#4. Teens Aren't Suddenly Rubbing Lip Balm on Their Eyes
Hey kids, ever hear of "Beezin"? Of course you have, because the news says so:
We suppose we should be thankful they had enough integrity to stay away from a "getting buzzed" headline.
That's right, the cool new deadly trend of putting lip balm on your eyelids is so hot and fresh that it somehow went back in time three years to write an Urban Dictionary entry about itself. That's why it has completely exploded on sites like Time, UPI, the Examiner, and the NY Daily News as the craze teens are all "supposedly" or "apparently" lining up for, the translation being that this all came from a single local news source that cites "a quick search on YouTube and Twitter" as their evidence of this growing movement. No, really, that's actually where this started. Hey everybody, remember when Time magazine was relevant?
#3. Minneapolis Didn't Rename Columbus Day
"Ones upon ones outraged."
Reported in several other local affiliations, after determining how precisely fuck all Columbus had contributed to the founding of America, the city went ahead and red-lined that shit in exchange for the more apt Indigenous Peoples Day. At least according to every single headline, which more often than not also links directly to the proposal ...
... which oddly enough says absolutely nothing about renaming Columbus Day -- but rather the fact that they will recognize both events on the same day. You could say we're splitting hairs ... only if that hair was part of some federally protected wig.
#2. We're Not in the Midst of a Herpes Plague
Looks like there's more to fear than jellyfish-stung junk this summer. That stranger you're railing on the beach might also have herpes!
Even if that "stranger" is just your own hand!
That's right, you disgusting fucks! According to an article by Vox, 70 percent of all Americans have herpes and don't even realize it! This means that if you look to the dicks on your left and on your right, chances are both of them are infected, right?
Actually, no. Because the Vox article is mostly talking about the 57.7 percent of people with HSV-1 -- otherwise known as cold sores -- and for good measure using the worst math possible. The 70 percent conclusion came from taking that 57.7 percent and adding to it the 17 percent of people who have genital herpes, something any ninth grade math student could tell you is a big fat load.
#1. Matt Damon Is Not Going to Be Aquaman
While casting rumors happen all the damn time, they tend to spawn from some sliver of truth, right? Take the recent news of a potential Justice League film featuring Batman and Aquaman going at it like a couple of knucklehead Southies.
"He now uses a broken Sam Adams bottle instead of a trident."
The rumor in question spread quicker than a Hahvaaad broad as it hit not only every movie and comic book source but also news sites like Yahoo and the Boston Globe. This caused someone to ask Matt Damon about it during a Water.org campaign. This all apparently came from a rumor from Jeff Sneider at the Wrap, whose evidence was -- and we're quoting -- "One casting rumor that has been circulating around Hollywood for more than a year is that Affleck's close friend and collaborator Matt Damon is being sought to play Aquaman."
Wait. So the rumor came from another guy mentioning the rumor? Where did that rumor come from?
Oh. You again.
Oh, right, the totally long bullshit report that Bryan Cranston would be playing Lex Luthor and Matt Damon would be Aquaman from last year. But hey, it's not like we can blame every news site for reporting on a rumor about an old rumor because they put "rumor" in front of their headline. Integrity solved!
Special thanks to ChrisRio for finding the China cabbage story.