The film Ice Age had a production budget of 59 million dollars. A number of well-known geneticists are now seriously talking about being able to clone a mammoth, and any other creature that went extinct within the last 60,000 years, for as little as ten million dollars. That means the principle cast of Ice Age could have been live action for less than the film’s budget, and given Ray Romano one more reason to disappear entirely. Needless to say, I’m all for it.
But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. After all, there are still some obstacles standing between us and that long-imagined paradise where fleets of mammoths roam the plains and pull our mighty warships. Some of these obstacles are scientific in nature—like how to properly harness a swimming mammoth—and others are ethical, which is to say, religious people will probably get all pissy about it.
But to my mind, another, graver challenge has been presented to us: which animals to clone back into existence, and which to leave in their well-deserved graves. After all, at ten mil a pop, we can’t afford to revive ALL the species we humans may have “nudged” into extinction.
We’ll need to make our selections carefully, cloning only animals that will fit into a current ecological niche, can sustain themselves without human aid, and can be easily trained for circus performance. We have the power to retroactively decide which species live and which die. Think of it like a time-traveling Noah’s Ark, which, incidentally, is the premise of a screenplay I’ve been tinkering with (I’m talking to you, Soderbergh).
But by what rules can we decide which animals to un-kill? Clearly, “survival of the fittest” is out. When pandas, an animal that reproduces only once a year and subsists entirely on a plant that is low in 
nutrition and poisonous, can outlast the saber-tooth tiger, something has gone horribly awry. That something was us, letting the noble sabre-tooth slide into extinction while spending millions of dollars to protect the panda for the sole reason that we find them adorable and like to show them porno of themselves.
And now that we’ve put the evolutionary system so far out of whack, there’s no real way to even determine which species are fitter, short of pitting them all against each other in some kind of animal battle arena (I’m telling you Soderbergh, this script is gold).
It is for these reasons that I’ve developed a list of criteria I think should be used to determine which species we clone back into life. The criteria are based on the observation that the animals with the best survival rating are those who are somehow pleasant or useful to humans. Take a hint, California Condor.
Using these guidelines, I’ve selected the five animals we should start cloning right away. Take note, science.
Dodos: Dodos have the benefit of being the first extinct animal people think of after dinosaurs. That level of public consciousness is impressive. Sadly, their image is pretty irretrievably one of intense, unrelenting stupidity. If Dodos were alive again, I think we’d almost want them to go extinct if only to prove to ourselves that it was, in fact, their own idiocy that did them in the first time around. On the other hand, until the day the last one chokes to death on it’s own tongue, we’d have a viable alternative to Thanksgiving turkey.
Quagga: Not many people know the name “Quagga.” The last time I thought I heard someone say it it turned out she was choking on a bagel. But damn near everyone is familiar with what the Quagga look like, which is basically a half-zebra half-horse, or “Zorse.” I say bring ‘em on, if only because it would basically eliminate the need for zebras and horses. Replace them with the more efficient Zorse, give it a better name (I suggest “Hebra”), and you’re basically killing two birds with one stone. Except instead of birds, it’s horses and zebras, and instead of stones, it’s poison gas.
Irish Elk: There’s nothing that looks nicer over a fireplace than a rack of deer antlers. Well, imagine if that rack of antlers were twelve feet long. You’d have chicks naked on your bearskin rug, like, all the nights of the week. You’d be a party guy, for real. Of course there is the question of the threat these giant deer could pose to humans. Bambi’s mother may have gone down without a fight, but these guys are used to being kings of the forest, and might not take kindly to awakening to a world under new management. I say clone them, but only for the specific purpose of big game hunting. I don’t want to risk releasing them into the wild. And if environmentalists get all bent out of shape about it, just donate all the Irish Elk meat to an orphanage or something.
Megatherium: The Megatherium is a twenty-foot tall, five-ton sloth. I’m wary about cloning any giant creature, but the name “sloth” tends to put one at ease. Being associated with a deadly sin isn’t going to help its image, but its ability to sit upright and playfully stick out its long tongue just might. It’s also vegetarian, which limits our liability to being accidentally crushed or mistaken for shrubbery. But for the small price of a few (probably stupid) humans, we get back one of earth’s largest land mammals and enough meat to feed the poor of the world and still have some left over for sloth jerky.
