5 Reasons We Need Classes on How to Talk to People
People are always going on about how America is falling behind in education, by which they mean math and science and spleling and al that crapp no one ever usses. But what about social skills? How to talk to people, how to deal with disagreements, what types of people to check for in a room before telling a dirty joke -- where are those classes?
"Oh, people don't need a class for that," you might say. "We just naturally pick that up. Unless we are autistic." Maybe that used to be the case. But now ...
#5.
Kids Don't Get to Play
At first, when I read this article, where the authors say their students "can't share easily or listen in a group," "have impulse control problems and have trouble keeping their hands to themselves," and "don't always see that actions have consequences," I yawned, thinking it was another one of those boring parenting articles making a big deal about kindergartners acting like kindergartners.
It turns out those are Harvard college students.
Getty
"Today, we're going to learn about using our outside voice."
The authors theorize that this is what happens when parents see every moment of school, tutoring, tennis lessons and piano lessons as "productive time" toward building their little future doctor/lawyer, and see free play as a waste of precious time.
Even ordinary kids whose parents think playing is fine are getting their playtime trimmed down as schools keep cutting down on recess and gym.
Getty
How I miss those endless hours playing "monorail."
And childhood is a pretty important time for social development, where kids learn cooperation ("You hold the bucket over the door and I'll get Kevin."), negotiation ("You got to be Batman last time, so now you're Robin."), how to handle hurt feelings ("They won't play with me because I have cooties?") and how to handle conflict ("No, YOU'RE a stupidhead!"). Honestly, the last one takes a couple decades to sort out.
The Bleacher Report
Many decades sometimes.
Anyway, you think, Fine, so growing up is going to be a little awkward for these kids but they'll be the ones laughing at the rest of us when they buy a yacht with their brain surgeon money. Actually they may not even get there. Let's see what happens when little Johnny -- violin virtuoso, Math Olympics champion and 5.0 GPA high school class valedictorian -- starts applying for med school.
#4.
Med Schools Are Testing Applicants for Social Skills
It turns out a growing number of med schools are starting to test applicants' social and interpersonal skills in addition to looking at their grades, test scores and number of useless clubs joined.
Virginia Tech Carilion runs applicants through a pile of eight-minute interviews with a different interviewer every time where they had to discuss some kind of hypothetical ethical dilemma, like how would you deal with a patient who insisted they didn't need a nose job or something. The interviewer would throw some curve balls at them, like, what if her nose was really ugly, and doesn't society have the right to not look at it? There weren't any right answers, it was just to see if they could deal with touchy situations without pitching a fit or pulling a Rain Man.
"If I don't hear the question, maybe I don't have to answer it!"
Med schools and universities in general have always made a big thing about looking for "well-rounded" students, but they've always had terrible ways of looking for it. Clubs are a joke -- I went to a high school that was a spawning pool for doctors and lawyers, and someone was always starting a very productive-sounding club like the Asian-American Debate Club or what have you, which did nothing all year but let the founder and all her friends put a "club officer" position on their college apps. There was an actual debate club, that actually did things, but seriously, like the college admissions officer would know which was which.
Even a meaningful, productive club is still a small and often homogeneous group, so while the kid may learn to talk to some people, they may never get out of a comfortable bubble. And again, it's absurd to expect the admissions officer to have any idea which type of club they're looking at.
The Buffy Fanfiction Club speaks for itself though.
The extremely insincere typical form-letter college essay doesn't help either, and a lot of hobbies just indicate that the kid doesn't study in a tower room every waking moment, not that they actually engage with people. Maybe they learned a lot about teamwork and heartbreak and jealousy and humility on that baseball team, or maybe they just stood in the outfield and stared into space. You can't know.
So instead of having the kid tell you what a think-on-his-feet diplomat he is, why not have him just show you? Makes more sense.
Which leads to the bigger question: Why is this so important to med schools? Well, because ...
#3.
