4 Technologies That Let Stalkers Have Virtual Sex With You
More than half of Americans older than 16 are now single, which is the first time there have been more singles than non-singles in America since the government cruelly started keeping track of that information 40 years ago. Whether it's because the current generation is terrible at relationships or just doesn't like being tied down for too long, the end result is a churning, jealous ocean of ex-boyfriends and -girlfriends posting cryptic song lyrics on Facebook and driving through their former squeezes' neighborhoods with their headlights turned off.
But thanks to 21st-century technological innovations, jilted exes now have a whole new array of methods to creepily cling to their past relationships, which is another way of saying that, in all probability, someone you used to date is putting your face on a talking robot right this second.
Match.com Will Find You Someone Who Looks Like Your Ex
So let's say you just broke up with your significant other and you want to get back into the dating scene, but you're horrifically superficial. The last person you dated was a perfect physical specimen, and you don't want to let that sculpture of genetic triumph go. Luckily, Match.com has teamed up with a Los Angeles matchmaking service called Three Day Rule to make it so you don't have to, provided your new partner can be convinced to suddenly start answering to a different name like a rescue pet and doesn't mind "looks like my high school girlfriend" being at the top of the list of compatible interests ...
"OK, I'm going to call you Bunny, and you call me Emotional Robot. It's a thing we did."
All you have to do is send Match.com some photos of your ex (and a $5,000 subscription fee for the premium Three Day Rule service), and with the use of black-magic facial recognition technology, they will track down a bounty of eligible singles who look as much like your ex as possible without being his or her twin sibling. There is nothing stopping you from sending in pictures of Jon Hamm or Jennifer Lawrence except for your own conscience, but unscrupulousness is more or less being encouraged here, so we doubt they'll revoke your membership and refund your $5K entry ransom for sending in pictures of people you've never really dated. That's actually way less creepy.
They already have their first celeb spokesperson lined up.
Speaking of creepy ...
You Can Use Facial Recognition to Find a Porn Star Who Looks Like Your Ex
Let's say your relationship ended on a sour note, something so bad it made Ralph Kramden's constant threats to beat the shit out of his wife look like a stable relationship. Your feelings of anger, resentment, and failure shouldn't get in the way of remembering all your passionately intimate moments together, should it?
"She never got that excited when I brought home spicy sausage pizza."
Enter the Great Fap, a program built using the same facial recognition software designed for Google Glass (the fact that Google Glass needs facial recognition software just makes that product seem even more like it was made exclusively for serial killers). Simply upload a photo of your ex, and the Great Fap will track down the adult film star that most closely resembles them. Now nothing can get in the way of your dangerously unhealthy rage masturbation. The Great Fap isn't specifically designed for finding someone who looks like an ex -- that's just a useful side effect -- so you can indulge any fantasy there. Unless, of course, the person you're looking for is a man -- the young geniuses behind the endeavor didn't bother to catalog any male porn stars, and have absolutely no plans to do so in the foreseeable future, presumably because they want to be a lock for the "Most Awful Human Beings in the Universe" award, and creating something that doesn't exclusively cater to straight men constitutes an immediate disqualification.
"We got Ron Jeremy, or Dude That Looks Like Nic Cage. That's good enough."
You Can Buy a Talking Robot That Projects Any Face You Want
If you find yourself suddenly single because you're the type of person who has completely forgotten how to communicate with other people in a socially acceptable manner, get yourself a SociBot-Mini. Otherwise, don't. There's literally no other reason to own this metal horror.
It's not winking, it's trying to short circuit itself.
The SociBot-Mini is a robotic bust that looks like a 1950s television producer's concept of the future, complete with a special screen on its face that can display any image you want it to project, including the face of the person who just walked out of your life because they could no longer tolerate being in a relationship with you for fear of one day being stuck haunting the bathtub in which you murdered them. Using a depth-sensing camera, the SociBot is able to capture and recognize your gestures to analyze your mood and hold a simple conversation with you (or, more appropriately, the robotic facsimile of a conversation). Although it wasn't explicitly designed for this purpose, there is no other device on the market better suited to easing the transition from "awkward relationship" to "hollow, plodding loneliness."
You Can Rent a Girlfriend to Talk to You on the Phone
For those of you who are missing the daily interaction your newly ended relationship used to provide but are unwilling to fill that void with robots and/or pornography, you can use a service like the ones offered through Chinese online superstore Taobao and hire a stand-in girlfriend to call you throughout the day to talk to you about your feelings.
Get ready to see that look a lot.
Telephone companionship costs around 20 to 30 yuan a day, which in U.S. currency is about three to five items off of the McDonald's dollar menu, and is at least as effective as absorbing tear-soaked sobs. Until, of course, you start blowing those calls off and she gets frustrated and breaks up with you, and you have to hire another girlfriend to replace the one you just hired. We assume this is built into their business model.
You're basically choosing between heart break or heart attack.
The third part of XJ's epic science-fiction novel is out now on Amazon. The first 99 cent novella can be found here, with Part 2 out here. Or leave a review and get a free copy! Poke him on Twitter and follow him on Facebook.
For more stalker-friendly technology, check out 5 Apps That Were Clearly Designed by Total Creeps and 5 New Apps Explicitly Designed for Awful Human Beings.