8 Inexcusable Behaviors on Public Transportation: Part 2
Last week I wrote a column about the worst behaviors on public transportation, and I'll be the first to admit it was not a complete list. But aside from leaving myself room for a possible sequel, I also thought it would be fun for the readers to vent their pet peeves in the comments, and many did. Some of the suggestions, however, about things I "forgot" to include were a bit surprising. I didn't "forget" to include people who take a dump right on a subway platform or publicly vomit. I think we can all agree that's disgusting. I'm also pretty sure that the vagrant crapping himself knows he's not supposed to do that. I'm looking more for the things that lots of people do either because they're clueless or indifferent to just how unacceptable their behavior is.
So yeah, in 1993 psychopath Colin Ferguson killed 6 and wounded 19 on the Long Island Rail Road by opening fire with a semi-automatic weapon. He's not on the list. Neither is Mussolini even though I'm pretty sure he had something to do with trains. And yes we all hate it when train conductors use needle-nose pliers to remove pieces of our small intestines (especially during rush hour) but it's just not the kind of stuff I'm going for here. So behold a gallery of less obvious, but still infuriating, public transportation transgressors.
#8.
The Backpackers
Many of you suggested people who wear their backpacks on the bus and subway, and I'd have to agree. Backpacks take up the space of two people and during rush hour every inch of the subway car is valuable real estate. And yet, I've seen tons of seemingly normal passengers completely oblivious to the carnage they're causing to others by their subtle movements from right to left. And even if they're standing still, that still doesn't solve the problem. Wearing your backpack on a subway is like going to a Nickelback concert: it doesn't matter how you behave, once you've made that decision, you're already an ass.
Etiquette dictates that you take it off and hold it down by your feet where there's more room and where it's less likely to nudge. And if not, then I'm sorry to inform you that New York City Ordinance 4.031 now allows passengers assaulted by backpacks to place no fewer than three live scorpions in the offender's backpack while said backpacker obliviously plays with his iPhone or strokes his hipster moustache.
And trust me, you'll never get the smell of 80s has-beens out of your backpack.
#7.
The Nail Clippers
I confess. I've done this. I've been late to work and thrown a clipper in my pocket as I headed out for the train and then discreetly trimmed my nails. I mean, what's so gross about nails? You wouldn't freak out if I scratched your back. Well, I mean you might if you didn't ask me to and I just showed up behind you, suddenly running my masculine blogger's hands up and down your shoulder blades until I reached the small of your back. Sorry, I lost myself for a second, but it's only because you're so damn hot, you itchy little vixen.
The point is, nails only seem to be gross when they're separated from the rest of the body. To my mind, if you clip them unceremoniously in your lap and make a small pile that you take with you, it's a victimless crime. But if you overtly go SNAP, SNAP, SNAP, throwing caution and nails to the wind, well then I can't help you. That's just kinda gross. Grosser still? Toenails. I kid you not. Just last week some Jamaican lady started hacking away in the next row (while talking on her cellphone no less). Know what I did? Got vaguely nauseated and didn't think about it again until I dredged up these nightmares for you. Thanks a lot, jackass.
There. Now we're even.
#6.
The Pungent Food Eaters
Much like toenail cutting, I don't have a hard and fast line about eating on a train. You have to understand some rides are over an hour long. Some people are getting off of work and may have skipped lunch. Also, most metropolitan train stations I've seen offer a lot of food and no seating. It's not insane to bring a slice of pizza, sandwich, or Big Mac on a train, but use your discretion people. All food is not created equal, especially when you're going to be ingesting it in an enclosed space for a certain period of time.
Judges? No, I'm sorry. This is not appropriate train food. We were looking for "an apple." Yes, "an apple."