Doctors With Social Skills Fix Patients Better
Now, those who haven't watched Patch Adams might think that the basics of medicine are making the right diagnosis and giving people the right drugs and surgery for it, and having the doctor be nice to you is sort of a luxury, but doesn't affect the real serious problem of your cancer or diabetes or whatnot.
The truth is, just like Patch Adams' painfully corny comedy consistently made patients' physical conditions worse ...
Tell me your blood pressure didn't go up a little.
... a good doctor-patient relationship can result in better blood sugar levels in diabetics. And doctors making patients feel important caused an observable decrease in symptoms a month later.
And patients aren't the only ones affected by doctor assholery or awkwardness. Not surprisingly, when doctors and nurses don't get along, patients don't do so well either. Doctors play such a big leadership role in a hospital that when they're difficult, everything is difficult, and someone fucks up a chart and they end up amputating the wrong leg or giving a man a Cesarean.
IMP Awards
Which has historically been appropriate in only one case.
We watch shows like House and get used to the idea of curmudgeonly doctors being impossible in a quirky, interesting way, but the reality is that people acting like that have probably indirectly killed people.
There are comments to this effect below, but I wonder how much of what's said in this article (and I certainly am awkward in social settings), combined with more kids in front of the computer rather than in front of people, leads to the amount of people who self-diagnose themselves with Aspergers. There's absolutely a real condition, but there's so many more people who think that they have it to justify their behavior, when they perhaps just never did get to play enough outside with the other kids.
ReplyThe sad thing is that in the near future, parents will attempt to improve their kids social skills by sending them to some kind of special social class instead of, you know... letting them play with other children.
ReplyI used to be terribly shy and introverted when I was a kid and all through high school. Yet now in my 20s, I do perfectly fine, thrive in fact, in conversations, be they one-on-one, small groups or even a good sized crowd.
ReplyThe one thing I cannot tolerate, however, is public speaking. When I was in college, public speaking was a required course out of the general ed. requirements. Fortunately, I was able to reach some sort of articulation agreement where I took a class in the study of communication rather than giving actual presentations.
I have no plans of being a Tony Robbins or a theater major, or doing anything that would involve project management or supervisory capacities. (I know I wouldn't like to be a business owner, much less a CEO.)
But I do just fine in terms of interpersonal situations. Is delivering presentations and persuading audiences really considered a "necessary social skill" needed to get by and do well in 99% of daily life? As long as I'm not a total a*****e with my friends or live the life of a J.D. Salinger/Burgess Meredith devotee, then how important is it really that I be a good public speaker? Am I "introverted," or worse, paranoid, because I don't necessarily like (and actually get terrified of) being the center of attention?
I figured that sort of thing ought to be re-branded Narcissism 101. ;)
(Btw, my username reads as male but I am a girl. :) I wonder if gender makes a difference in terms of performance anxiety.)
Oh thank god I'm not the only neurotypical with s****y social skills, I thought I was alone.
Reply"interpersonal skill classes" < the Peter principle
Reply#1 is doomed before you begin.
I don't want to be 'That Guy', but I do want to comment that PVP, the webcomic by Scott Kurtz recently ran a brief story arc where the business around which the comic revolves is invited to the offices of a major corporation in order to plan a marketing event only to have one of the characters completely destroy the opportunity by acting like and insufferable and arrogant no-it-all.
Reply"K"no"W" it all?
I'm about to start work for a guy that is socially competent, gets tech, and lets his techs work in the back room away from the customers. Those jobs do exist. You may make more money if you like to BS but you can make a living and live a happy peaceful quiet life if you keep looking for the right place to work.
ReplyDo you get there via a rope swing over the crick?
If your boss responds to questions and suggestions with 'They're hiring at McDonald's', it is more than time to learn to communicate. Because this boss thinks s/he knows better than you what the company or organization needs, even though you and your co-workers are the ones with the ground-level experience.
ReplyIf your boss responds to questions and suggestions with 'They're hiring at McDonald's', it is more than time to drive him there and let him get an aplication form.
