you can read the rest at

http://www.slashfic.com/potter/4521_f.php

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Posted by fartre
12.14.02 - 5:18 PM
Subject: censorship is right

Message:

I see that forum members are no longer subject to the rules of common sense or inteligent discorse, but to the mood of David Wong. Reminds me somewhat of Joe Stalin, exept the Checka in this case is Wong's mouse finger. I had a feeling the forum would degrade to this. It is a shame really.

Now I know what it's like to live in China.

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Posted by dobbie
12.14.02 - 6:03 PM
Subject: DAMMIT

Message:

that was the best one yet, too. i think mohairs stories are better than the original books. UR a great writer!!!! keep it up!!

i wonder how it ended?

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Posted by neo
12.14.02 - 6:14 PM
Subject: picking up the banner

Message: I bet they had sex.

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