The cops cracked the case of the ambulance-stealing jerkoff so fast that they actually beat Garcia to his own home and arrested him (again). So why did he do it? Was he planning some type of daring hospital heist? Was he at least looking for the drugs inside? Nope: He just didn't fucking feel like walking.
Maricopa County Sheriff's Office
Clearly someone too majestic to walk like the "common man."
Man Steals Church Computer, Calls Tech Support to Remove the Porn Block
When a computer was stolen from the Owassa First Assembly of God church in Oklahoma, two pressing questions arose: 1) What is Father Matthew going to tell his WoW guild? and 2) Who would be heartless enough to do this? Unfortunately, it looked like the church would never get an answer to the second question, since the police had no leads. That is, until the thief gave himself away (or, more specifically, his boner did).
Owasso Police Department
Wow, the "Most Likely to ..." superlative in his yearbook got it exactly on the money.
See, the computer had software installed called Covenant Eyes, which tracks sinful activity on the Net. Two weeks after acquiring his new and completely boobs-free computer, a desperate Troy Ridling called tech support asking to remove the porn block, and the police were alerted and put him in jail. Remember, the Lord works in mysterious ways, but namely through your junk.
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