My dad had this problem a few years ago. He is a drafter, and an excellently self-taught one, at that. He had a chance to go to Clemson, but turned it down because he knew he would waste his time there. Then, a few years ago, this charismatic youngster with a degree and a SPARKLING personality (which only shone for corporate) became project manager. He had no idea how to use Autocad or any sort of system the project was utilizing. Yet there he was. What the hell?
ReplyAnd this is why, as an engineer, I'm going back to get my MBA. I realized that about 75% of my job is getting people to do what I want and the other 25% involves doing stuff for other people. Lesson learned, I'm trying to become a better, more well-rounded person. But I secretly hope other people won't figure it out, or I'll only be superior for so long.
ReplyOur society is doing it to ourselves. We don't teach kids good social skills. We just shove a book in front of them and expect them to memorize stuff. This is a clearly ineffective and detrimental way to go about raising children. Children learn through play some of the most important skills (from hand-eye coordination to social skills to problem solving etc...) but meaningless work is overvalued. The meaningless work is forgotten as soon it is learned making the experience about as useful as working in a sweatshop. Kids need to develop not fill out meaningless paperwork and memorize bullshit. Sure math and reading and writing are all important, but there is way better ways to teach children than locking them up in classrooms and crushing their spirits into little drones instead of intelligent, well adjusted people.
Reply^ quite a true statement, social skills are falling apart more every day, and it doesn't take a genius to notice it. While learning and comprehension are all fine and good (and pretty important in modern society), we seem to often forget just how important it is to be able to socialize well and handle situations of such a nature with a level head, maybe if people were more diligent about such things people wouldn't equate socially acceptable behavior in say, world of warcraft, to acceptable behavior out and about among our fellow humans (then again, people have an annoyingly bad habit of being douches all on their own, so who knows really), it certainly couldn't hurt though.
I'm so tired of people acting like it's "cute" or "quirky" that they "just don't understand social cues!" tee-hee, just like Data on Star Trek! Do you have Aspergers? Are you a sociopath? Are you an android? No? Then you don't have a f*****g excuse. And even the sociopaths and androids are doing better than you, so you REALLY don't have an excuse. This s**t is not cute, knock it off.
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesSociopaths are actually quite adept at performing social norms and winning friends. Psychopaths, too. They just don't care about those they befriend. I agree with your sentiment, though.
I find the old quote, "Just be yourself." stupid. It should be, "Be the person you want to be." You shouldn't settle with who you are currently, always try to be a better person. Okay, yes you still should appreciate yourself and understand no one is perfect, but the point is you shouldn't settle for being so socially inept.
I am naturally an introvert and find social situations often awkward and energy consuming. But that doesn't excuse me from being a productive person who gets along well with people and is respected and respectful. If you met me you probably wouldn't notice that I am socially awkward inside. It took me practice, but I grew out of it. That doesn't mean I seek out large social situations often for fun. But it does mean that they NEVER stop me from reaching my goals and I am always seen by others as a person who can deal with other people well.
So the point is, there is no excuse. You may be born with a lesser skill set, but that doesn't excuse you from at least learning the basics. If almost every person can learn to drive, read, write, speak, operate computers, learn money than almost every person can learn to talk to people.
I have asperger's myself, and find that even with a severe communication handicap, I end up communicating more politely and in a more socially acceptable way most of the time than your average Joe (which really isn't saying much for people these days).
Psychopath's have terrible social skills. They put on an air of charm, but it's a pretty poor charade, and they are INCREDIBLY arrogant and demeaning to others.
I have aspergers as well and I noticed I can still be polite in social situations. While I'm not comfortable in most situations, I still somehow manage to be more polite than most people I work with. I've never been fired from a job and my boss will often come to me for advice on how to deal with an especially difficult person. I still have a hard time, and I often have social anxiety that can rear its ugly head, but I know it is all only temporary because at the end of the day I can go home to my own place where there is no one to bother me, so it makes it easier to be nice to strangers when you know it is only temporary.