Neanderthals: Dare we revive our own ancestors? The cloning of a Neanderthal could provide a window into the physiognomy, behavior, and thought processes of early man. On the other hand, they might want rights or some bullshit. I say clone them, but give them ivory tusks to help make it worth our while.
When not writing for Cracked, Michael is developing clone laser technology as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!
This entry was posted on Wednesday, November 26th, 2008 at 12:00 pm and is filed under Cloning, Extinct Animals, Mammoths, News, Science. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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November 18th, 2009 at 9:46 am
So I’m kinda diggin’ all the arguments going on in the comments but there is one thing I want to mention…
I know this is going to be a huge disappointment for everyone, but Swaim is not a scientist, nor does he have the funds/clearance/ability/anything needed to make actual decisions on which species to clone. It’s kind of stupid of them, but scientists usually don’t consult internet comedians before experiments.
Swaim writes for entertainment, which he does very well. If he went through all the pros and cons of every creature, the article would be all sorts of boring.
November 4th, 2009 at 3:45 pm
Actually, Neaderthal isn’t an ancestor. The evolved along side our ancestors, but were not ours. And that elk? Those antlers were the reason it went extinct. Too big for its environment, and predators hunted them down. Like us. Other things too, but we helped.
September 23rd, 2009 at 1:16 pm
Neanderthals!! I’d take them over any other creature, if it means Geico can’t use their stupid commercials anymore!
July 5th, 2009 at 4:38 pm
If we’re going to clone extinct animals, we might as well genetically engineer them while we’re at it. For instance, we give the dodo bird the ability to spit venom. That sumbitch is gonna need all the help it can get to survive.
July 5th, 2009 at 6:12 am
I say clone the giant eagle.
And the NZ Moa. Sure, the Moa can kill people but New Zealand’s only predators are cats, rats and dogs. No bears or snakes. Hell, it doesn’t even have poison oak or drop its temperature below zero in winter: You lose a scout in the woods, he walks out eventually.
April 30th, 2009 at 3:29 am
I’m glad bobby boy was able to make an acute observation. ‘u guys are all nerds’. Good on you Bobby. I’ll be sure to see that an award is sent to your house at once. One that you don’t have to think too much about, and has a nice rhythmic ticking… well, at least for a while anyhow.
April 26th, 2009 at 8:32 pm
To RD.
Being a vegetarian doesn’t make the sloth a pacifist, being 5 times the mass of anything that would want to prey on it kinda limits it’s need to actively kick ass though.
Also, I highly recommend cloning Necrolemur. Sure, it was a totally average tarsier (amazingly cute and tiny, and, um, Tarsier-like) but it’s name means Death Lemur, and that’s gotta count for something.
March 19th, 2009 at 1:47 pm
Seriously guys, put the fact checking (who fact checks a comedic article) aside and enjoy the show! Swaim, as always, freakin A.
Maybe do an article about people who fact check funny articles.
March 3rd, 2009 at 12:41 pm
RD We don’t know for sure that Neanderthals are a seperate species, or whether they bred into the species… Unless you have a time machine…
Anyways it is incredibly funny… XD
February 19th, 2009 at 10:18 am
You got quite a bunch of errors in there. You are saved only by the fact that this is comedy.
- About dodos, they weren’t stupid but incredibly social. Also, their meat was practically inedible.
- A stallion zebra + mare horse = zorse (horbra if the parents are reversed)
- Being a (mostly) vegetarian does not make the sloth a pacifist.
- Neanderthal wasn’t our ancestor, but a relative species derived from a common ancestor who lived alongside our own species
I like your articles, but you could have put a bit more effort to the facts here. Funny stuff though, if considering this is classic play with the outdated and/or typical misconceptions of these animals.
January 19th, 2009 at 4:00 pm
this is once again pretty funny stuff, though Im not sure about the zorse, that seems kinda weird.. but funny weird.
