The 5 Most Likely Ways Humans Will Become Obsolete
It\'s called the Technological Singularity, and it\'s basically the point at which life as we know it starts losing its shit.
From the perspective of the planet Earth, humans have existed for about three seconds. In those three seconds, we've made such astounding technological leaps that, at present, we actually have articles written in light, by electricity and broadcast instantaneously all over the globe, complaining about the fact that we don't have flying skateboards yet.
Compared to the technological progress of, say, the dinosaurs during their tens of millions of years on Earth, were the equivalent of a guy who shows up at a party already hammered, shoots a liter of heroin and asks if they have any medical-grade adrenaline kicking around in the back. Clearly, were a little impatient when it comes to getting our next hit of sweet, sweet progress.
The problem is, our toys dont always come with instructions, or even those recommended for species aged 1-100 million years stickers. And on occasion we end up with shit that, quite frankly, maybe we shouldnt have access to. The atomic bomb, high fructose corn syrup, Robots Rise Up, Blah Blah, Etc.
The Gist:
This is your most basic version of the Technological Singularity, the one popularized by countless movies and feared ever since Pinocchio became self-aware and murdered his father (I didnt watch much Disney as a kid).
The basic idea goes like this: One day in the future, a team of scientists working at a robot factory (lets say Japanese scientists, because, hey, who are we kidding?) finally invent a robot thats smarter than a human being, if only by an infinitesimal amount. Itll still probably be a robot dog, but thats fine; the point is, its the robot weve all been imagining all these years.
Then lets say--since Japanese scientists are so notoriously lazy--they take the rest of the day off and have the newborn Mr. Roboto design more robots instead of doing it themselves. Makes sense after all: why do a job the hard way when theres a tool that can do it faster and better than you? Its kind of the basis of all human civilization, and, some would argue, our current unemployment rate, but shut the fuck up because robots are cool.
So while Mrs. Yakahara and the Morimoto twins are guzzling sake at the commissary, Mr. Roboto dutifully uses his superhuman brain to design the best robot he can, a robot that, as youd expect--because hes smarter than the people who designed him--is even smarter than 
Even if youre not religious, creating a robot that functions on the same level as a human being seems like a tall order, but think about it this way: the guy who built Deep Blue could probably shit a diamond more easily than beat it at a game of chess. And Im guessing the guy who invented the hydraulic press couldnt crush a car, either. And just 
Upside:
OK, so theres no particular reason our robot superiors should instantly want to kill or enslave us, other than that it makes for a much more entertaining movie than Bicentennial Man.
Assuming we could retain control of our robots as they got ever smarter and more powerful--say, with some Asimov-style laws hard-wired in--theres a chance wed actually come out of this with a willing race of slaves who know everything and can do anything. Not the worst deal ever.
But the real negative here is how inevitable it all seems. If you grant that it's even theoretically possible
to make an android of greater than human intelligence, then it seems pretty damn likely that it's going to happen at some point. And that's scary.
Yes, you could pass laws against developing intelligent machines, but has the law ever prevented humanity from diddling with a dangerous new technology? Maybe for a little while, but if you dont think anyone's ever going to try to clone a human, you clearly haven't met my friend "Michael Swaim Backup Alpha."
And what if China develops a super-intelligent robot before we do? National security DEMANDS an American robo-man!
Human nature being what it is (greedy and paranoid), it seems pretty clear that if it's possible for us to make a robot as smart as a human, well do it, if only to marvel at our own ingenuity before our windpipes are crushed beneath the treaded boots of our metal masters.
Teh Intr4net Pwns U
The Gist:
One of the main problems with the robot theory is how freaking amazing the human brain is, and therefore how hard it is to believe it could actually be replicated. Naturally, theres a lot of disagreement about the exact processing power and storage capacity of the brain. But a conservative estimate--made by a mathematician who thinks the Technological Singularity will happen as soon as 2030--puts it at around 100 times todays best supercomputers, despite the existence of Internet comments.
That means the guy across from you at the bus depot grunting in frustration as he rips up today's Junior Jumble is as smart as, say, 58 supercomputers. And with some of the new barriers microchip developers have been running up against, it could be quite a while before we can house that much smart in a single box. And even if we could, wed probably just use it to play 
Why Its Plausible:
Well, the Internet existing is a pretty good indicator. And the "Internet gains self-awareness" scenario just seems to grow more smoothly out of our present conditions than a walkin talkin robot. Although perhaps the theory would seem more ludicrous if it had been featured in movies more often. Basically youve just got War Games and that 70s movie, The Colossus.
And while Im not saying I necessarily endorse this theory, I do have to admit it feels a lot more plausible ever since Google came into existence. Every time I load up Firefox, part of me expects my homepage to be a white screen with multicolored letters reading OBEY_OR
What Is This “AFK” You Speak Of?