What's not clear in the article is that another reason social skills are important for docs is that they are better at communicating with a patient about their symptoms. A pretentious a*****e who thinks he can diagnose you in 5 seconds is going to make more mistakes than a doc who sees you as an actual person with valuable information about your own ailment.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesI've dealt with a large amount of doctors who lacked social skills and/ or caring about patients past their appointed times. I've had a lot of frustration with them. Doctors without social skills also often misread what the patient is trying to say or do not ask good questions to help diagnose.
I had a doctor make my back problems worse by having a discography performed on me, despite MRI's showing disc degeneration, arthritis, and all my complaints about aches and whatnot being a perfect match for needing a surgery, but no, instead they drove giant spikes into my spine to inject dye to do invasive tests which by the way, they didn't even finish because the pain was unbearable, still charged me for it, sent me home with a "sorry the test was inconclusive I can't help you, go get physical therapy" and actually made things worse, as I now seem to have nerve damage in my lower back, thanks doc.
If I wasn't so perfectly happy with being very much alive, I might not want to be alive after something like that, how this ties into social skills? They didn't bother listening to me and insisted a superior "I know everything" attitude when dealing with me.
Wear sunscreen, quit smoking, eat right, exercise, quit drinking, and don't have unprotected sex. There. Just cured a lot of cancer right there.
Reply Hide All See All 3 Repliesnot to mention aids.
UVA or UVB? tobacco or everything? define right. how much of what exercises? which fluids? does the pill count as protection? and with these stupid questions, you can see why these things are still a problem
Haha, skala. You had me. Yea, it's common sense, but people always have a reason for not doing what they know they should to be healthier.
We don't need a class to teach us how to talk. We need practice.
ReplyWhat do you do in a class? You sit down and listen to the teacher/professor talk. Instead, you should go get a job or a hobby where people are outspoken or outgoing. Even if you're too shy to start a conversation, they will do it. And if you ever say something stupid or offending, you can bet they will let you know.
Also, this is one of the things that gets easier the older you are. I've never had a conversation with a senior where I wished they had spoken more.
It figures that fields that may have once save havens for those who are not good with people, would actually turn out to be reliant on social ability afterall. Apparently, there is no place in the world for those who cannot deal with it. Those who want to find out how to hide from the world should instead apologize to their parents for being born, and leave this world, to make way for those who at least have the desire to TRY dealing with it.
ReplyWell, that was a bit dramatic but true. What about the people that just can't handle it? They're screwed? Is no one watching out for them?
I don't get why people are surprised that you need social skills to advance in a corporation.
ReplyLets use an accounting firm as the example. You have your base of accountants who do accounting work.
Then you have the managers. They are not doing harder accounting jobs, or jobs that require more accounting knowledge. They are trying to effectively coordinate the accountants.
Then the executives. They are not dealing with super-important accounting jobs, they are coordinating the managers and workers to effectively work on things.
Knowledge of the field is essentially necessary for executives only insofar as to be able to effectively allocate personnel.
You want to just sit at your desk and do your job all day without dealing with people? Fine, but you stay at the bottom level because that is the only level where that kind of attitude is of any use.
Want to get to the top? Being at the top requires organizing people, so take the time to learn some damn social skills, because that is what the job requires.
Man, screw aids! SENTIENT KANGAROOS!!!!
ReplyPicture of a group of people not getting it at all. Sorry, kids, but your hopes for an objectivist paradise where you don't have to do anything but be good at what you like to do are all lies perpetrated by a drug-binging moron. Put down "Atlas Shrugged" and realize that people are social creatures and we all have a need to be liked, heard and understood. Don't believe me? Then why are you trolling comments sections on articles about social skills? Being a cave-dwelling hermit is really the only way to show how much you don't give a f**k about what other people think.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesFor those who worry they don't know how to deal with other people: Neither do the rest of us. But we bluff our way through it, and that's the difference. A handy tip: Ask questions and get people talking about themselves. It's a subject they love, and you might be bored to tears, but if you can fake an interested look, they will think you're awesome and you'll hardly have to do any work.
