4 Fan Fiction Excerpts from Celebrities

Captain of the USS Enterprise and all around philosophical genius, Jean-Luc Picard once said, "Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery." Don't bother trying to find the episode because you won't. He said it to nude Jethro Gibbs while painting his portrait in a TNG/NCIS crossover piece of fan fiction I found online. Even though Picard was using it to seduce Special Agent Gibbs, it doesn't make the sentiment any less true. What's more, I don't think there's anyone more willing to squeeze out heaps of sincere flattery than fan fiction writers.

"Stick around, Data, I want to show you what human love looks like."

Fan fiction affords people the opportunity to celebrate their favorite franchises and novels by hijacking the carefully constructed universe from each, and clumsily forcing all the characters to have sex with each other. Granted, not all fan fiction devolves into sex, but all the ones worth reading certainly do.

While scouring through the sexualized fanfic about Ziggy Stardust and pretending that each mention of Bowie was actually me, I discovered that a few famous people are actually writing their own fan fiction every day. Below are my favorite four. While some of them hint at the longings and desires of the celebrities themselves, most of them are just opportunities to make beloved characters do each other.

#4. Barack Obama -- Firefly Fanfic

Excerpt #1

For the first time in her history, Serenity has no charted course. Adrift in a foreign galaxy, the crew sleeps. As ship mates, as brothers, sisters, as human beings, they are simply not prepared for the trouble they'll soon face. They're just not. This unknown star system harbors many threats, namely, Reavers.

Let it be known: I hate Reavers.

Mal awakens. Yawning, he rises as he does each morning, to do the work of man. He climbs out of bed, quietly so as not to bother Inara or Simon or River. Staring at their slacken, naked bodies, he fully weighs the costs and benefits of telling them the truth. They are out of fuel. It's that simple. And without a renewable energy source found soon, the crew will mutiny and choose another captain. He reminds himself that a coward is much more exposed to quarrels than a man of spirit.

Still, he elects not to wake them.

Excerpt #2

With a final stomp and twist of the foot, Mal dispatches the last Reaver. Heaving with testosterone, he turns to his crew.

"Look, I know some of you are unhappy with me and the way I have run this ship. I know you have had your doubts about me as your leader. I respect that. I'm sure many of you have thought you could do a superior job. That's simply not true. It's not. I run this ship. I run it well. Yet time and again, you ignore this fact. And while competition has been shown to be useful up to a certain point, cooperation, which is the thing we must strive for today, begins where competition leaves off. If we are to have any hope against the next wave of Reavers, I need you with me. Who still believes in me?"

River, with the courage of a thousand suns, stands. "I am with you, sir. I am with you implicitly."

Wash is the next to rise. "I know we are in an unstable environment right now, fiscally and physically. But our ship has seen worse and survived. I am with you."

"I am with you too," says Zoe. "Also, I am pregnant. It is yours."

"As am I" says Kaylee.

"Me too," says Jayne. "On both accounts."

"Come here, quick. It's hiccuping."

Now, with all of them pledging allegiance to their commander, Mal smiles. He is happy, both for the loyalty and pregnancy of all. A good leader can never cast judgment on his people, he must love them equally. Still privately in his heart, he hopes at least one child will be a boy. He already has two daughters on another planet and daughters are really hard.

#3. David Caruso -- CSI New Miami, Magnum P.I. Crossover Fanfic

Excerpt #1

There is a body cut in half. It is dead. A bunch of the good guys stand around it. They are looking at it and waiting until Horatio gets there. He does get there, on a horse. Everyone claps.

Horatio looks at the body and sees it's a teen girl. She's dead but she's still pretty hot. He counts the rings inside her and sees that she's 18 so it's OK to notice she's hot. Not everyone thinks to do that.

It also looks like there was a bad drought when she was 13.

The blonde one: What do you think, Horatio?

Me: I know how to throw knives.

The Cuban one: [some Spanish]

Me: You're right. The one thing this girl and our killer have in common is that they both split.

The other one: Let's use this box of stuff to detective on her.

Me: Good idea.

Suddenly a helicopter lands. It says "Island Hoppers" on it. Magnum and TC get out with beers. Nice. Magnum walks up to Horatio and the body. They high five with their guns.

Magnum: What have we got?

Me: The one thing this girl and our killer have in common is that they both split.

Magnum: Ha! Yeah! We're on it.

The blonde one: Hold on. We are working this case already.

Magnum: Oh, damn. Wait, I've got an idea ...

Magnum and Me together: Crime solving race!

Horatio and Magnum shake on it. The winner gets to sex the lab girl for a whole sun gone. They put on their bulletstopping jackets and go looking for the bad guys. Miami is hot.

Excerpt #2

Horatio meets Magnum at the high school. They are asking the other girls if they know what happened to the one that's in two pieces now. They say they don't but Magnum wants to take them to dinner just in case. They agree. They are going to wear bathing suits and they are all going to get pizza together. Is Horatio invited? Of course.

Me: We're best friends.

Magnum: The best.

They hug.

"I'm ordering now. What does everybody want?"

At the pizza place some terrorists are there. They have drugs probably and guns. The girls scream but Horatio and Magnum don't wait for backup and kill all the guys except one. He tells them where the treasure is buried. Then they shoot him.

Me: Yes! We CSIed it together. It's a tie.

Magnum: We win together. Teammates.

The girls cheer and everyone has a pizza party.

Montage of science reactions in test tubes.

Case closed.

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Soren Bowie

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