December 31st, 2008 at 4:01 am
[...] is natuurlijk wele dieren we dan willen weer tot leven wekken en welke niet. De volledige cast van Ice Age zou bijvoorbeeld geen probleem zijn. Maar willen we dat wel? Er zullen ongetwijfeld mensen zijn die [...]
December 30th, 2008 at 2:05 pm
u guys are all nerds
December 29th, 2008 at 11:01 am
Whoa, whoa whoa. I was fine until we got to the Neanderthals. Has anyone thought of the possible ramifications of reviving our once ancestors? What if holes are ripped in the fabric of space-time? What if a Shaw-Fujikawa type warp is opened up and we are all sucked in? That would be bad, and i would be sad =’(
December 9th, 2008 at 7:08 am
Kingmonkey–HILARIOUS!!
Thank you! Too bad that guy was such an idiot and couldnt see how he was being so species-ist against himself; seeing as he had that dead giveaway that Clara so astutely point out.
and SWAIM, AWESOME article! I practically busted a stitch over this. Made me think of Jurassic Park, except .. you know, not confined to a small, tropical island and other species, instead of dinosaurs.
Hysterical!
December 3rd, 2008 at 6:28 pm
[...] From Cracked: [...]
December 3rd, 2008 at 2:04 pm
“I myself know some people who have a vague resemblance to a Neanderthal. Some say they type only in capitals, for instance.”
Clara, I think I’m in love with you.
December 2nd, 2008 at 7:45 am
Who cares? There’re way too many rumors coming out each day. And most of them turn out to be untrue. I even start thinking if it is true that Charlie Sheen once found his love
on the celeb and millionaire daitng site
—-W e a l t h ys o u l M a t e .C O M —-
December 1st, 2008 at 8:15 pm
also, this was a pretty sweet article Swaim. I liked that you had the Irish elk and megatherium on there, although I would have liked to see the Microraptor gui, its a dinosaur that had feathers on its body, and all four limbs (representing the link between dinosaurs and birds)
December 1st, 2008 at 8:11 pm
Neanderthals are scientifically named Homo neanderthalensis and the shared character of all hominins, a group which we are in, is bipedalism, other than that there’s not much difference between us and the great apes, except that we have an evolved hyoid bone which allows us to speak and the development of speech is what increased our brain size through natural selection of hominins with larger brains.
If you want to get into it:
Homininae, or hominins are a monophyletic group comprising Homo sapiens and more than a dozen extinct, bipedal relatives. All of the species on the cladistic branch leading to contemporary humans are considered hominins. The fossil record of hominins can be organized into four groups of ancestors, the Australopithecus (small apes that were bipedal), Paranthropus (”beside human”, bipedal with huge ass jaws and a strong bite), Early Homo species which are in the genus Homo and called humans, and Recent Homo that date from 1.2 million years ago to the present and include Cro-Magnons and Neanderthal people.
Cro-Magnons were accomplished painters and carefully buried their dead, Neanderthals also made art and buried their dead in ceremonial fashion.
I’m a biology major, piss off.
December 1st, 2008 at 7:27 am
You dump him. You deserve anyone beter enough, here is one place for you,****** W e a l t h y s o u l M a t e .C O M ********** , where you can find celebrities and millionaires. Good luck.
November 30th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
I’m really glad Tanner Rollin did not feel the need to comment further. It really would have downgraded the integrity of this article as a whole. Just from his comment. Really, his original comment pretty much made me hate life anyway. Congrats Tanner (Douche bag) Rollin.
November 29th, 2008 at 9:57 am
Swaim, although I appreciate your enthusiasm for the concept and understand this article was written for comedic effect, I think Michael Crichton(R.I.P.) has already pointed out why this may not be such a great idea.
Given that he was smarter than any one here, including Wong (yup I said it… smarter than Wong), we should scrap this idea and clone Mr. Crichton instead.
November 29th, 2008 at 4:46 am
Swaim, you’re really channelling some of that DOB persona in Irish Elk entry (fitting, I guess).
November 29th, 2008 at 2:12 am
I think we should bring back Neanderthals, just to piss off the religious right.
November 28th, 2008 at 9:28 pm
Hey Tanner Rollin!
