The Week in Whales! (Next Week: The Week in Wales!)
In the wake of The Daily Show and Colbert Report leaving the air, I understand many of you have turned to the CRACKED Blog as your primary source of current, gripping, relevant news. In order to punish that impulse, I present the following reports on what’s been going on with whales lately.
And what have those mammoth maritime mammals been up to? Not getting killed by the Japanese, for one. Defecating in our oceans for two. But let’s go back to the other story for now (For more on the whale poo issue, see my article in December’s National Geographic Magazine entitled “Destination Defecation, Population: Poop”).
Due to international pressures, the Japanese have agreed to forestall the planned killing of fifty endangered Humpback whales, but are going through with the slaughter of over a thousand other, more plentiful whales.
And believe it or not, the whales are NOT for scarfing; no, they have giant squid brains for that. The Japanese research institute backing the voyage claims the whales are “vital to [their] research [on making a whale-human hybrid capable of wading ashore U.S. beaches and devouring surfers and sunners by the maw-ful].”
So who’s the hero here? The International Whale Council, which finally convinced Japan to leave the Humpbacks to their humpbacking. For the sake of our collective joy, I encourage all of you to imagine that the IWC is a governmental body whose members are whales. Other little-known government bodies dedicated to preserving our sea life?
In other whale-related news, recent fossil evidence suggests that the modern whale is not descended from the Hippo, as has been assumed, but rather from Indohyus, an extinct deer-like creature the size of a raccoon:
In other words, whales got faaaaaaat.
December 26th, 2007 at 11:25 am
I spent a week in Wales once, if you’re Scottish you’re their best friend.
If you’re English they set fire to your house.
December 26th, 2007 at 1:42 pm
First they keep us from hunting the humpbacks. Soon the humpbacks will begin to hunt us…
December 26th, 2007 at 4:30 pm
Whales are not “faaaaaaat” Swaim. They are big boned goddammit, big boned , yeah, big boned.
December 26th, 2007 at 5:33 pm
I didn’t know that people in Wales would be your best friend if you were Scottish. I’m Scottish, and like every other non-Welsh person in the UK, we take the piss out of Wales - and quite rightly so.
Anyway, back to the whales…maybe Japan is keeping those whales alive so they can stop the Earth being destroyed in the future, like in that Star Trek movie?
December 26th, 2007 at 5:47 pm
I like the Welsh, i find them non-offensive. And it was a giant Welsh guy who told me about firebombing English beach houses. And I am Scottish too.
Oh and yes, the whale things. I’d like to throw in a Godzilla joke, even though it’s been beaten into the ground.
I’d pay to see a giant whale-man fight Godzilla in downtown Tokyo.
December 26th, 2007 at 6:22 pm
My only impression of anyone from Wales is Roger Water’s Radio K.A.O.S., in which a crippled genius Welsh boy hacks into NORAD and destroys the earth. So, fuck the Welsh. Also, Radio K.A.O.S. is awesome; easily as good as The Wall. Go listen to it now.
December 26th, 2007 at 7:01 pm
Radio Kaos was good and the Wall was great, but the Final Cut is better than both.
December 26th, 2007 at 8:22 pm
Uh-Ohs. I’ll go download it presently.
December 27th, 2007 at 7:45 am
I’m still orgasming over Animals.
Not literally.
God that sounded so wrong.
December 27th, 2007 at 10:13 am
Well you know what they say about Scotsman and their sheep.
December 27th, 2007 at 10:34 am
I’m a cityboy, but man I have heard some wierd stories.
Especially if you take trains to the really far flung places.
December 27th, 2007 at 2:20 pm
“For the sake of our collective joy, I encourage all of you to imagine that the IWC is a governmental body whose members are whales.”
This made me laugh so hard I actually woke my daugther up last night.
December 27th, 2007 at 3:24 pm
I had just always heard that Scotsman and their sheep would pay to watch a giant whale-man fight Godzilla .What stories have you heard Ross?
You know I’m kidding, right?
December 27th, 2007 at 6:51 pm
I’m gonna have to say I wouldn’t mind if the hunted those narwhal whales ’cause the freak the shit out of me. What’s with the horn? Although I guess they could seem kinda WILFy to some.
December 27th, 2007 at 7:45 pm
It’s not a horn it’s a MODIFIED TOOTH! How many times do we need to go over this?!
Also, Jason, THANKS! That was my favorite part of the post.
December 27th, 2007 at 10:19 pm
Well I would think that at some point a modifed tooth, that sticks out of your head and can be up to 3 meters long, would become a horn or at least a tusk.
December 28th, 2007 at 5:37 am
Glendoor42.
There’s an old story going around that a train was passing through some blank piece of countryside, when, quite visibly seen from the train windows, there was a man in a field rear-ending a sheep.
The fact that it was in broad daylight makes it seem the poor guy just couldn’t control himself.
December 28th, 2007 at 8:48 am
Well maybe he just didn’t care because true love knows no bounds.
December 28th, 2007 at 9:15 am
Awww
January 1st, 2008 at 1:15 am
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!! AND WAR… DAMN….EAGLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
January 1st, 2008 at 11:21 am
I’m from Wales, and it’s not only the Scottish we like, but the Irish too! But yeah, if you’re English and you hang around Wales then you can expect someone with a damn near impenetrable accent to throw a petrol bomb through your window while shouting ‘you fucking English poof’. And for my entire nation, I apologise
February 6th, 2008 at 10:48 am
Halo 2 for Windows Vista download…
yes indeed……
February 13th, 2008 at 9:45 am
Celebrate the Chinese Zodiac Year of the Indohuys, or the Indohyus will eat your head. http://www.indohyus.com