4 Creepy Dating Apps That Actually Exist
Just a few years ago, the idea of a dating app would have felt as foreign as using the word "app" outside of a Chili's restaurant. These days, finding an anonymous sex partner is just a matter of installing Grindr or Tinder on your phone. (Wait, is there no app simply called "Sexer"? Weird.) And as these apps continue to evolve, they keep getting more specific ... and creepy.
Carrot Dating App Will Let You Bribe Your Way to Dates
Tired of receiving rejection after rejection on dating apps because women can't stand your Hitler 'stache and your Putin charm? Then Carrot Dating is the app for you. With a promotional line pulled straight out of The Godfather ("Make them an offer they simply can't refuse"), there's NO WAY your love life has taken a turn for the worse if you've got this on your phone.
The way it works is almost too gross to put down on paper. Basically, you offer any "gift" you're willing to hand out on your Carrot Dating profile, and the women will come flocking to you, basking in your rays of materialism as they beg for a date so that you hand over your gift. According to the site, if you dangle the right carrot, you can get any woman you want! You know, until someone comes along with a bigger carrot, because you searched for women on a gold-digging app in the first place.
"Exchanging goods for sex? How has no one thought of this before!?!"
Flirt Planet Will Teach You How to Pick Up Girls
The hardest thing about being bad at flirting is that it's not easy to get practice. Let's face it -- the only people who don't fear rejection are sociopaths. That's why Flirt Planet exists: to help the more uncomfortable of us work on our flirting skills. Fair enough. Maybe the execution is where things take a turn for the WTF.
"If you were ever turned on by Ellis from Die Hard, have we got the app for you!"
On Flirt Planet, you're given a personal avatar that you control and use to interact with artificial intelligence in the virtual world. That's right, you practice flirting by trying to seduce computer-generated cartoon girls.
When you've virtually porked the computerized women Flirt Planet offers, the app will then recommend you to its partner app, Flirt Planet Meet, which is exactly the same app, except you're now testing your new skills of pressing dialogue buttons with other people who've also become good at pressing dialogue buttons. The idea is that since you've mastered flirting with the computer, then you no doubt know exactly how to get laid with real people, which explains why everyone who's ever played a BioWare game is now a smooth-talking ladies' man.
Wingman Will Help You Hook Up On Planes
Does the thought of flying without boning horrify you? Not to worry, the Wingman app is here to save the day! What does it do? Exactly what you're thinking.
And of COURSE the user is represented as a shady stalker in an overcoat.
Within moments of opening up Wingman, you'll find all of the other hot singles on the same flight who are looking to join the Mile High Club. Never mind the fact that the Mile High Club is also referred to as the How the Fuck Do We Move in Here Club and the There's Shit on the Toilet Seat Club. Also, don't dwell too long on the idea that the other people who sign up for this app are probably just as skeevy as you. Meanwhile, the rest of us can look forward to a future where every flight includes a 20-minute wait for the toilet.
Pure Is for People Who Want to Hook Up but Are Too Embarrassed to Do It
For those of you who can't imagine the shame of using an app to get sex, Pure might be the right app for you. Not because it's all about anonymous hookups, but because it erases the evidence.
Along with any remaining sense of pride if you get rejected.
Unlike all of the other dating apps, Pure doesn't leave you with the undignified online mark of having been horny enough to solicit sex from Internet strangers. You fill in your profile and upload your photos, and instead of leaving it there waiting for someone to bite, you have only an hour to search around and look for someone to hook up with. After the hour -- whether you were successful in your lascivious endeavor or not -- your profile is completely wiped off the map, unviewable to anyone (except the NSA, of course). It's the ultimate in efficiency: people who are horny right now immediately hooking up with other people having the same urges at the exact moment, with as little room for forethought as possible. It's almost as if we let the STDs write the app themselves.
The third part of XJ's epic science-fiction novel is out now on Amazon. The first $0.99 novella can be found here, with Part 2 out here.
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