You’re gay
November 28th, 2008 at 12:54 pm
since humans are part of the natural enviroment, (even though they would like to believe, because of technology they are not). I beleive, that it is part of the evolution of the planet for us us to do what we have done and that any changes humans make is also part of the natural enviroment. It is all evolution. Even creating laws limiting cloning, and “moral” opinion, etc… may be part of the evolution of the planet.
It will play itself out, it may have, and probably has played itself out uncountable times in our universe over the millenium.
The nature of the universe we inhabit is chaos through creation and destruction. All thing in our universe are subject to this law and none can escape.
So play your part, be it tree hugger or resource exploiter, and enjoy the drama.
November 28th, 2008 at 12:46 pm
Neanderthals aren’t our ancestors.
Neanderthals aren’t our ancestors.
Neanderthals aren’t our ancestors.
Neanderthals aren’t our ancestors.
Neanderthals aren’t our ancestors.
Neanderthals aren’t our ancestors.
Neanderthals aren’t our ancestors.
Neanderthals aren’t our ancestors.
Neanderthals aren’t our ancestors.
Neanderthals aren’t our ancestors.
You guys realize you’re pointing out paleontological flaws in a comedy article. Did any of you ever stop to point out biological impossibilities in Star Wars?
On second thought… don’t answer that.
I’m with you MJ-89. (Literally! I’m standing right behind you as you read this.)
November 28th, 2008 at 9:01 am
Cloning living creatures, animals and even humans is a questionable process, both legally and perhaps morally. Reviving the past, so to speak would be even more questionable. What if there is a reason for them to be extinct? Bringing them back to life is like a time machine to our planet’s past. What if they change the path of future evolution and affect our current evolutionary path? Every living thing on our planet belong to a system that must jive together.
November 28th, 2008 at 8:27 am
In response to LikeTurkeyButBetter; It’s a common thought that sailors ate all the dodos, however, it’s wrong. Dodos didn’t taste that nice, so sailors, etc, introduced pigs and other animals. The pigs ate the dodo eggs and competed for the same food that the dodos ate.
November 28th, 2008 at 7:50 am
Dodos went extinct because they had no predators on the little island they were living on, and therefore had no need for evasion skills. So, when a bunch of Portugese sailors (yes, I’m blaming the Portugese) showed up on the island, the dodos just looked at them all, “Hey, what’s up, funny-looking giant thing? Can I interest you in any food? Say… my meaty rump?” Then, being sailors, (and now I’m blaming sailors), they ate ALL of them. Moderation, you say? Eat some and leave more to eat later, you say? Pfft. Again, sailors. Hello? So, anyway, the species is gone now, apparently dying of sheer deliciousness.
On the positive side, every single report of the dodo that made it onto paper contained notes of their tastiness, so cloning them would turn every Thanksgiving into a short trip down to Kentucky Fried Dodo.
November 28th, 2008 at 7:02 am
chill out tanner i think it was a sick article but I recon we use Neanderthals as slaves that shit is seriously effecient. But seriously great article I hope that happens but I think the dodo is a waste of time and everyone would much rather a sabertooth.
November 28th, 2008 at 7:00 am
Agreed with Professor. Of course, those who frequent Digg (I’m thinking all of you) know that scientists think they couldn’t handle the heat. Literally.
November 28th, 2008 at 6:04 am
[...] Is Only For Ugly Animals Stumbled upon at Digg… enjoy. Extinction Is Only For Ugly Animals | Cracked.com __________________ Business Forums - Sport Forums - Travel [...]
November 28th, 2008 at 5:57 am
Jesus Christ, Tanner Rollin. Anal fuck. Get a sense of humour.
November 28th, 2008 at 5:46 am
Neanderthals weren’t our ancesors. They were a competing species that died out (for reasons unknown).
November 28th, 2008 at 5:38 am
Ray Romano was the star of one of the best sitcoms of all time. Back off.
And your whole thing about live-action-smaller-budget BS: I understand your point but that was a horrible way to make it. 59 million dollars can’t get you the principal characters and the training and food required for them to act out their parts. Plus, didn’t they have some little kid with them? You wanna volunteer your GD kid for that role?
