Hip-hop mogul Jay-Z recently took time out of beating life in god mode to tweet the cryptic message "Chris Brown." No one knows what Mr. Z meant by this, save that it cannot portend good fortune for the rapscallion Chris Brown, a dancer of some repute and a batterer of the fairer sex. From now on, wherever Mr. B____ roams, he shall look warily behind him for that ineluctable demon, that relentless avenger, J-Hova! As it turns out, baiting Chris Brown is the third most-popular use of Twitter, right behind broadcasting your McOrder and detonating your career in Congress. Some call these people haters. Others believe the trolls' work will one day needle the man-child Brown into growing a soul. Still others believe Brown can do no wrong because they are his mother. In the following tweets, we examine the emerging science of reminding Chris Brown that he just does not get it.
#1) I don't know why Twitter verified Jenny Johnson's account since she's popular on Twitter for being popular on Twitter. I Googled her for 20 minutes (I tried "Binging" but my computer just sighed and told me I'd thank it later), and I learned nothing about who she is. I did confirm she hates Chris Brown so hard birds can see it in ultraviolet. If she were the third Mario sibling and he were Bowser, she'd be heartbroken to learn she could only kill him eight times. Here are some examples of the rage-engines that drive her.
The LOL really makes this one sing
I find your hate sexy, Jenny Johnson
Oh, irony, you rascal
Her hatred for him endures so strongly it echoed backwards in time to inspire Paradise Lost, once Milton toned it down a little. If Brown tweeted "Just helpd some war orphans rebuild their village!!!!! Lol", Jenny Johnson would ask how many children he used as nails and call him a new epithet for diaper smegma.
Because he's more indignant than sorry. Brown publicly asks why he still catches criticism, and the answer is [see first clause of sentence]. Everyone deserves a second chance, but you don't get to set the terms when you ask forgiveness. Yet since 2009, the kid has sung in the key of bitch that the media's not forgiving him fast enough for his liking. When Oprah did a special on domestic violence that deliberately avoided him the way women should, he complained she should be doing more for him because he did her a solid once. Without a lick of self-awareness, he called it "a slap in my face." He was then slapped in the physical face in one of Jenny Johnson's erotic fantasies.
Bitches get switches.
Speaking of slapped faces, he responded to photos of Rihanna's by blaming the devil for blocking his destiny. There are hammerhead sharks more contrite than that. More recently, he proved to Good Morning America's Robin Roberts that he's no longer dangerous by hurling a chair through a window instead of hitting her. Guy--you beat a woman to a pulpy mess and got away with it. Just walk away. Don't make yourself out to be the victim. Own up or get your bitch card stamped. If you don't get the carrot of concerned advice, you deserve the stick of Jenny Johnson.
#2) Raz B is to music what Butters is to South Park Elementary. He's useless but chipper, so we all try not to be mean to his face. When 3LW kickstarted the phrase "Haters gonna hate," they muttered under their breath, "...just not Raz B."
Basically, he's Bizarro Jay-Z
So when Razzle Bazzle tweeted this--
He just shouted out to a fake Halle Berry account
--it was like a barely legal teen challenging Hugh Hefner's girlfriend to an orgasm-faking contest. There was no need for Brown to respond to a performer who forgets to renew his website domain, films music videos on VHS, and has plainly been editing his own Wikipedia entry: Raz has future plans to release his autobiography. Additionally, projects on the immediate horizon include television, film properties, charity ventures and several international ventures. This is someone who thinks the number "2000" makes a Twitter handle cutting edge. The man crowdsources his choreography for pete's sake, and say what you will about Chris Brown, the little shit can dance. By all measures, he should have just ignored the whole sad attempt, even though Raz was right that only stupid women deserve to get hit. Wait--what? NO!
Raz B sans glasses
A laugh is a low-pressure scream
Because he's a self-centered bully. This is a classic "remind Chris Brown that he hits women" play with a snazzy bid for attention stirred in. So what makes Chris Brown a pariah while the woman-smashing members of N.W.A. are now beloved Saturday morning cartoon characters? Well, it's complicated, but mostly because he made the mistake of beating a woman we all know and want to have sex with. The only natural antidote would be someone nobody knows or cares about calling him a brute. Sure, it's a private matter, and the victim seems to have forgiven him, but when even Raz B is unafraid to steal status from you, you need to ask whether you just don't get how the world works.
#3) Andy Levy is the second member of the Perpetual Chris Brown Taunters Club. He's sort of a "death by a thousand cuts" troller whose regular gig is an ombudsman slot on Red Eye--a show I haven't seen because I don't watch Fox News, even though I'm poor, white, and angry. All I know is he was on Veronica Mars, so I'm willing to hear his argument, which sticks to its core point: Chris Brown hits things--usually soft, curvy things. No matter what the singer tweets, Levy is there to craft its fearful symmetry. This has led him to duel with the man he so frequently paints as a frightening whirlwind of punchery. Here's a typical Levy burn:
I thought the hardest part about Chris Brown was his fists
After one of his milder Brown tweets provoked the singer's terrifying ire, Levy suffered the wrath of Team Breezy and the two counterarguments they devised ("U r gay n old").
That didn't stop Levy from poking fun at him some more. And some more. And Brown just. Keeps. Falling for it:
Gentlemen, please! Let's shake hands and agree that you're BOTH part of the problem
Making people fear things that will never affect them is about the only way Fox qualifies as a news channel, but Chris Brown's actions have broken the seventh seal to the scariest revelation of all: that Fox isn't always wrong.