The Gist:
OK, lets tighten the plausibility belt another notch. Lets say that, for whatever reason, we just dont believe in The Matrix or Demolition Man or anything cool like that; theyre just too badass to actually happen.
Thats not going to stop technology from rapidly and drastically changing the way we live over the next century. Dont believe me? Imagine explaining Twitter, your GPS, 
More important in fact, because your virtual identity combines your consciousness with the stored knowledge of every computer on Earth.
Suddenly, being offline almost feels like being dumb. Youre cut off from a part of your brain that youve utilized from birth. Better still, a part of the brain where your name gets to be Kairhein_Von_Terrible26.
Soon enough you and your computer are basically one guy, and that guy has all the capabilities of a being of superhuman intelligence.
Mathematically speaking, You + Your Computer = An Android.
Theres no question that people now spend a larger part of their days interacting with a computer, or with one another via a computer, than they did 10 years ago. Or two years ago. If we keep inventing new social networking platforms at this rate, we could be android-equivalent virtual beings sometime later this month.
Upside:
So far, this is the first scenario that doesnt involve us either becoming extinct or slaves. But wait, it gets even better.
If it turns out computers are literally incapable of developing human-like consciousness (or at least, WERE not capable of building one that has it), then in some sense were off the hook. We remain our own masters, and keep on reaping those technological benefits.
And even further in the future, as user interfaces get more and more complex, the world could start looking an awful lot like
We Become Fucking Cyborgs
The Gist:
And why not? If were going to be defining our identities by our technology, whats the harm in getting some of it sewn into our skin, or wired into our eyes, or burning the contents of our brains onto a 9,000-layer DVD and making several hundred backup copies?
In the cyborg future, surgery and computing have finally come together, and thankfully not in a really gross way. Amputees have the robot power legs they've always wanted, but never use them because, like everyone else, theyre too busy communicating with the human group mind, or metacore.
This is basically the future science fiction writers imagined before they got all depressed in the late 40s and started writing exclusively about the A-bomb. This is mankind as a transcendent being, our tool-using potential pushed to the maximum and reincorporated into the organism.
Instead of breathing life into machines, we ate their delicious electric hearts, thereby gaining their power like a robotic version of the bad guy from 
Theres no question that extreme elective surgery is more a part of life now than ever. I mean, just look at Michael Jackson or that cat lady. Or for that matter, the guy who's been breaking world running records because he has
wait for it
robot legs. True, theyre basically just metal strips, but the bottom line is they work a heck of a lot better than your stupid legs.
So see? Technically, weve already got a cyborg. Embed his cell phone in his forearm and give him a laser eye, and were halfway there.
The only question left is whether humans, as a species, will ever actually 
I guess, technically, we wouldn't become omnipotently powerful quite
as fast as we could with an android intelligence thrown in here or there. And knowing how impatient humans are, that thought is probably enough to keep robotics and AI research going no matter how good our regular computers get, or how many we fasten to our bodies. Which takes us right back to the lazy Japanese Scientists, Mr. Roboto and the inevitability of a vast robot uprising.
Although at least in this scenario we get to fight back as cyborgs which, frankly, is the coolest possible outcome described in this article.
The “Real Life” Scenario
The Gist:
As youd expect, each of the outlandish predictions Ive described have their fair share of scientific detractors.
Im not saying I dont believe any of them could possibly happen (after all, I'm the blogger who declared it impossible to get Diet Dr. Pepper to taste more like regular Dr. Pepper), but they do take a certain leap of faith. Especially when all of the statistical evidence supporting them has been countered by cynics with arguments like static analysis errors and logarithmic scaling and I'm a bitter cynic who doesn't want anyone to find joy.
So what if the people with sand in their vagina are right? What if their sandy vaginas house a delicate pearl of wisdom?
If it really is 
Basically, we'll all die.
If you want to get less basic, experts have put forward a number of varied theories. Some predict food shortages leading to a collapse of civilization, while others go so far as to predict joblessness leading to a collapse of civilization. And of course there are the extremists, who predict a crippling economic downturn as a result of the dead-end technology market, leading to a collapse of civilization.
We don't have claws, or tails, or super hearing; we put all our points into INT. Being smart and building things is basically our only trick. Take it away from us, and some shit is going to go down.
And even worse, weve got to do it with nothing but the tools currently available to us and whatever else we can come up with along the way. Not nearly as cool as hurling rockets into space or having VR sex with Sandra Bullock, but there you go.
My advice: Anything is possible, and most of the more likely possibilities suck balls, so in the meantime lets all make the best of a bad situation, shall we?
At least until the Large Hadron Collider blows a hole into another dimension and we can steal their technology.
If you actually read this far, you should know that Michael is also the head writer for and co-founder of Those Aren't Muskets!, and you can follow him on Twitter @SWAIM_CORP!