I’ve only read that first paragraph so far. I’ll comment further if I feel the need.
November 27th, 2008 at 11:29 pm
Neanderthals already exist.
I saw it in that reality show that followed a bunch of those guys around in their day to day life…
…what?…
… that was a sitcom?…
…are you sure?
November 27th, 2008 at 10:42 pm
Damnit Michael, Neanderthals are not our ancestors!
I just wanted to make that clear since nobody else has mentioned it yet O_O
November 27th, 2008 at 10:39 pm
I want to clone a neanderthal just to see what things are so easy that even they can do it.
November 27th, 2008 at 10:24 pm
neanderthals and human breed with each other, which is why they died out, so we have a little bit of neanderthal in all of us
November 27th, 2008 at 6:57 pm
Actually I’m pretty sure Neanderthals were our close relatives, not ancestors. But I might be wrong. Great article though. I’m all for some delicious sloth jerky. I can almost taste it.
November 27th, 2008 at 6:18 pm
Archaon6044 you’re confusing the sabretooth tiger with god. oh
November 27th, 2008 at 5:32 pm
Neanderthals aren’t our ancestors, they’re more like distant cousins: we have a common ancestor from which we diverged.
November 27th, 2008 at 4:56 pm
Haha, its been a long time since I’ve heard a good Quaggo joke Swaim, and you have yet to disapoint.
FYI, some scientists think that Megatherium actually used its massive claws to flip over giant armadillos and gore them. But just think how awesome it would be to clone a giant killer sloth.
November 27th, 2008 at 4:08 pm
“Principal” is a noun and adjective referring to someone or something which is highest in rank or importance.
“Principle” is only a noun, and has to do with law or doctrine.
It’s not that hard.
November 27th, 2008 at 3:21 pm
great article on ya. not so sure neanderthals are extinct though.
you all know what I’m talking about.
November 27th, 2008 at 3:07 pm
that Quagga looks like an okapi with the colors reversed http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Okapi
and if yo want a “Zorse” you can just put a hot horse-babe in a cage with a zebra-male.
apparently zebras donkeys and horses can still make babies together
November 27th, 2008 at 12:51 pm
neanderthals are’t our ancestors…really…you can see them everyday on the streets.
November 27th, 2008 at 12:25 pm
@Tartra
because they never actually existed. is was a mistake some paeliantologist made back in the stupid ages, that caught the publics’ imagination
i reckon we should consider neanderthals as viable alternatives to monkey servants
November 27th, 2008 at 12:25 pm
MPS spells like his brother is his father… go die in a fire idiot.
November 27th, 2008 at 12:18 pm
Neaderthals are not ancestors of humans. Homo sapiens evolved from an ancestor in common with them, but we in no way evolved from them. They are no more our ancestors than one’s bother is one’s father… though that example might not work in your case.
November 27th, 2008 at 12:16 pm
… maybe the Neanderthals can take care of our Ray Romano problem!
November 27th, 2008 at 12:15 pm
Neanderthals may or may not be your ancestors. There is a chance that they interbred with Homo Sapiens… but only with a tiny population in Europe. Sort of unlikely: that same European population of early humans killed the crap out of them. Whether they were massacred or just outmaneuvered, they died because of our ancestors … so there may be some justice in bringing them back. It’s clearly a fight we can win, so what’s the harm? Come on science! It’ll be fun!
November 27th, 2008 at 11:48 am
Giant pet sloths ftw.
November 27th, 2008 at 11:27 am
@Weeber
That was… so mean…
I liked it, Swaim. But after mentioning saber-tooth tigers so many times, WHY WEREN’T THEY ON THE LIST?
November 27th, 2008 at 11:02 am
Worst article in a while on cracked. Not what we’re used to get from you Swaim.
November 27th, 2008 at 10:28 am
I say we should clone some animal big anough to be hunted with RPGs and recoiless rifles. We could launch them into the savanna, mount some APC’s and kill em with grenade launchers. The locals would have an alredy cooked meal too.
November 27th, 2008 at 10:18 am
Neanderthals were not human ancestors. They existed at the same time as humans… And went extinct.