So an egg salad sandwich? No. Lamb Vindaloo? No. Curried Onion Fart Blasts? No. It's not rocket science. Nothing that can be smelled by anyone more than a row away. And if you're eating on public transportation we're assuming it's because you're ravenous so suck it down and move on. No luxurious consumption. Remember, the longer you leave it exposed to subway air, the higher the odds that you'll be sprinkling it with rat feces molecules or flying Jamaican toenails.
#5.
The Me-First Taxi Sharers
In big cities it's usually yellow cabs with one fare per customer. But in smaller cities and towns, it's not unusual for taxis to take several people in one cab, charging 3 separate fares. And unless you're riding with Lord of the Flies travel, order of drop off is usually decided by either the order you got in the cab or the quickest overall route for the driver. It is not decided upon your belief that you are inherently better than every other passenger in the car. It is not decided by the quality of your suit or your how nice a car you have (when you're not requiring a taxi)
I live walking distance from my station, but last week when I got off the train, I was caught in a downpour with no umbrella. I took a cab. Another gentlemen entered just as the driver was about to take off for my destination which is literally two blocks off the road that leads to the station. Immediately, the gentleman began insisting he go first:
"I'm five minutes away," he said. "Right off SwaimRapesDogs Blvd."
(That's not the actual name of the street, but I am actively lobbying my local representative for a change.)
"You're gonna hit my house first," I said. "You reach my street, CodyHasSTDs Lane, before you even get to SwaimRapesDogs Blvd."
(It should be noted that I do actually live on CodyHasSTDs Lane).
"Yeah I understand that, but that's if you make a right out of here. If you make a left, I'm only five minutes away."
So let's recap here:
1. I was in the cab first;
2. My destination was far closer to the station than his; and
3. I'm lobbying my congressmen to change one of the streets in my town to SwaimRapesDogs Blvd.
The third point is unnecessary I'll admit, but given the first two, I was pretty shocked that I was involved in an argument. In response, I said nothing and just watched the driver take me home first. "I'll rise above this," I said to myself, and then sat down and wrote mean things about the bad man who was a big jerkface. Because I'm very mature.
Some day ... (sigh)
When is it wise to correct somebodies s****y behavior?
ReplyHoly crap!! When did all our commentors become autistic and a-holes attacking autism?
Reply#3 is not inexcusable. Some people are just more sensitive than others, like how some people can actually bear fingernails on the chalkboard or styrofoam on glass.
ReplyThe backpack thing? Are there no bag-slitters (cut-purses LOL) in America? You either put them by your feet or temporarily turn them into front-packs.
*Yuck* It took me a few seconds to realize I was subconciously holding my breath when those deformed toenails appeared on the screen.
ReplyI was about to say how I put my hands over my ears (even with my ear plugs - which I have to wear constantly whilst out - in) because I have sensory processing problems resulting from a high functioning form of autism, but then I scrolled down and realized belfire had already done that. If I have a meltdown I become completely unresponsive and either start screaming the same thing over and over again and become quite aggressive or curl up into a ball, whilst shaking violently. On the subway either one of these would probably end up with the police being called, my school being contacted (because of my uniform) and then the school officials trying to explain that I am not insane and/or dangerous before the police send me to a psychiatric hospital. Also, having a meltdown is really horrible.
ReplyI also have to take a backpack onto a bus because I go to school and I will get in lots of trouble for showing up with no supplies and lunch, I don't wear my backpack but I still have to take it on the bus, that really isn't my fault.
You're not autistic, you're just a dick that someone stupidly furnished with an excuse.
"If I have a meltdown I become completely unresponsive and either start screaming the same thing over and over again and become quite aggressive or curl up into a ball, whilst shaking violently."
That's NOT "high functioning" there's something seriously wrong with you. You can't have it both ways. Get a f*****g MedicAlert bracelet.
Also, in case you've been wondering, you're definitely gay because you say "whilst" when a normal person would say "while".
Tosh isn't gay, but she's probably bisexual. That romp with the woman who was really an alien can really mess someone up.
