Nothing puts me in the holiday spirit like shotgunning cheap wine to wash down a fistful of Paxil while looking up outrageously extravagant gifts that cost more than my entire life is worth. Maybe it's slightly masochistic, but I truly find entertainment in the mega-expensive gifts that are only being purchased by the nouveau riche, lottery winners, or anyone who has suddenly found themselves thrust into a real-life version of Brewster's Millions.
So I did some digging and found some of the most insane gifts you can actually buy someone this year for Christmas -- or whatever other day on which you're desperately trying to purchase someone's love and affection.
#6. Throw Out The First Pitch At A Baseball Game
Throwing out the first pitch in a ballgame is a time-honored tradition usually designated for VIPs like presidents, celebrities, or dying children whose last wish is to make your day at the ballpark as sad as humanly possible. But if you have a couple thousand dollars just lying around and taking up space -- like, maybe you're Tony Montana or something -- then you can gift someone the chance to publicly embarrass themselves by pathetically tossing one off the pitcher's mound. Just like an important person!
Or more likely, not even close to the pitcher's mound.
There is a catch (that pun is absolutely intended -- you don't own me). First, opening day is not an option. Second, it's for the Detroit Tigers, who are indisputably one of the crappiest teams in MLB history. Yes, I know they've had a few good seasons in their lifetime, but that's more likely thanks to the infinite monkey theorem than anything intentional.
Which is exactly why they are one of the few (if not the only) baseball teams that have ceremonial first pitch slots up for grabs. Because really, not even a Z-list former reality show cast member is booking that crappy gig. I'm actually surprised there isn't an option to just become an active member of their starting lineup.
Major League Baseball
You couldn't possibly do worse.
Even though baseball isn't really working out for Detroit, at least they still have that whole automobile industry ... wait, never mind.
#5. Tickets To An A-List Oscar Party
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Have a movie mega-fan on your gift list? Or maybe just a mega-starfucker? Drop some beaucoup bucks and let them party like an A-lister. Depending on your budget, you can purchase a ticket to the hottest parties in Los Angeles on awards night. For $1,490, treat someone to tickets to Night of 100 Stars, where they can saddle up to aging celebs like Jon Voight, and listen to him reminisce about his decades-old Oscar win or how he was totally snubbed for his brilliant fight scene in The Karate Dog.
But why cheap out when tickets to watch Harvey Weinstein verbally berate and/or sexually harass an up-and-coming starlet only cost $4,990? That C-list blonde television actress could very well be the next proud owner of a defunct lifestyle website thanks to her couch time with one of the most powerful men in Hollywood, and your bud will have been there to witness history in the making. Totally worth the price of admission.
The baller move, though, is plopping down 60 Gs for a table of 10 to attend Sir Elton John's infamous star-studded extravaganza. That's right, for $59,990, you can be a real-life Vincent Chase, and you and those loser hanger-ons you call friends can rub elbows with the rich and famous. Or you could be a selfish prick and spend that same amount to treat yo' self to a ticket to Vanity Fair's swanky shindig. Any of these are sure to top some lame-ass Oscar party with chocolate statues and cheesy swag bags you purchased from Oriental Trading Company.
Michael Kovac/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images
The memories of why you can't pay your rent for the next 10 years will live forever.
#4. A ManServant For The Sad Single In Your Life
We all know at least one person who spends their holiday answering a barrage of obnoxious questions from some judgmental family member who wants to know when they'll finally settle down and start a family before their ovaries have completely dried up. Apparently, SOME people don't think pets count as children. Whatever. My horse is my life, even if my ex-landlord is suing me for keeping it in the apartment.
Normally, said sad single would spend this time of year in some type of chemically-induced haze to help numb them from dealing with their family's crushing disappointment about their life decisions and inability to find the perfect man. Or at least, that's what I hear happens. But not this year! Why not make your single friend's life a little brighter by gifting them with the most doting, ideal man ever -- a.k.a. the ManServant?
You can eat all those cakes right in front of him, and he'll simply compliment you on your exquisite chewing style.
These aren't your typical Craigslist male escorts we're talking about. These studs are actual classy gentlemen that are custom-tailored to your friend's tastes and emotional needs. You choose everything, from his looks to his clothes to his personality type, and you even name him. It's like having a Lego set made out of meat! Sadly, an in-person ManServant is only available in California and New York City, but you can still give the gift of love over social media with their #Instalover. Sure, it's a little Catfishy, but we all know that real love is measured in Instagram likes and #hashtags.
This is totally how Alfred keeps Batman going during those late-night Joker hunts.
I was going to order one myself and have him fix my sink, but then I realized that I'd get the same service by just calling a plumber.