November 27th, 2008 at 9:33 am
Seriously, Neanderthals were not our ancestors - just a different branch of homonids.
Mind you there is some evidence (weak, weak evidence) that they have interbred. So your ancestors may after all include the odd Neanderthal.
November 27th, 2008 at 9:27 am
Do you read Jasper Fforde, by any chance Mssr Swaim?
November 27th, 2008 at 9:24 am
I think we should bring back a few species of dinosaurs so we can make dinosaur bacon. In fact make a whole chain of restraunts that serve nothing but dinosaur bacon. Kind of like KFC but only with dinosaurs.
November 27th, 2008 at 8:42 am
For your information, glendoor42, it wasn’t a game of poker; it was a high-stakes round of go fish.
November 27th, 2008 at 8:38 am
@ Ragnar: Everybody Kills Raymond. i want to see if that makes 9 seasons (9! why?)
great article Swaim - but would Soderburgh be up for a movie like that - I’m thinking its more of a Brett Ratner project (god damn that guy’s a hack)
November 27th, 2008 at 8:16 am
Swaim, you’re still my favorite ^.^
@ Ramen King- perhaps Jenny means fat chicks eat assholes to survive? I personally don’t eat asshole myself, but I am a fat chick..
November 27th, 2008 at 7:45 am
“You’re basically killing two birds with one stone. Except instead of birds, it’s horses and zebras, and instead of stones, it’s poison gas.”
You’re a sick, sick man, Michael Swaim… and I love you for it.
On a more serious note we should probably try to prevent the deaths of all the current animals we’re rapidly causing the extinction of before we start re-creating new ones. (Note: I am not talking about Pandas, they had their chance)
@Kingmoney. I respect you and your Grammar Nazi-esque ways. However, if anybody asks I think you’re real crap.
November 27th, 2008 at 7:39 am
JESUS DIED FOR YOUR SINS, SWAIM! YOU WILL BURN IN HELL FOR THIS!
(Still a pretty damn good article.)
November 27th, 2008 at 7:19 am
We should clone the “moa”.
A massive chicken taller then man, which use to roam New Zealand. They were extinct after all the maories slaughtered them and ate their gigantic drumsticks and wings.
November 27th, 2008 at 7:15 am
Can’t we just use the money to hire an assassin to off Ray Romano, then clone him just to kill him again. It would make a great tv show.
November 27th, 2008 at 7:01 am
TommyKay, dvilla wasn’t talking about the sloths that are around today. They obviously can’t move fast because they never do. The Giant Sloths could probably run down someone’s sorry ass if they wanted to, is what they were saying.
November 27th, 2008 at 6:54 am
don’t you mess with ray romano
November 27th, 2008 at 6:13 am
Megatherium would be rather dangerous actually. They may be herbivores, but they were quite capable of defending themselves, and they moved a bit faster than the sloths we know today. And while they may not have cheetah-like speeds, you gotta think, something that big is going to have one helluva stride, so it’ll catch and tear your ass to pieces and then walk away to eat a tree.
November 27th, 2008 at 5:48 am
Neanderthals are not “our own ancestors”…
November 27th, 2008 at 5:26 am
So, what you’re saying, dvilla, is that the sloth is slow when running from predators (or avoiding them in any other way, like by oh-so-realistically playing dead), but picks up some real speed when it needs to kick some ass, herbivore style? Are you suggesting that the species of animal we commonly associate with oh-my-fucking-god-could-you-be-any-slower-ness is actually capable of speeds that, when scaled up to human size, would make people the slow ones in comparison?
November 27th, 2008 at 5:13 am
Yes to sloths.
No to Neanderthals. The horror of a new series of Geico commerical tie-ins is far too probable.
Sloths win, period. Maybe we could give them the saber-tooth cat’s teeth and stage arena battles?
Just wait a few years (OK, a decade or more), and we’ll be building animals like kids playing with legos. I believe that the Spore Creature Creator is just kind of a beta test for the system.
Who knows when having a purple herbivore with spikes on its ass and poison shooting from its bowels will come in handy? Especially when it can dance and amuse people for 3 minutes before they get bored and do something else.
