The 4 Goofiest Curses from the Bible
If you want a badass curse, just read the Bible. Killer bears, plagues, rivers of blood, mothers eating their babies -- the Bible doesn't mess around. Unless it's one of the following curses. Then it's totally messing around ...
Stealing the Ark Means Hemorrhoids
After a particularly nasty spree of killing Israelites, the Philistines take the Ark of the Covenant to Ashdod. What happens next is like something straight out of a movie where people are cursed with hemorrhoids:
"The men that died not were smitten with the hemorrhoids; and the cry of the city went up to heaven. - Samuel 5:12
OK, that's not a type of movie that actually exists, but if it were, this is the disgusting Bible verse it would be based on.
Jesus Gets Cranky When He's Hungry
Restaurant workers hate the demanding customer who arrives after the kitchen's closed. He's hungry, dammit, and he's not leaving until he yells at everyone. With Jesus, replace "restaurant" with "tree" and "bitching at the waitstaff" with "fucking shit up."
"And seeing a fig tree by the road, He came to it and found nothing on it but leaves, and said to it, 'Let no fruit grow on you ever again.' Immediately the fig tree withered away. - Matthew 21:18-21 (King James)
The Disciples somehow managed to avoid the obvious "Why are you being such a dick?" line of questioning in favor of "Wow! How did you do that?" Then again, if you are hanging out with a guy who can destroy a tree by yelling at it, stay on his good side. As you can see ...
... a hungry Jesus is a cranky Jesus.
God Poops on You
It can be very hard for a minor prophet to stand out, which is probably why Malachi goes directly to the scat.
"Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces." - Malachi 2:3 (King James)
For some reason, Malachi remains a fairly minor character in the story after this incident.
Curse via Note
After a lifetime of slaughtering pagans and destroying kings, Prophet Elijah was ready to settle down, ride some flying chariots and attend Pesach Seders, which could explain his style in regard to King Jehoram:
"And there came a writing to him from Elijah the prophet." - 2 Chronicles 21:12
Even though it's the standard biblical curse -- plagues, loss of family and bowels dropping out -- Elijah could have made an effort beyond sending a note. Basic etiquette requires a face-to-face when telling a king that he will soon shit himself to death. This is the biblical equivalent of breaking up with someone via text message.
Tim Lieder owns Dybbuk Press, where he has edited and published eight books, including She Nailed a Stake Through His Head: Tales of Biblical Terror.