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Environmentalists: Just as Full of Bullshit as Everyone Else

I have enough guilt complexes to occasionally consider giving up meat, dumping a wad of cash on an electric car or stop burning piles of leaves and old tires in my yard. It's called being a good person. Or at least considering it.

But I've got to say, for the most part, environmentalist groups piss me off just as much as any other extremist organization. Actually, they probably piss me off even more, if only because I generally agree with their precepts ("the Earth is cool"), so seeing them bend sane discourse over a barrel of hydroponically-grown wheat germ makes me feel like going out and punching a cow in the head on principle.

Yes, they stand for some good things, but no one can listen to the same yammered proselytizing equating chicken processing to the Holocaust for too long without it losing all impact other than to fill you with the urge to strangle whoever’s doing it just to stop the ceaseless, ceaseless noise. It’s the same reason the Christian kids in school who gave you long lectures on why you were going to Hell had no friends. And made you want to strangle them.

But you, the intelligent CRACKED reader, demand more than spewed bile; you demand evidence. Read on, and prepare to hate all those people who you’ve come to think of as better than you.

First off, remember that whale thing I blogged about a while ago? The Japanese agreed not to go Ahab on some Humpbacks, and we all breathed a collective sigh of relief then went back to our Jr. Bacon Cheeseburgers.

Well, Greenpeace wasn’t willing to drop the issue quite so easily, and have in fact been following the Japanese fishing boat around in their own boat, which we must assume is a giant floating pita pocket.

Subsisting on a diet of falafel and self-importance, these brave men and women have devotedly tracked down the Japanese, setting up webcams and continuously blogging about their nefarious plans to kill overly abundant whales.

That’s right; setting aside the Humpback issue, the Japanese are now planning to kill 935 Minke whales and 50 Finbacks, neither of which are endangered and which are in fact depleting fish stocks. Despite it all, Greenpeace members say they are willing to “get between harpoons and whales if necessary.”

The harpoons the Japanese use are tipped with explosives, so no matter what the ultimate outcome of this whole thing is, there’s a good chance it’s going to spawn some entertaining Youtube clips. Ross?

Next, Friends of Earth International (the plucky, up-and-coming environmentalist group) is protesting a European study proclaiming cloned food “relatively safe.” The study found that even though cloned animals are more prone to disease, the diseased animals are culled and therefore the final product is as safe to eat as a conventionally bred animal. To which an environmentalist leader replied:

“They clearly acknowledge that these animals have more diseases …And then they go on to conclude that meat and products from cloned animal products are O.K. for Europeans to eat. It makes no sense.”

Actually, it makes perfect sense, and if you don’t see why, reread the sentence above that quote. So shut up and get away from my cloned pate de fois gras. It’s the first step towards having a clone of my own to harvest organs from, and I’ll be damned if you’re going to keep me from him (his name will be CLONE 1-A. I don’t want to get too attached).

Finally, PETA, the environmentalist group most responsible for making environmentalist groups utterly unbearable, has done something utterly unbearable.

In a display of what I’m sure they believe is sly brilliance, they had a “memorial stone” erected near the grave of Colonel Sanders, the KFC guy, in a Kentucky cemetery. The stone’s inscription, a rambling epic poem about chickens and their love for being flash fried in hot grease, was written in such a way that the first letters of each line spell out the phrase “KFC tortures chickens.”

Great. Hilarious. That’s totally going to convince the kids to plant a tree on Arbor Day and the parents to trade in the SUV for a Prius. Jesus Christ PETA, you’re becoming Chris Hitchins. And you know who likes Chris Hitchens? No, not atheists. Atheist morons.

Go stand in front of a bulldozer or, failing that, an explosive harpoon.


Besides blogging for CRACKED, Michael also makes hate-filled videos as writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!

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