November 27th, 2008 at 5:03 am
*Thinks of “Cavemen”*
I wonder just how intelligent neanderthals were.
November 27th, 2008 at 4:53 am
90% of all species that have existed since the beginning of time are now extinct. And that has nothing to do with humans, its just how nature works.
November 27th, 2008 at 3:47 am
Jenny, that rebuttal made no sense. likeitloveitgottahaveit obviously dislikes fat chicks, so if he wants them to be extinct “Assholes like you” is implying the opposite, as you’re suggesting that he is the cause for their prosperity. Frankly, he seems to be doing everything in his power against that movement.
November 27th, 2008 at 3:28 am
Dodo’s taste very very very bad. It is all written down by people how ate them to death.
November 27th, 2008 at 3:22 am
For all of you who keep mentioning how slow the sloth would be, I’m sorry to inform you that sloths only move slowly to avoid predators. A 20 foot tall sloth would be quite capable of running down your sorry ass.
November 27th, 2008 at 3:12 am
If the neanderthals are not people and therefore exempt from human rights, then they could put an end to the illegal sex trade all around the world. Pay a small fee, have your way with a neanderthal, anything goes. The younger the pricier.
Oh wait, nevermind. I forgot about the whole beastiality thing. kindly dis-regard this comment.
November 27th, 2008 at 2:58 am
But, Neanderthals are not our ancestors.. They evolved separately and co-existed with early homo sapiens. We did not evolve from Neanderthals, both we and Neanderthals evolved from a common ancestor. Thus we would be reviving our bigger, stronger, more brutish distant relative and foremost rival. If they were to get a hold of matches and some sort of computerizen speach aid, we would be history in no time.
November 27th, 2008 at 2:24 am
AHHHHHHHH SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLEEE!!!
Sorry, I couldnt help it.
November 27th, 2008 at 1:33 am
Because of assholes like you.
November 27th, 2008 at 1:23 am
Why aren’t fat chicks extinct?
November 27th, 2008 at 12:54 am
I wholeheartedly support the neanderthal cloning movement. Make an artificial island (Dubai style) stick a few thousand neanderthals on it, send over like, 20 marines or something with tons of ammo/supplies Alien Vs Predator style. Video it all and make it the new reality show. “The Most Dangerous Game of All” or something. Shits over “The Deadliest Catch”.
November 27th, 2008 at 12:30 am
Wait, so if we’re part of the evolutionary system, how exactly did we disrupt it? What, was it an inside job? Either you make no sense, Swaim, or the scientists don’t. I’m leaning toward the scientists. I’m pretty sure half of them don’t even believe what they’re saying when they come up with these shennanigans.
Also, why is it called the Quagga? Zorse is much morefun to say.
November 27th, 2008 at 12:20 am
You do realize that a megatherium was actually capable of taking a saber-tooth tiger in a straight up face-to-face fight right.
November 26th, 2008 at 11:58 pm
Yeah, but they taste like chicken, KFC chicken as a matter of fact.
November 26th, 2008 at 11:49 pm
you know sloths have fungi and bacteria in their coats, right? cute, slow, all slothy and stuff, but fungi, man. sounds like no biggie til your toenail falls off, then grows back all yellow and thick and it costs like $2,000 per year for the meds, but those meds cause kidney and liver damage, and you kid has to have a nephronectomy. fuck sloths, man. fuck sloths.
November 26th, 2008 at 11:46 pm
Is Wrench mad because you got the wrong species of early man, or is he just one of those pissy religious types that think humans were created 5000 years ago? Also, fuck pandas.
November 26th, 2008 at 11:08 pm
By all accounts, dodos tasted like shit. Megatherium, on the other hand tasted like chicken. I’m not sure about Neaderthals, probably tasted like soylent green. That would be my guess.
and don’t let kingmonkey lie to you, he lost the +1 in a poker game.
November 26th, 2008 at 8:43 pm
Oh.
Anyways, good article.
November 26th, 2008 at 7:45 pm
Oh, Frank “the Monkey” Wrench, +1 is so two months ago. Get with the times, man.
