The 5 Most Insanely Apocalyptic Photos of America Right Now

No, those are not stills from a new M. Night Shyamalan/Marky Mark collaboration. The current drought (which slowly took shape beginning in 2010 for parts of New Mexico, Texas, Oklahoma, and Colorado) has given birth to mountains of orphan tumbleweed. Normally, herds of cattle would be used to get rid of the tumbling weed, but this isn't "normally" -- because of the drought, ranchers don't have enough water to keep enough animals alive, so the only way humanity can fight back against this formidable enemy is with trucks. As in, trucks to push the tumbleweeds elsewhere.

AP
The truck went inside the mountain and came out the other side carrying skeletons.

You might be thinking, "Well, why don't they just burn them?" They do, sometimes, but then they run the risk of accidentally combining a mountain of burning tumbleweed with a dust devil and ending up with this abomination from Satan's laughing ass crack itself:

youtube.com
Luckily, the heat quickly dried the pee on their pants.

Holy shit, that's why all those old towns in the Scooby-Doo cartoons are empty: The tumbleweeds killed everyone.

And it's not just Texas: Last week, a giant dust storm in New Mexico killed six people. Even in Nevada, where these things are pretty rare, the dust made an entire city fade out like a McFly family photo. Here's a time lapse:

ITN
"Suck it, David Copperfield."

We've gotten to the point where some parts of Texas and other drought-ridden states are about 10 percent drier than the infamous Dust Bowl of the 1930s. So basically, get out your zombie survival kits and repackage them with gallons and gallons of water. Oh, and fluffy dusters.

And here's that same satellite image adjusted to the now:

NASA
Nevada and Oregon have tried to stage an intervention, but California keeps insisting it can stop whenever it wants to.

California looks like what happens to your shoe after you scrape all the flattened grass and petrified dog shit off the bottom. Unfortunately, in this case there are several million Californians who need that grass and poop to live. So how bad do things have to be for this to happen? Imagine the lowest rainfall year on record as a line on the wall, beneath all the other records of all the other years. Now halve that, and that's what California is going through right now.

Or imagine a big lake suddenly down to only 17 percent of its capacity in less than three years. Actually, you don't have to imagine that, because here it is:

NASA

Then you've got Mount Shasta, which should have been blanketed in snow in January, but had lost a ton since November:

NASA
Just as the documentary series Shasta McNasty predicted.

And all those wildfires you've been seeing on TV? You can also see them from space, giving the impression that California itself is so stressed from all this shit that it just said "Fuck it, give me a smoke":

Jeff Schmaltz/MODIS Rapid Response Team
"Or two. I'm also smoking out of my butthole in this metaphor."

Then, of course, you have the beautiful and luscious Folsom Lake in California, which is more like ugly and barren now that it's at 17 percent capacity, looking like a malnourished Chihuahua to the golden retriever of its past. And underneath all that water? An entire abandoned gold rush town, previously known as Mormon Island, that hadn't been seen since the mid-1800s ...

khou.com

... which leads us to another bizarre side effect of this drought: Prospectors are flocking back to California to look for gold in the newly dry places (hopefully with less slavery and dysentery this time around).

Even scarier? Freaking firenadoes:

Sky News
Coming soon to SyFy.

Nope, unfortunately for your peace of mind, "firenado" is not a word we just made up: These are actual tornadoes of fire that were filmed raging around Carlsbad only a couple of weeks ago, which is what happens when God gets a little extra pissed at the masturbators out there.

Fox News
"I give you Rescue Rangers, and you give me Rule 34? Fuck you."

Firenadoes are pretty hard to fight, probably because even a seasoned firefighter would be a little distracted going "HOLY SHIT WHAT AM I LOOKING AT" to aim efficiently. But you know, even if they can't turn them off, they can just wait until the next time it rai- dammit.

The third part of XJ's epic science fiction novel is out now on Amazon. The first $0.99 novella can be found here, with Part 2 out here. Or leave a review and get a free copy! Poke him on Twitter and follow him on Facebook.