Because he's making me side with Fox News, a network that does to journalism what Chris Brown did to Rihanna. Breezy, you just don't get how badly that hurts me. I mean--not as much as it hurt your girlfriend to take blows to the face and hear she'd get worse at home, but still.
#4) Eli Braden is something something comedian Howard Stern musician, but his real talent is hurting celebrities' feelings on Twitter. That's an exaggeration, of course. Most of the celebrities on Twitter can't feel emotions. And so Braden isn't emotionally invested in them either. This is just a job he does particularly well without personal grudge. If you're a celebrity, he exists to mock whatever you're famous for. If a deadly virus ever attacks the part of the brain responsible for overblown self-image, scientists will name it E. bradeni. Observe the pithy economy as he turns Brown's tweets into makeshift weapons.
I would also add that trying to catch a woman is creepy
If Raz B is Butters, Brown is Cartman, convinced that everyone who hates him is a jealous naysayer. Braden's finest moments are when he sparks the Hindenburg that is the singer's ego.
Duh. Six feet of earth.
A question to Brown's manager: have you considered redirecting your energies to a more likable client--perhaps a flesh-eating ghoul?
Because he thinks he can force good will into existence through sheer stubbornness even though his album sales dropped from 2 million to 341,000 after he bit his girlfriend. On Earth-2, Chris Brown is an upstanding guy charmingly embarrassed by all the acclaim he receives.
It's hard to tell which is the mirror universe Brown, since ours wears jumpsuits and has 1/2 goatee
But also on that terrible planet, Gaddafi is President of the United States of English America, and women who get beaten did something to deserve it. We're much better off here, unless we're a female in a car with Chris Brown. Speaking of which, if you're going to address the time you punched a woman and chucked her out of your vehicle, it had better be to apologize again, not share helpful tips on forgetting what you did. Take a lesson from Eli Braden, and just do the job. But Breezy doesn't, and that's how everyone knows he just doesn't get it.
#5) Danny Zuker is the producer of some great sitcoms and a lot of tweets much funnier than those sitcoms, because, standards & practices ruin everything. Making fun of Chris Brown and children are his two favorite hobbies, although children have been taught to explain what they've done wrong.
He went into comedy after Batman confiscated his umbrellas.*
*Ellas ellas, ay ay ay
Zuker is the most gleeful of Brown trolls, perpetually deflating Chris Brown's crush on Chris Brown. Every time Breezy tweets something, he sets himself up as the straight man in an old-school situational-comedy, like when one roommate is a fastidious snob and the other roommate bashes women's faces into windows.
Simplicity is often best
Because he still thinks he's awesome. Brown has 4.6 million Twitter followers. Just 200,000 more and he can win a presidential election in one of the countries that frowns on hitting women, or Afghanistan right now. Every time an adoring supporter tells him she'd love for him to beat her, it contributes to...to...Jesus Christ, humanity, what the hell is wrong with you? Defenders say, "He didn't hit her THAT badly," but striking a woman is a penny/pound proposition. The only heroes we accept that kind of behavior from are Ryu and Sean Connery. Wait--why do we accept that from Sean Connery? Fuck that old lady-beater. Daniel Craig was closer to Fleming's Bond.
And Ryu only hits women because they're in his way
Anyway, if you spent a thousand years patiently explaining to each member of Team Breezy why he's not worth their time and attention, you'd be older than planet Earth, and they'd still be typing in all-caps. With the whole world cheering him on, it's hard for a young man to remember how to fake humility. At some point, you have to clamp down on your ego or get a manager who will do it for you, but the only people qualified to keep a lid on Chris Brown already have much safer jobs taming lions, so he needs a personal jester to mock his flaws until he finally gets it. Danny Zuker takes up that bold challenge in the hope that maybe, just maybe, Brown will grow a sense of humor and stop attacking things.
#6) Rob Delaney is a comedian and actor best known for his work on
the short film Nature of the Beast Twitter. Being an alright fellow, he recoils from Brown's personality like one would upon encountering a cobra beating a lady-cobra.
Beat TO her, sure
Delaney tweets his best Brown-beat-baits to heal those who have been personally subjected to the entertainer: women, men who don't hate women, and bacteria that have made poor choices in life.
What is this love of which you speak, hu-man?
If you ever had to choose between exposing your brain to Scientology in Tampa Bay, getting within striking range of Chris Brown, or suffering a deadly lung disease, don't worry! Now you can have all three in one easy stop on Hell's border!
Still better than Orlando
Because he doesn't realize he can't win. The best possible outcome in his various Twitter arguments is that he successfully defends his position as a guy who used to beat women. What he ought to do is borrow some empathy from Delaney, and say "I'm relieved to apologize as many times as necessary."
#7) Chris Brown has no greater enemy on Twitter than himself, because no one loves Chris Brown more than Chris Brown chrisbrowns Chris Brown. But if there's one thing we know about Breezy, it's that he must destroy what he loves. His every pronouncement only makes him look more like a petulant bitch. And so, man doth destroy himself, but not in the usual fun way with beer.
Because he hit a woman, and he still does not get it. Every one of us has stuff we're not proud of, so it's better to help than judge. October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month, which makes October 27th a great day to celebrate Brownhog Day. Until we help him see his shadow, Chris Brown still won't get it, and we'll have six more weeks of violence. So send him a Tweet helpfully inquiring in polite terms what he's doing to earn that "bigger responsibility to show the world I can overcome this, be a better person, and that I'm worthy of being a role model." And if he still doesn't get it after that, it shall be the Jay-Z for him! Brendan McGinley would not provoke your swift justice, Hova.