8 B.S. News Stories That Fooled Your Friends (Part 21)
Every week or so, we at Cracked get the privilege of shining a light on how shitty real journalists are at double-checking their sources. And thanks to that convenient but dangerous "share" button, half of these news stories made the rounds before anyone thought twice about investigating whether somebody excavated the facts from a bull's colon.
Apple Is Not Making Smart Ear Pods
Most tech rumors exist somewhere in the purgatory between "kind of plausible" and "fucking goofy," but also don't tend to break out to sites like the Guardian until they become official, right?
"Scientists hope to use data to develop cure for dealing with Apple users."
Considering the Guardian's record when it comes to exposing leaks, it appears that we're now going to have magic health headphones courtesy of Steve Jobs' secret clone brain. Along with the Guardian and the Wire, the story has broken on pretty much every tech page like Digital Trends and PC Pro, despite one glaringly obvious flaw. Let's just scroll down a bit on that Guardian report ...
Yep. The "leak" that's been tearing the lid off the tech world is a single anonymous post on the Secret app, which looks like this:
"He totally described a feature name with a lower case 'i' in front. You can't just make up things like that."
Unsurprisingly, this anonymous posting on a random app turned out to be less than true. But at least we have an official time stamp for the total annihilation of credible journalism.
Chinese Teens Aren't Taking Cabbages Out on Walks Because They Are Lonely
For a society that loves laughing at other peoples' inability to detect satire, it's kind of insane how often we keep seeing stories like this coming out of China:
"Still not as bad as Korea's kimchi Real Dolls."
We'll give you a moment to consider the 12,000 mouth-breathing share clicks this Metro story apparently warranted, as several of such sharers were the Daily Star and the Huffington Post completely failing to consider the idea that maybe, just fucking maybe, cabbage walking isn't something that actually exists.
Only later did HuffPo update their story after learning that the photos were part of a performance art piece, not proof that China is populated with dopey cartoon characters, as the media seems to be insisting.
Straight Men Aren't All Cuddling With Each Other
Rejoice, men! That DL comforter comrade you've been snuggling while binge-watching True Detective isn't so abnormal after all, because apparently nearly all straight men like to cuddle with other dudes.
"Bros before hoes. Always."
That shit is from Medical Daily -- which along with Inquisitr, San Francisco Weekly, and our good friends at the Huffington Post -- cites a report from the U.K. that anyone not currently spooning their poker buddy is the weird one. Or, more specifically, football buddy:
Feeling a bit left out? That's OK, friend -- turns out the 95 percent of straight athletes is out of a survey of fucking 40 students out of a country of 63 million. Meaning that "SCIENCE SAYS EVERY MAN CUDDLES!" is actually just the results of one now really awkward class project.
Enough With the "Japan Says Godzilla Is Fat" Crap
And look! According to Japan, we've once again managed to fuck up Godzilla. The movie's not even out yet!
"That's what happens when you have him eat obese Americans."
So according to "Japan" (they apparently polled the entire country?) the new Godzilla is more like a Fatzilla. That's at least how it was reported by Time, Yahoo, the Independent, Rocket News, Digital Times, the Hollywood Reporter, Moviefone, and Kotaku, who all cite the same source: a handful of anonymous posts on a Japanese message board called 2ch. In other words, an entire nation's distaste for American Godzilla can be boiled down to what may or may not be multiple posts by the same person on a random forum. Had Japan practiced the same journalism standards, everyone over there would be treated to a headline like "America Thinks The New Ninja Turtles Look Gay, PENISDICK!!!111 LOL [eggplant emoji]"
Teens Aren't Suddenly Rubbing Lip Balm on Their Eyes
Hey kids, ever hear of "Beezin"? Of course you have, because the news says so:
We suppose we should be thankful they had enough integrity to stay away from a "getting buzzed" headline.
That's right, the cool new deadly trend of putting lip balm on your eyelids is so hot and fresh that it somehow went back in time three years to write an Urban Dictionary entry about itself. That's why it has completely exploded on sites like Time, UPI, the Examiner, and the NY Daily News as the craze teens are all "supposedly" or "apparently" lining up for, the translation being that this all came from a single local news source that cites "a quick search on YouTube and Twitter" as their evidence of this growing movement. No, really, that's actually where this started. Hey everybody, remember when Time magazine was relevant?
Minneapolis Didn't Rename Columbus Day
"Ones upon ones outraged."
Reported in several other local affiliations, after determining how precisely fuck all Columbus had contributed to the founding of America, the city went ahead and red-lined that shit in exchange for the more apt Indigenous Peoples Day. At least according to every single headline, which more often than not also links directly to the proposal ...
... which oddly enough says absolutely nothing about renaming Columbus Day -- but rather the fact that they will recognize both events on the same day. You could say we're splitting hairs ... only if that hair was part of some federally protected wig.
We're Not in the Midst of a Herpes Plague
Looks like there's more to fear than jellyfish-stung junk this summer. That stranger you're railing on the beach might also have herpes!
Even if that "stranger" is just your own hand!
That's right, you disgusting fucks! According to an article by Vox, 70 percent of all Americans have herpes and don't even realize it! This means that if you look to the dicks on your left and on your right, chances are both of them are infected, right?
Actually, no. Because the Vox article is mostly talking about the 57.7 percent of people with HSV-1 -- otherwise known as cold sores -- and for good measure using the worst math possible. The 70 percent conclusion came from taking that 57.7 percent and adding to it the 17 percent of people who have genital herpes, something any ninth grade math student could tell you is a big fat load.
Matt Damon Is Not Going to Be Aquaman
While casting rumors happen all the damn time, they tend to spawn from some sliver of truth, right? Take the recent news of a potential Justice League film featuring Batman and Aquaman going at it like a couple of knucklehead Southies.
"He now uses a broken Sam Adams bottle instead of a trident."
The rumor in question spread quicker than a Hahvaaad broad as it hit not only every movie and comic book source but also news sites like Yahoo and the Boston Globe. This caused someone to ask Matt Damon about it during a Water.org campaign. This all apparently came from a rumor from Jeff Sneider at the Wrap, whose evidence was -- and we're quoting -- "One casting rumor that has been circulating around Hollywood for more than a year is that Affleck's close friend and collaborator Matt Damon is being sought to play Aquaman."
Wait. So the rumor came from another guy mentioning the rumor? Where did that rumor come from?
Oh. You again.
Oh, right, the totally long bullshit report that Bryan Cranston would be playing Lex Luthor and Matt Damon would be Aquaman from last year. But hey, it's not like we can blame every news site for reporting on a rumor about an old rumor because they put "rumor" in front of their headline. Integrity solved!
Special thanks to ChrisRio for finding the China cabbage story.