You don't go to McDonald's looking for perfection. You go there for a burger that costs less and tastes worse than the cumulative change in your car. By the time you're pulling into the McDonald's drive-thru, you've already lost the battle with your dignity and taste buds.
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It's the food version of a "massage parlor": you pay, avoid eye contact
with the employees, and hate yourself when you're done.
In addition to cheapness, people go to McDonald's looking for maniac consistency. To the franchise's credit, your McFartwich may have the flavor of dusty nickels slathered in radish ketchup and raccoon cheese, but at least your McEdibles will taste basically the same at any one of the 9 zillion McDonald's dotting the Earth like planet acne.
And -- as these recent news stories demonstrate -- when McDonald's fails to deliver on its most baseline promise of food made of carbon, shit happens. How so?
#4. Woman Rides Horse into Restaurant After Being Denied Drive-Thru Service, It Shits
A woman from the U.K. wanted nothing more than to ride her faithful steed through the McDonald's drive-thru and enjoy her value meal while riding atop her hoofed friend, just like King Arthur did centuries prior. And when she was denied service, she wasn't going to take it sitting down. Or she was, but while sitting down on her horse.
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"Why the long face?"
"I wanted Taco Bell."
So the horse lover decided to ride her horse into the actual restaurant to demand to be served. The horse was apparently just as pissed off as its owner, as it proceeded to fire its bowels all over the place. This outraged workers and customers alike, as they realized the horse poo on the floor looked and smelled better than what they were currently eating.
"Can I get fries with that?"
Officers were called to the scene, and the woman was fined with a fixed penalty notice. McDonald's issued a statement explaining that they don't serve drive-thru to pedestrians or customers on bicycles and horseback. But especially horseback.
#3. Police Sergeant Pulls Gun on Man (Whose Order Was Taking Too Long)
Have you ever been behind someone in line for the drive-thru and he is just taking so goddamn long to receive his food? As we wait in despair to move up in line, we can only wonder to ourselves if he ordered every last thing on the menu.
This scenario happened one too many times for Scott Biumi, a police sergeant in Atlanta, Georgia. Realizing that law and order don't apply to the McDonald's drive-thru line, Biumi marched up to the motorist waiting at the window and yelled, "Stop holding up the drive-thru line!" Then he pulled out his pistol and aimed it at the neck of the driver, who just so happened to be a high school kid.
He came for a Number 4, but made a Number 2.
It was probably at that point that Biumi realized he'd made a huge mistake, so he got into his car and drove away without his Big Mac. But as you probably know by now, Ronald McDonald's terrifying eyes see everything, and the McDonald's video footage and kid behind the wheel helped catch the guy whose love of mass-produced beef circles outstripped his fondness for human life.
#2. Drunk Lady Blocks Drive-Thru, Demands Free Food, Gets Arrested
Have you ever seen a kid throw a temper tantrum at the grocery store to get some cookies? Picture that, but with a drunk grown-up, and in the McDonald's drive-thru, and in the middle of the morning. Kimberly Womack had one too many crappy meals at McDonald's, so instead of simply finding somewhere else to eat, she got drunk one morning and sat in the drive-thru lane, demanding that they give her two free Big Macs because of her past bad experiences.
An employee told Womack they weren't serving Big Macs since it was still breakfast, so she switched tactics and demanded two Egg McMuffins in their place, determined not to let a little thing like the hour of the day stand in the way of justice.
Pasco County Sheriff's Office
"And Shamrock Shakes! Fuck this 'March only' bullshit."
After repeatedly denying Womack a free meal but unable to get her to leave, employees called the police. Besides the scent of desperation emanating from her, officers also noticed that she reeked of alcohol. When they found she had a blood alcohol level of .108, instead of free food they gave her a day's stay in a cell after charging her with a DUI.
#1. Man Calls 911 Because McDonald's Got His Order Wrong, Gets Arrested
We've all done it. You place your very meticulously crafted drive-thru order, grab your food, and peel off so that you can eat your three McRibs under a secluded overpass (judged only by feral cats and God). And by the time you hit the nearest stoplight, you realize that this bag is full of someone else's shitty food and you cry.
And wonder what kind of weirdo actually orders the Filet-O-Fish.
Not Lorenzo Riggins of Albany, Georgia. He placed an order of seven McDoubles, a McChicken, and, of course, fries. After he had already left McDonald's and gotten into his car, he looked into the paper bag and was horrified to realize that he was one McDouble short. He went back inside, and (according to him) the employee wasn't being helpful and copped an attitude with him. Feeling like he needed some backup on his side to solve this catastrophic emergency, he dialed 911.
For future reference, "Hamburglary" is not an actual crime.
Police did show up, but it wasn't to rectify the McDouble situation. They instead arrested Riggins for misusing 911. Hopefully next time he will not make the same mistake and check his bag before leaving. Oh, and call Officer Big Mac instead.