5 Products To Celebrate Valentine's Day With Pure Horror

The resulting marriage between the highest and lowest technologies is a union you wouldn't call holy, unless you were referring to actual holes.
5 Products To Celebrate Valentine's Day With Pure Horror

For single people, this is a hard time of year, and not in the good way. Seeing all those happy couples makes you just want to beat them over the head with an industrial-sized dildo, but you can't, because that's probably a brand-new crime that they haven't even named yet, so they would name it after you. You can, however, do the next-best thing and beat yourself with that dildo -- there's nothing wrong with loving yourself, even (especially) in the biblical sense.

Except when there is. Sometimes there very, very much is, particularly when science decides that the whole curing cancer thing is a total snoozefest and that coming up with inventive new ways to whack off is where it's at. The resulting marriage between the highest and lowest technologies is a union you wouldn't call holy, unless you were referring to actual holes.

Teddy Love: The Teddy Bear That Loves Back (With Oral Sex)

It used to be common sense that, if you're into fucking teddy bears, that is strictly between you and the poor sack of cotton whose innocence you've defiled. That's clearly not the stance of the terrifying brains behind Teddy Love, the world's first toy bear that gets covered in bodily fluids by design, not by accident.

Easy to use controls located in the ears put you in charge. Dual vibrating muzzle puts you in 10 different speeds of heaven. Lor Teddy TEDDY LOVE. www

"And me in 10 levels of hell."

Teddy Ruxpin's gigolo cousin up there was created by the husband and wife team of Wendy Adams and Robert Harmon. Adams suggests, "You can leave it out in plain sight, and you can cuddle with it," cleverly targeting the much-neglected "people who want guests, including probably children, unwittingly fondling their crusty fuck socks" market. If you're confused about why you need a specially designed teddy bear to hump, when presumably any old discard who's fallen on hard times and started working the corner of Al's Toy Barn would do, well, we're right there with you. What makes this guy special, though, is that he's got "a protruding tongue that vibrates at a high frequency when you press on its right ear," according to the article, so it's actually remarkably human in that respect. Simply stick the bear's tongue in your favorite orifice and let it go to town.

Harmon says, "The best part about it is it doesn't have to come up for air." OK, first of all -- yes, you know what really sucks about having sex with other humans? The fact that they have a pulse. Second: Make up your minds. Are we supposed to cuddle this thing or mercilessly suffocate it along with our ability to feel feelings? The bizarrely classy ads on the official website seem to suggest it's the latter:


"Neither is dignity."

That's right, feelings and human relationships are for peasants -- truly sophisticated people fuck bow-tie-wearing plushies.

A Sound-Activated Vibrator That's Also a Vocal Coach

Some things make sense to combine: shampoo and conditioner, peanut butter and jelly, your teeth and the still-beating hearts of your enemies, etc. "Taking voice lessons" and "having orgasms" aren't two activities people typically do at the same time, but that didn't stop this thing from being made:

LELO Followw e el Oficla We are extremely pleased to introduce #LeloSiri2 #lelo #MusicVibrator buff.ly/1ATaNor SIRIT 2 THE MUSIC VIBRATOR LELO

How the fuck do you not name it The Vibrato?

The Lelo Siri 2 (a sequel to a vibrator from 2010, not Apple's chatty AI from 2011) is a two-in-one device that can be used for stimulating your vocal chords as well as your more sensitive parts -- you used to have to get a rib removed if you wanted to get such comprehensive throat/genitalia action. The company boasts that it "comes with eight vibration patterns inspired by musical genres such as classical, reggae, rumba, and techno" ... wait, who the hell masturbates while listening to rumba? That sounds like an excellent recipe for breaking something important down there.

Frank Micelotta/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images

We can't even chalk it up to sexy rumba stars, since Tito Puente played mambo.

Fortunately, if the supplied musical styles aren't your sexual jam, you can always set the Siri 2 to respond to sound, turn on some Marvin Gaye, and let it do its thing in time to the beat. It also, of course, responds to your voice, so you can simply talk yourself (or a friend) off. Admittedly, it's a great thing to have around in case of a date who won't shut up.

And finally, yeah, there are seriously vocal health aficionados who use this brand of dildo to exercise their throat muscles. Apparently, if your dream is to sound like James Earl Jones, you have to be willing to get the occasional pube stuck on your neck.

You Can Now Have Sex With a Disembodied Mouth, Finally

We recently told you about the Vajankle, which is exactly what it sounds like, if you immediately assume the worst of everything you hear: a severed plastic foot with a vagina on it, for those who think Quentin Tarantino's foot fetish is too mild. Well, apparently the "amputated body parts" market is much bigger and more diverse than anyone realized, hence this nightmarish vision:

5 Products To Celebrate Valentine's Day With Pure Horror

Yep. Did you get a good look at it? Are you sure? Because there's more where that came from.