November 26th, 2008 at 6:19 pm
Actually, Science is already attempting to re-introduce the quagga. Google “The Quagga Project” if you’re interested. They’re trying to bring it back through selective breeding of appropriately-striped zebra in the Cape Town/Western Cape area. A few of the proto-quaggas live up on the side of Devil’s Peak, right next to one of the major routes into the city. Or they used to, anyway. I haven’t seen them lately. Perhaps living near a highway is not a key strategy in achieving longevity.
November 26th, 2008 at 5:38 pm
Also, since when did you drop the +1?
November 26th, 2008 at 5:37 pm
Don’t they both work?
November 26th, 2008 at 4:58 pm
You see, Frank “the Crescent” Wrench, here we see one of the failings of using “fucking” as an adjective. Your sentence could easily be read as:
“We did not evolve from [having sex with] neanderthals”
Please rephrase to use “fucking” as an adverb, thus:
“We did not fucking evolve from neanderthals”
November 26th, 2008 at 4:51 pm
maybe not frank, maybe they are just our cousins. nonetheless, shouldn’t we at least give them a chance in the modern world they failed to make it to due to their inferiority?
besides, international laws of human rights only applied to homo sapiens, not homo neanderthals.
“Pass the neanderthal steak would you, dear?”
also, pets. or slaves, if that’s what you’re into.
November 26th, 2008 at 4:47 pm
We don’t know for sure whether they are part of our ancestry. There isn’t a definite answer but they most likely interbred: http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2007/08/070802-neanderthals.html
Just an example of many articles. I myself know some people who have a vague resemblance to a Neanderthal. Some say they type only in capitals, for instance.
November 26th, 2008 at 4:39 pm
I know it was just a typo, but extonct is the best word I’ve read today, Ariel.
Swaim, I say resurrecting extonct animals is a waste of money, when the funds allocated could have instead been used to develop the means to genetically splice people with animal traits (the aim of which being to grant super powers).
November 26th, 2008 at 4:26 pm
WE DIDN’T EVOLVE FROM FUCKING NEANDERTHALS
November 26th, 2008 at 3:57 pm
*mammoth drawn…. although a mammoth engine would be cool
November 26th, 2008 at 3:45 pm
oh yeah…. Swaim, you magnificent bastard, you have a small cult following in Portugal. Its just two people for now (that i know of), but soon our numbers will grow and we’ll start our own religon… Swaimology… and then later on… our own country Swaimaria. Then a big army, with mutants and mammoth driven warships. It shall be glorious, Emperor King Ruler Swaim
(yeah, you like that? Emperor King Ruler… we could work a Master in there somewhere too)
November 26th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
hehe… Homo…
November 26th, 2008 at 3:30 pm
Nice!! What about those chicken-dinos, just for laughs!
November 26th, 2008 at 3:05 pm
Homo Neanderthal isn’t one of our ancestors according to the modern theory of evolution but is rather a “cousin species” of hominid.
November 26th, 2008 at 2:09 pm
Dude, GREAT article, but you forgot the Tasmanian Tiger, best fucking extonct animal EVER, (not really, but im trying to sell here) They’re like a wolf and a tiger COMBINED. Also, I am definitly wanting in on that movie idea shit.
November 26th, 2008 at 1:52 pm
Liam Neeson would be right on as Noah. I like the way you think. This was funny as hell. Yay Science!
Maybe it’s just because I’m falling in love with you, but your writing seems to get better with every post…
November 26th, 2008 at 1:12 pm
I whole heartedly support cloning a neandrathal. I’d imagine that they would be ALOT like modern man, so much so that, raised in modern society, could very well fit in and no one would know.
Or they could go ape shit wild. Either way it would be awesome.
November 26th, 2008 at 1:07 pm
Ok, well the Megatherium scared the pants off of me until I realized that I could probably outrun it. Or at least out-drive it. Plus, since it’s a sloth, I doubt it’s gonna get real motivated to chase anyone anyway.
November 26th, 2008 at 12:20 pm
Forget Soderbergh, call the folks who make Sci Fi Channel original movies, they’d be all over that shit.