The Best Late-Night Jokes About Those Trump Death Rumors

While the late-night shows were on vacation, there were quite a few big Trump-related stories. So many in fact, that all of the shows did rapid-fire round-up style recaps of his various headline-grabbing misdeeds. Trump finally went after Seth Meyers, he illegally occupied Washington, D.C., and he was suspected of being dead for nearly three days. (The rumor of Trump being dead was finally dispelled when he showed up for a press conference alive.) 

And that’s just in the last week.

Jimmy Kimmel, having been away from his show for the longest, had the most to catch up on. He had a literal list written down on paper, accompanied by a video montage of some of Trump’s most unbelievable television appearances from the summer. Kimmel’s super cut of Trump’s evil antics ended with acknowledging the rumor that Trump actually died this past weekend. 

“There was a rumor making the rounds this weekend that Trump was dead because he hadn’t been in front of a camera for a few days,” Kimmel remarked. “That’s how much he’s in front of a camera. When we don’t see him there, we assume he must be dead.”

Kimmel also pointed out that during a press conference when Trump was asked about the rumors that he was dead, JD Vance broke into a smile despite everyone else having very serious expressions on their faces. “Good old JD,” Kimmel said. “He hears the words ‘Trump dead,’ he lights up like a Christmas tree. Everyone gets all worked up. Here’s the thing: Donald Trump will never die. Forget it. He’s like Dracula. He’s going to keep sucking the life out of us forever.”

Kimmel wasn’t the only one who had fun with the whole “Is Trump Dead?” newscycle. The news is how Stephen Colbert kicked off his monologue. 

“When I came back to the office, I was shocked to learn that this weekend the biggest story was frenzied social media rumors speculating whether Donald Trump had died,” Colbert said. “For the record, Donald Trump is very much alive.”

To this, the crowd let out a collective groan. “Okay. And no, we like our presidents alive," Colbert urged the crowd. “Donald Trump is very much alive. And this whole crazy rumor started simply because Trump had zero events on his schedule Wednesday, Thursday or Friday.”

But the best bit was when Colbert impersonated Trump running a phone sex line. “The president doesn’t sleep and is on the phone all night,” Colbert said. “Proof that he is completely healthy or runs a phone sex line. ‘Hello.’ ‘Hello.’ ‘Yes.’ ‘Hello.’ ‘What am I wearing?’ ‘I’m wearing my baseball hat with my name on it and compression socks for my bloated cankles.’ ‘Oh.’ ‘They’re so plump and fluid right now.’ ‘I could shake them up.’ ‘You want to hear him gurgle? You like that? You like that, baby?’”

Not to miss out on the fun, Seth Meyers also dedicated a bit of his monologue to the rumors of Trump’s declining health. “When any 79-year-old says, I’ve never felt better, you just assume they’re being sarcastic, or they’re in cognitive decline,” Meyers quipped. “I’ve never felt better. Well, that’s just because you can’t remember before, Pops. And by the way, no judgment. I’m 51. My main hobby is thinking about how much better I used to feel.”

In response to the photos shared of Trump on Saturday, Meyers joked, “Yeesh! I’m not saying he looks old, but he’s starting to do the whole walk around with your mouth open thing that Joe Biden used to do.”

He also was sure to add, “Trump is very pale, which somehow makes him look both older and also way more normal than he usually looks.”