5 Ways the Earth Itself Is Going Insane
There are little things we tend to take for granted, namely that the Earth beneath our feet won't just open up one day and try to kill us (or that the sky won't suddenly start throwing rocks at our heads).
However, our planet is an anxiety-ridden bastard that's constantly shifting in its seat and violently rearranging our geography in the process -- and there is absolutely nothing we can do about it. No one knows that better than the people who recently witnessed pants-shitting moments like ...
A Huge Wall Just Emerges From the Ground in the Philippines
In October, a devastating 7.1-magnitude earthquake rocked the island nation of the Philippines, breaking down giant structures and, as if to balance out its karma in the most terrifying way possible, suddenly erecting a new one. On the island of Bohol, the Earth itself rose up, creating a 10-foot-high and several-mile-long barrier, like an undead Berlin Wall coming back for revenge.
Or a giant cartoon bunny trying to get to Albuquerque.
But how long is it, exactly? They don't know yet. Locals reported that they'd gone for three miles in each direction and had yet to reach its end. Assuming, of course, it isn't just a really big circle they've been going around again and again.
An Entire Lake Suddenly Disappears in Bosnia
Villagers of the quiet little rustic town of Sanica, Bosnia-Herzegovina, simultaneously went "BULLSHIT" one day last month when they stepped out of their homes and saw that the local lake had simply vanished.
"The cops say they can't do anything until it's been 24 hours."
The eight-meter pond suddenly metamorphosed into a 30-meter hole, with displaced fish flopping out to their deaths and all. Scientists say it could have been caused by drying underground water currents or changes in the soil drainage, but the villagers have way better theories: It was either an underground cave and/or volcano, a wayward suicidal fish had triggered an old bomb buried since World War II, or a curse left by the lake's owner, who died a month earlier.
"He did say something about a deal with the Muscovite mole people."
Russian Road Blasts Open and Crashes Into Car
Back in February, we found out the real reason why pretty much every car in Russia has a dashboard camera: to immortalize them as they witness a meteorite falling right in front of them without even flinching. Last month, a Russian driver recorded another apocalyptic sight, although this time the terror came from the ground instead of the sky:
"He clearly wasn't going to stop for that light. I've had enough of this shit." -God
As the car eases behind the next stoplight, the camera catches the road exploding outward with a fountain of water, forcing the next unsuspecting car to crash into it head-on ... and then life continues, as if nothing happened.
"Hey, is that a new McDonald's?"
Apparently, a water main break was the cause of the road's perfectly timed concrete fart, showing us that in Russia, even the roads will crash into you.
Singapore-Sized Iceberg Breaks off Antarctica, Floats Away
Three weeks ago, NASA reported that a chunk of ice the size of Singapore said, "Fuck this noise, I'm out," and broke off of Antarctica, drifting into the Southern Ocean for its summer vacation into global warming.
"You'll always hold a part of me, but I think we should see other continents."
For reference, this is Singapore, a country populated by huge-ass skyscrapers and 5.3 million people:
The solution is simple: Singapore gets to host the world's biggest margarita mixer.
At 270 square miles, the country-sized ice cube dwarfs all other icebergs in the surrounding area. The effects of its eventual melting include the rise of ocean levels, massive threats to shipping lanes, and messing up ocean currents. On the other hand, if it doesn't melt, we already know where the next Bond villain will set up his roving headquarters.
Volcanic Rocks Rain Down in Sicily
Imagine you're walking down the street and out of nowhere someone throws a rock at you. And then another. And then 50 more. Soon you realize that it's God himself who hates you, as hundreds of thousands of little rocks rain down from the heavens. That's what happened in Sicily when the resident volcano, Mount Etna, erupted last November. Granted, this isn't the first time this has happened, but it's one thing to see pictures of the mess and quite another to watch it in action:
How do the citizens react? By taking out their umbrellas and turning on the wipers in their cars, as store owners sweep the volcanic death off their roads. We take it back, it's not just Russians who are insane -- it's all of Europe.
"Gene Kelly was a pussy."
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