7 Items You Won't Believe Are Actually Legal

#3. The Ragnar Benson Collection

Holy Shit, Really?

Really, it's nothing more than a collection of self-help books. However, rather than dealing with broken sinks, flat tires and cracked siding, Mr. Benson's books focus on things that are somewhat more... insane. If you've ever wanted to know how to build a landmine, shoot down military helicopters, survive an atomic holocaust or make your own anti-tank rifle, the Ragnar Benson collection is for you. Ragnar's works include:

David's Tool Kit: A Citizen's Guide to Taking Out Big Brother's Heavy Weapons
Long Term Survival in the Coming Dark Age - Preparing to Live after Society Crumbles
Modern Weapons Caching: A Down-To-Earth Approach To Beating The Government Gun Grab
New And Improved C-4: Better-Than-Ever Recipes For Half The Money And Double the Fun.

And, for those of you who read Mantrapping and mastered its tenets, there's the ever-popular The Most Dangerous Game: Advanced Mantrapping Techniques.

Where Can I Get Some?

Loompanics Unlimited, the radical anti-establishment publishing house that published Benson's books, is unfortunately out of business. Some of them are available from Paladin Press. Almost everything Benson has written is also available for free on the Internet. We'd provide the link here, but we're fairly certain such an action would land us on even more government watch lists then we're already on.

WARNING: While Benson's books are legal in the United States, possessing or reading any of them makes you look as suspicious as your creepy neighbor who stockpiles fertilizer and blasting caps.

The average owner of Benson's books looks a lot like this.

What Should I Do With Them?

We don't advise you to actually do anything with Mr. Benson's books. While they are a fascinating read, many of things he tells you how to do are very, very illegal. If you do end up purchasing his works, we recommend setting them out on your coffee table. Imagine the conversations they will inspire!

Guest: "Mantrapping"? What on earth is this?!
You: Only the best guide to trapping and subduing human beings in the world!
Guest: Does this have something to do with all the home-made claymores in your front yard?

Holy Balls, Why is this Legal?

That pesky 1st Amendment makes it pretty difficult for the government to ban a book just because it has instructions for baking Pyrex explosives and crippling the drive system of an M1 Abrams. This is a good thing. People like Mr. Benson are a yardstick for measuring the extent of our civil liberties. As long as he can keep distributing his work, we here at Cracked won't have to worry about our right to continue mocking the government with list-based humor.

#2. The Mini-Gun

Holy Shit, Really?

Quite possibly the most deadly infantry weapon ever designed. The M134 General Electric Minigun is an incredibly badass-looking gun with the capacity of firing up to one-hundred-and-sixty-six times per second. In case you haven't fully realized the power of that statement, allow us to illustrate it.

We have no idea what this is, but it was one of the first results when we did a Google Image search for '166.' Just imagine these things are almost two hundred bullets heading towards your face every second.

Where Can I Get One?

Unfortunately, there are only something like eleven civilian-legal miniguns in the USA. Most of them are in private hands, but one occasionally comes back up on the market. The going rate for your average minigun is around $400,000. But that's not the only expense you'll have. The minigun will require an extensive mounting system. Contrary to what you have heard, firing one of these by yourself would lead to severe blunt trauma, and a huge machine gun shooting wildly into the air. It's also going to be expensive to feed: one second of firing the minigun will set you back about sixty bucks. That's $3600 for a full minute of shooting.

On the plus side, Bill Gates won't have to worry about muggers.

What Should I Do With Them?

If you're asking us this question, then you are obviously retardedly wealthy. We recommend purchasing a fleet of golden limousines, coating them in tannerite and then shooting them into flames with golden bullets. Firing this weapon for any length of time is an act of such ridiculous decadence that no other behavior you engage in will seem even the least bit indulgent.

You can use this to hunt the dodos that live on your private island.

Holy Balls, Why is it Legal?

The National Firearms Act states that any fully automatic weapons constructed before 1986 are legal for a civilian possessing a Class 2 permit to own. The few miniguns that were on the market by then remained legal, and have been circulating around the country for years. No crimes have ever been reported committed by a minigun-wielding criminal, which might be because billionaires so rarely hold up 7-11's. So, until Ted Turner finally snaps, mounts a GE Minigun on his golden H2 and guns down a muffin kiosk, you can expect the 11 or so miniguns on the market to remain legal.

#1. Thermite

Holy Shit, Really?

Thermite is a composite, aluminum and metal oxide based powder. When ignited, it can reach temperatures of up to 2500 degrees Fahrenheit. For reference, that's close to half the temperature of the chucklefucking Sun. Thermite is most commonly used to cut through very strong metal, like the kind you find in the frame of a skyscraper or the body of a T-800.

Where Can I Get Some?

One way would be to start your own demolitions company. If that seems a little too time-consuming, you can always just make your own. All you need is rust and aluminum fillings. Refining and mixing them properly is kind of a chore, but it requires no more equipment then an average homeowner has in his kitchen. For the curious, you can find a concise recipe here, and pretty soon you'll have one of the hottest and most dangerous 'mites known to man, next to Dolemite.


Dolemite, mothafucka!

What Should I Do With It?

Thermite requires an incredibly hot flame to light it. Even a blowtorch won't quite do the trick. Magnesium is pretty much the only easily available substance that burns hot enough to set off thermite. You can find small bricks of the stuff in sporting goods stores.

Once you have your thermite and ignition source, there are a whole bunch of fun things to do. For example, have you ever had your parking space stolen by some asshole in an ugly old Yugo?

Holy Balls, Why is it Legal?

Thermite isn't explosive, and it is extremely stable. Anyone attempting to commit crimes with it would be limited to very small-scale property destruction. We suppose thermite would be useful for disposing of corpses in a clandestine fashion, but so is lye soap and a hotel bathtub.
In case, you know... you needed to know that.

More of Robert's writing can be found at TheDeadBeat.org.

For more insane creations, check out 5 Insane Devices From Kids Cartoons (That Actually Exist). Or find out some ways other than salvia to numb your brain, in Nectar of the Broke: The World's 5 Worst Ways To Get Drunk.

And visit Cracked.com's Top Picks because one of those 11 miniguns belongs to us.

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