15 Things Parents Should Know When Telling Drugs About Kids

Hey. Hey there, drugs. Sit down. Yeah, right there on the mirror is fine.

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No, you're not in trouble. We need to talk.

#15. Don't Tell My Kids About What We Do Here

WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHOA. Yeah.

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OK. Yeah! Where were we? Yeah!

Yeah!

Look, drugs, it's important to be open and honest about our need to keep secrets from my kids. They can never know what you and I do here. Never.

#14. I Love Them, I Love Them So Much

But it's more than love. There are just things you wouldn't understand, drugs. Things only a parent can know. Like you need words that don't exist to describe the sensation. Foozitance. It gives you a huge sense of foozitance.

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It's foozitance and love and even some scropularity. It's so much work, drugs, it's so much work. But the scropularity and lamf makes it all worth it.

#13. Open A Window

No, not because of the smell. But, yeah, the smell. No, mainly I don't like feeling penned in, is all.

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People got to be free. We've got these legs that were born to run and arms for whipping rocks at dukes. Windows are important.

Freedom.

#12. They're Going To Think I'm Such A Fuck-Up, Man

They're smart, kids; they're so smart. They don't know, like, book things yet, but they're always fucking learning like they can't even fucking turn it off.

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They're going to know something's wrong. They're going to find out what a loser their dad is, like everyone else has, and deny me loans, and judge my pants decisions, and then ... and then ...

And then ...

#11. Animal Crackers Aren't Even Fucking Crackers

WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHOA. Yeah.

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Seriously, drugs, Animal Crackers are like little cookies, you know? And half the time they don't even look like animals, because they've got their heads cut off or some shit. They should be called ... Terror Corpse Cookies.

HAHHAHAHHAHHAHHHAHHAHAHHAHAHHHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH

HAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHA

#10. My Parents Must Have Had This Talk With Their Drugs

Having a kid really puts a lot of your own life into perspective. It, like, dilates your inner eye. No, not the rectum. No, it just makes you see things. Like you finally see your parents not as parents but as fellow human beings and drug users.

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How much Valium did they have to take to tolerate this?

They must have had, like, this exact same talk with their drugs. I would have been out there, tear-assing around on my Big Wheel, and they'd be in the kitchen, talking to a big bag of Quaaludes or something. Big Wheels. Wheels. Circles. Circle of life.

Fuck.

#9. What Will Drugs Be Like When They're Grown-Ups?

I mean, will they be injecting it directly into their brains, or downloading it, or what? Or what, drugs?

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ANSWER ME.

No. No! My kids are too good for this. They're not going to be a catastrophe like their old man. Listen to me, drugs.

Listen to me.

If there was, like, an open market for dads, I wouldn't do well on it. I'd be, like, in the remainder bin at the end. Like the dollar CD bin for dads. Teens would buy me ironically just to make fun of me. I'd be the John Denver Christmas Album of dads.

I've got to clean myself up, drugs. I've got to be a better class of CD for my kids. I've got to be, like, the John Denver Greatest Hits Album of dads.

#8. I'd Like A Pony Too, Sometimes

WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHOA. Yeah.

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Seriously, I'd be fucking rad if I had a pony.

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Chris Bucholz

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