5 Products To Celebrate Valentine's Day With Pure Horror

Fun Fact: This image has no sound; that's you screaming right now.

That is the Magic Eyes La Bocca Della Verita Realistic Blow Job Stroker, a terrifyingly life-like approximation of a human mouth that is only a mouth, because why not? Presumably, that ridiculously long name is the magical incantation used to summon the fuck-demon that turned a real person into this thing. As creepy as it may be, you have to admire the level of detail. If you look closely, you'll notice that not only does this BJ simulator include plastic teeth and a tongue, it also features the ridges on top of the mouth and even the uvula hanging at the end -- always the sexiest part of oral sex.

5 Products To Celebrate Valentine's Day With Pure Horror

"Kul muh ... Kul muh ..."

And, sure, taking away the sexually useful parts of the face and leaving behind anything resembling a person sounds like some serial-killer shit, but look at it this way: According to the (NSFW) product box, that face belongs to an anime character, so maybe it's all for the best.

5 Products To Celebrate Valentine's Day With Pure Horror

There's a Virtual Orgy World for Oculus Rift

What do you get when you combine Oculus Rift (an amazing virtual reality technology people are using for porn) with Second Life (a complex virtual world filled with perverts)? The answer is a congregation of awkward 3D boobs and boners called Red Light Center.


"Over tens of users involved in those 1,000 weddings!"

RLC is a Second Life-like virtual world, with the difference that 1) it's Oculus Rift-compatible, and 2) no one pretends they signed up for any other reason than to participate in virtual orgies. They seem a little confused about where orgies typically happen, though, because most of the action appears to take place in strip clubs. (Hint: In real life it's usually someone's musty basement.) Nevertheless, CEO Brian Shuster boasts that users can participate in pole dancing, lap dancing, and even hardcore activities. "You walk into a gentlemen's club, and you feel like you are there." Question for RedLightCenter.com users: You know you can walk into a strip club in real life, too, right? Nobody's going to stop you, and you can be 100 percent certain that you're interacting with a real naked woman and not a middle-aged man or, like, a dog who learned to type or something.

Also, did we mention that this site has 1 million active users? Are you at all worried about making it rain on your mom?

5 Products To Celebrate Valentine's Day With Pure Horror

"Re: Fwd: FWD: Impeach Obama MUST READ!!!"
"... Nana?"

Red Light Center has its own currency, items, and the ability to "buy virtual goods and services" -- mostly sex-related, but there are other available jobs, like DJ or, disturbingly, teacher. Shuster says they're even working on technology that "gives you the sensation of touching or being touched by someone in a remote location," but it's kind of hard to work out how they expect to get a long-distance handjob without the aid of some kind of sexbot. Gulp, it's time for our next entry ...

Sex Robots Are Terrifyingly Imminent (and Just Terrifying)

A Japanese company called Orient Industries, a name that we're pretty sure is kind of racist, has produced a line of sex dolls that it way too proudly boasts are "arguably not distinguishable from the real thing." Talking about his "Dutch Wives," which we're positive is very racist, company spokesman Osami Seto sounds like a cross between Dr. Frankenstein and Buffalo Bill: "The two areas we identified as really needing improvement were the skin and the eyes," he says, and Jesus Christ, horrible mission accomplished. They're so realistic that dental students have taken to roboticizing the dolls for "practice."

5 Products To Celebrate Valentine's Day With Pure Horror
DigInfo TV

Thus proving even robots hate going to the dentist.

Toshiba seems to have taken their thoroughly disturbing lead, unveiling a "robot hostess" that "looks, talks, sings, and cries like a Japanese woman," IBTimes reports. This raises questions nobody wanted to ask, like whether Japanese women cry differently from other women and under what circumstances this robot might do so, but thankfully she's not actually a sexbot. Nope, Orient Industries is on top of that! Their "Party Doll" one-ups Toshiba with a built-in table to rest your beer on. This cannot be overemphasized: She is a human-shaped table. And you don't wanna know what happens to the beer next. Do you? Really? OK, but remember you asked:

You can squeeze her exquisite right breast and then the drink stored in the table compartment will come out of her left breast. In other words, Orient Industry has created a sex doll that is also a drink dispenser, and so the perfect party companion.

5 Products To Celebrate Valentine's Day With Pure Horror

We don't wanna know about the male version.

Yep, that's what we're all looking for in a partner: a piece of furniture that squirts sake. When the aliens come and demand to know how everything went so wrong, you know where to point them.

Find out how Manna's recovering on Twitter.

Be sure to also check out 4 Sexual Aides That Were Clearly Designed by Maniacs and The 5 Most Important Things They Never Taught You in Sex Ed.

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