Have you ever tried to carry a weeks worth of groceries onto a city bus without a backpack...it's f*****g difficult...douche
ReplyWhat part of "take it off and put it at your feet" was so confusing for you?
"DO I NEED TO TRANSFER AT UNION SQUARE?!" made me laugh until I cried. I purposefully avoid that whole area because it's full of people with no situational awareness (ex. college students). Last time my roommate and I were on the train near there, we got stuck right next to this group of like four white kids from NYU who spent a full half-hour talking about how awesome they are because they do drugs and go to underground raves. Because, you know, it's not edgy if no one hears you talk about it, so you'd better do it AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE
ReplyNo need to worry. Given enough time someone will notice what a huge dick you are and kill you. And you will totally deserve it.
I do the fingers in ears thing but then I have sound senstivity as a result of autism and loud/shrill noises cause me physical pain and tend to lead to me tic-ing like a f*****g smackhead going through withdrawal 10 seconds of fingers in ears beats the living f**k out of two hours of involuntary neck muscle and arm tics (which get painful and lead to lot of people staring at me like a f*****g zoo attraction) so I'll have to keep on doing it although wearing headphones is really damn helpful if anyone else out there gets this.
Replyyes. noise-blocking headphones (like, earbuds that actually go into your ear) are a godsend. Even if I'm not listening to music, it still makes a huge difference.
Last summer, I was sitting behind a man who loudly complained to himself about every little bump in the road or red light for the entire half hour I was on the bus. It wasn't simple "oof"s when the bus hit a pothole, no, it was "are you f*****g kidding me??". Hardly anybody else on the bus was talking, so everyone, including a mother with her young children could hear exactly how far up his ass a stick resided. How do people become so pathetic?
ReplyAnd you are such a sissy that you couldn't squeeze out a "f uck you shut the f uck up or I will f ucking end you!" ? How did you become so pathetic?
I've had to take backpacks onto public busses before, and I feel just as bad for taking them on. Everyone has a different idea of how they should be handeled.
ReplyWhat bothers me is when someone sits next to you and takes up all of the leg room, especially if you're in the window seat.
Drunken war vets... Bad. LOL
ReplyWe have a guy who begs here in Denver and he wears a suit and designer sun glasses....
re: backpacks: I do feel the need to ask for an exception to your annoyance for college towns. At least the on-campus routes. Y'know, being largely populated by students going to/from classes. With backpacks.
Replydude wasn't saying don't possess a backpack. just be cognizant of the way your radius increases when an anagrammed ll bean satchel is attached to your torso. that and keep it betwixt your feetsies during rush hour.
dude wasn't saying don't possess a backpack. simply be cognizant of how your radius increases when an anagrammed ll bean satchel is attached to your torso. that and keep it betwixt your feetsies when the car fills to capacity.
He said Germans do something annoying. Prep for misplaced nationalism.
ReplyHow the hell did I miss this article? That Scorpions joke is one of the best throwaway image-based jokes I've seen on this site.
ReplyIt's funny: my German teacher says that Germans think American tourists are the loudest and most annoying.
ReplyI think Americans make the loudest tourists, rather than Germans, for sure
ReplySome load people are okay. I mean i've been on a train where everyone on the train got involved in a couples argument. It was really funny and entertaining
ReplyI mean Loud sorry
I was once sitting on a bus and a guy was screaming into his cell about the abortion his girlfriend had just had, and how his ex-gf had just miscarried his baby, and stuff like that. It was actually pretty funny.
I think you are confusing German people with Russian people.
ReplyWhat's wrong with #3? That squeaking is the same as fingers on a chalkboard amplified 10x. Besides, pressing on the ear flap and not shoving your finger into your ears is ok.
ReplyI have never actually found shoving my fingers into my ears very effective, anyway.
I have to thank you for the backpack one actually. I've only recently started using a backpack (yes, I know it's a gateway luggage and I'll soon be carrying around a full set of suitcases), and had no idea about the etiquette.
Reply