4 Insane Celebrity Belongings You Won't Believe You Can Buy
There is something about the mystique of celebrity that encourages people to spend an irresponsible amount of money on trivial things. A $40 desk chair suddenly costs more than a college education because Ernest Hemingway sat in it to drink whiskey and hate women. A painting of Burt Reynolds becomes worth more than anyone should ever pay for a painting of Burt Reynolds because it was hanging up in Burt Reynolds' house.
And it doesn't take long for all the "good" stuff (cars, houses, furniture) to get sold at celebrity auctions, which means that anyone who wants to share in pillaging the legend of Marilyn Monroe is going to have to settle for paying thousands of dollars for her broken small appliances and moldy old underwear.
Marilyn Monroe's Bra
Proving once again that the only difference between a celebrity auction and grave-robbing is that we don't call it "grave-robbing," fans of the brief but attractive career of Marilyn Monroe were recently able to scoop up some of her personal belongings in exchange for entirely too much money. Up on the auctioning block were the usual items of memorabilia, including old letters, photographs, a "partially used" tube of eyelash glue, and her blender, which, considering Monroe died 50 years ago, probably doesn't work anymore.
"Pills broke the blades anyway."
Also available for unconscionable purchase was some of Marilyn's clothing. Considering the woman was a fashion icon (and continues to be one more than half a century after her death), this makes way more sense than a half-used tube of face glue. The items pillaged from her personal wardrobe included her "favorite" coat, a black Dior dress, and, oh yeah, one of her old bras.
"Includes certified boob-sweat stains at no additional charge."
Yep, this nude-colored size 36C bra could have been yours for a mere $20,000, which is a pittance for a pair of haunted underwear. We assume the auctioneers politely ignored the fact that the only reason anyone would pay $20K for the bra of a legendary sex symbol is to masturbate into it twice a day until it disintegrates in a cloud of shame dust. We also assume that nobody had the decency to mention that holding a money fight over a dead woman's underpants and private love letters was perhaps not the best way to celebrate her legacy.
Burt Reynolds' Horrifying Portraits of Himself
Because the world is frequently cruel and unfair, the past few decades have reduced Burt Reynolds to the point where he recently had to auction off some of his personal belongings just to stay ahead of his creditors. Although to be fair, we should have known something was wrong when he appeared as the king of a realm in danger of being overrun by Ray Liotta and Matthew Lillard.
But there's a silver lining here -- Burt Reynolds' financial troubles have given birth to the most spectacular catalogue of Hollywood memorabilia ever produced, resulting in a picture book that is essentially more than 250 pages of a Burt Reynolds fever dream. It's just page after vainglorious page of irrefutable proof that Burt Reynolds is the exact person we always imagined him to be. For starters, Burt Reynolds owns a staggering number of paintings of himself, either posed in fanciful settings or assuming the role of alternate-reality Burt Reynoldses.
For example, included in the auction is a portrait of Burt Reynolds as a half-naked cowboy, which admittedly is just another way of saying, "Here's a portrait of Burt Reynolds."
We'll wait while you get a towel to clean up.
Don't bother asking why Burt owned this; now that it's for sale, the only question you need to be asking is, "How much would it cost for me to own this?"
If you're a fan of alternate history, here's a blindingly spectacular re-imagining of Burt Reynolds as a Native American:
"How ... did this happen?"
If that doesn't quite suit your fancy or hang well in the breakfast nook of your house, then allow us to suggest a motivational poster of a track-suited Burt Reynolds declaring his intention to impregnate whomever is currently gazing upon his mustachioed visage:
"We don't even need to have sex. Just look at the cowboy picture again."
If you're in the market for a more introspective representation of the star of Gator, perhaps you'd be interested in bidding on this artistic representation of a Burt Reynolds with entirely too many lumps in his face, as if the skull beneath was just a bowl of viscous bone pudding:
"You adjust the mustache to turn it back-and-forth into a Charles Bronson portrait too. Terrific value."
And finally, here's Burt Reynolds as the shapeshifting alien from The Thing, for reasons that can never possibly be explained:
The artist was just listed as a "V. Kilmer".
We'd like to think there's some kind of Da Vinci code hidden in these paintings that will lead some lucky buyer to a cache of Burt Reynolds treasure locked away inside a hollow Tibetan mountain.
Demonic Osama bin Laden Action Figures
Speaking of ridiculous plots that make no sense, back in 2005 the CIA hatched a scheme to drop a bunch of color-changing Osama bin Laden dolls on Afghanistan. The dolls, designed by G.I. Joe creator Donald Levine, would appear normal at first, but when subjected to intense heat (like, say, the heat of the Afghan desert), Osama's tiny plastic face would change into the crimson, tattooed mask of a hideous demon and/or Sith Lord. At some point, the CIA decided that scary-faced action figures probably wouldn't terrify the enemy into submission, so the project was abandoned with only a handful of prototypes ever produced. And now you can buy one of them!
Of course that asshole would have been a prequel fan.
Well, you could have, had you beaten the winning bidder to the punch and been willing to shell out nearly $12,000 for Scary Osama, which is how much this prototype just sold for at auction. Donald Levine recently passed away, and the doll (with interchangeable heads rather than the color-changing technology that would've theoretically been implemented in the finished product) was found among his personal belongings, which is another way of saying "the doll was found lying alongside Levine's lifeless, horror-stricken body."
A Lost Adolf Hitler Original
It is a well-known fact that Adolf Hitler tried really hard to become a painter before deciding to murder a significant portion of the world's population. Depending on who you ask, he might also have been possessed by demons. Hitler never really got beyond a high school art class level of skill, but fame and infamy drive up the price of all of your bullshit in equal measure, so if for some insane reason you want to have a Hitler original hanging up in your house, you can expect to pay more for it than a fleet of luxury sedans, like this stupid piece of shit that just sold for $161,000:
"It was discovered on the wall of a Bennigan's in 1995."
Besides being a fantastic example of Hitler's inability to understand perspective (compare the size of the man on the corner to the size of the window next to him), the painting was originally purchased back in 1916, which is before Hitler was even on anyone's radar. Two sisters recently discovered the painting among their grandfather's belongings, which suggests either that their grandfather genuinely liked terrible art or that he was Hitler's landlord or something and generously accepted this pile of earth-toned garbage in lieu of rent one month when Hitler was between jobs.
The sisters sold the painting at auction to an anonymous buyer from somewhere in the Middle East, and donated 10 percent of the money to charity, because that apparently makes profiting off of the notoriety of a genocidal buttfart acceptable. There are no clues as to the identity of the anonymous buyer, so it is our responsibility to assume that it is secretly Vampire Hitler, combing the Earth for his lost artwork to fill his sandy tomb.
For further glimpses into the resale abyss, check out The 6 Most Terrifying Items People Actually Collect and 5 Weird Things I Learned Selling My Used Panties on Reddit.