I can't speak for everyone, but the reason I'm trolling the comments section is because I'm entirely aware that everything you are saying is true, but in this case I happen to find the truth to be offensive.
You say "be good at what you like to do" as if that is something easy. Quoting another article, "being good" is about 10,000 hours of work at a minimum. But that's all irrelevant because apparently, you just need to be a socialite and you can have whatever you want. The article explicitly points out that most people in charge don't know anything besides how to be liked. Even our very system of democracy echoes this, literally by selecting leaders based purely on popularity.
It's not the belief of mankind as social animals that has me trolling. It's the fact that man's social nature completely supercedes merit, effort, or skill. Not everyone has the good fortune to be born with good social skills, or the ability to learn them, or even fake them. What can such people hope for besides a life of servitude to inferior, more emotional people. It's discrimination on a global scale, and what vexes me most is that everyone is ok with it.
Social skills ARE a form of merit.
If you cannot effectively communicate with others in at least a basic manner, your other skills are much less useful to society. I don't care if you are the guy who has knowledge of virology to cure AIDS, if you are incapable of dealing with the many other people necessary to mass produce it, that knowledge is only slightly better than useless.
You don't need to be excellent at social interaction (that is also a skill that requires those 10,000 hours to master), but you do need to understand the basics.
There are people who legitimately are incapable of developing passable social skills, and that is a serious disability. But there are far more people who just refuse to take the time to learn polite conversation and proper manners.
People who are good at working with people advance because advancement means that you will be responsible for working with people.
Faranya: I argue that social skills are not a form of merit, or at the very least, one that is grossly over-valued. Extrapolating your first example, what kind of society values being sociable over having the cure for AIDS?
Good point about disability, but that's not really what I meant. To be the sort of person who succeeds beyond someone with actual ability requires more than just passable social skills. Even with the 10,000 hours logged, there will be that level that an average introvert will never touch.
My major disagreement is that people pass bullshit social skills off as productive social skills. We ALL have productive social skills, some of us just don't give a damn about the latest episode of whatever. The latest episode of whatever is not productive. I don't expect people at work to read every article of cracked I do and claim they are unsociable when they don't know what I'm talking about. I don't care about your most recent temper tantrum, why is it that throwing temper tantrums is sociable and refusing to deal with people who throw them - not sociable? I say bullshit.
it seems to me that for some goddamn reason, people are laboring under the inexplicable belief that all it takes to succeed in life are intelligence and hard work. who the f**k made up those rules?
Reply Hide All See All 4 Repliesthat's not a rhetorical question. the government made up those rules to keep the population in submission. don't believe it for a minute. it's not the natural order of things.
people believe for some reason that money and success is earned. that's f****n retarded. the whole concept is a lie. success comes to people who reach out and grab for it. money isn't earned, it's gotten.
you want money? put your intelligence to work towards building a dominant and charismatic personality. and if you don't have the intelligence, go rob a bank. it amounts to the same thing anyways.
that's the natural f****n order of things.
this was more interesting that the article itself.
You Sir are batshit insane.
Batshit insane is the new sane!
You really think the government single-handedly made up those rules with the specific intention of keeping the population under control? You are a f*****g retard. Albeit, the government does benefit from those who live by such a philosophy, but to say the individual who is a smart, hardworking person doesn't benefit from their own hard work makes about as much sense as your retarded delusional belief of the aforementioned apparent government conspiracy to enslave the masses by brainwashing them into thinking that hard work pays off. Those "rules" as you call them have been around probably since before any government. Why? Because the vast majority of people of every generation have, by the masses, one way or another, came to the realization that it is better to work your way up the chain and be respected than cheat your way to the top and eventually get fucked over by the pissed off masses (which happens most of the time if you cheat your way high enough) So please stop preaching doctrine that sounds like it came from the anarchist cookbook, throw away your copy, and get a life. And the next time you have an opinion on something, please know what the f**k you're talking about before you open your goddamn mouth.