Video games and sex have had a long and uncomfortable relationship. From General Custer and his six-pixels-long Atari boner to the tradition of female characters wearing outfits that would be better suited for a strip club than the battlefield, gaming's never quite gotten a hold on the whole sex thing.
Some games have tried to address the subject head on, only to end up making things worse. Whether their detailed sex scenes are intended to titillate or add important character development, they all wind up being somewhere between hilarious and terrifying. Like ...
#6. Ride to Hell: Retribution -- Hellish Mannequin Sex
There's a whole lot to hate about Ride to Hell: Retribution, already considered one of the worst games ever made. But the sex scenes in this biker revenge tale almost defy human language, unless you consider incoherent screams of revulsion to be language.
"You know what always turns me on? Ludacris hands." -game designers
Early in the game you can fight a thug harassing a prostitute, and as soon as you knock the guy out, and without any type of transition, the game cuts to a porno groove and a scene of you banging the damsel in distress. It's simply assumed that she would open her legs for you after that, but, you know, that's video games for you. It's only a few seconds into the sex that you realize that someone forgot to animate the characters' faces while they're doing it, resulting in this haunting abomination:
Whatever the opposite of the uncanny valley is called, this is it.
Seriously, did the budget run out while they were making this part? Because they look like they're in a horror reboot of the movie Mannequin.
Luckily the porno groove drowns out the soft flesh-slapping sounds.
Later, after you rescue-fuck a random hooker, you're tasked with tracking down a key. You find out the key is held by a flirty mechanic's ex-husband, so you go beat the shit out of him. The mechanic is so impressed by your ability to dole out unnecessary violence that she immediately comes on to you with a lame line about how she can do a lot more than just start an engine.
And yet operating a simple toothbrush is too complicated.
So you get down and literally dirty in her ex's filthy bed, presumably while the man's unconscious body lies sprawled out nearby. But then, instead of anything vaguely recognizable as sexual arousal, the woman is shown with an expression that looks somewhere between religious fervor, screaming in terror, and letting out a massive turd.
Which is also the same face made by anyone playing this game.
By the way, she's sitting on top of you at this point. Here, let's see it in action!
Apparently her coveralls have an emergency sex hole just for situations like this.
#5. Seaman -- The Mating Ritual of the Bizarre Man-Fish
Yes, the name of the game is Seaman. Which sounds like "semen." Let's get that out of the way fast, because that's actually the least weird thing about it. Half life simulator, half art game, and all batshit insanity, this Dreamcast game tasks players with raising fish with human faces and mannerisms. As the game progresses, you'll find yourself with one male and one female Seaman, although we'll be damned if we can tell them apart.
For most species, the forehead dick is a dead giveaway, but in this case they both have it.
Being curious young fish-monsters with confusing new emotions and feelings, they soon explore the process of mating. And yes, you get to watch. You get to watch when they do it, and then every night after in your nightmares.
It's too late to close your eyes. Far too late.
After saying something seductive like "let the mating begin," one Seaman floats over to the other and they connect head tentacles. The top Seaman then begins pumping ... something into the other to the rhythm of what sounds like a heartbeat. This lasts for about a minute, by the way, and they just float there grinning at you the whole time. Fun fact: If you accidentally think of something sexy while watching this and get an erection, your brain will be permanently broken.
NS ... FW?
As the two detach with a gross suction cup noise, the one on top says something about "leaving some seamen behind" (we've been over this, dammit) and then immediately keels over and fucking dies. The developers could have made these fictional creatures reproduce in any way they wanted -- they could have been born out of question-mark blocks, like Yoshis. Someone made an intentional choice to put fatal forehead tentacle sex in this game.
This game was funded by Mothers for Abstinence.
To make matters worse, Seaman is controlled with a microphone, and gamers have conversations with the sometimes rude and sarcastic beings that should not be. So, sometimes the male Seaman will be complaining about the annoyances of modern life and then say "I think I'd like to make a baby" without missing a beat. That's life, kids -- one moment you're upset about cellphones, the next you're shooting genetic material into your partner's tentacle and dropping dead.
#4. Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas -- "Hot Coffee" Is Less Porn Scene, More Body Horror
Remember the great "Hot Coffee" scandal of 2005, where an unused sex mini-game was discovered in the code of Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas and the media went apeshit? Hillary Clinton claimed this was proof that games like GTA were inappropriate for children, because our nation's innocent young angels shouldn't have their wholesome car theft and hobo murder interrupted by pixelated boobs.
Of course, those gamers who were curious/horny enough to actually play the Hot Coffee mini-game probably realized right away why it was cut in the first place -- this thing is about as erotic as getting bludgeoned in the nuts with an iron.
Which might explain the face.
The scene begins with the girlfriend of main character CJ inviting him to her place for some "hot coffee," but apparently she's all out, so they settle for intercourse. In the final version of the game, you just hear a few saucy sounds while the camera pans over the exterior of the house, but with the mini-game unlocked, you get to control the sexy action directly. The gruesome, nightmarish action.
A rare instance when fan-made Rule 34 is probably less disturbing looking.
For starters, CJ's crotch is apparently a portal to an alternate dimension, as your girlfriend's breasts immediately vanish into them as she fellates thin air (he never even opens his fly). Once the empty space where his penis should be is suitably aroused, you move to the main event. Here you can control the position and camera angle as CJ and his lady friend slip through each other's bodies, the two becoming one in the worst way possible.
The excitement meter grades on a curve.
As the sweaty 45 seconds of lovemaking draw to a close, the scene shifts from ridiculous to terrifying -- CJ's O-face is less "I am enjoying this orgasm" and more "I have seen the Lovecraftian horrors that lurk in the shadows and wait to devour mankind, and they will haunt me until my dying breath."