XJ Selman
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A.C. Grimes
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Some criminals spend considerable time and effort concocting new ways to keep the police off their back, such as only using disposable phones or emulating the flinty good looks of Idris Elba. (Sorry, some of us here just discovered The Wire.) But then there are crooks on the other end of the spectrum who go about their business somewhat less surreptitiously and -- to put the behavior in layman's terms -- just don't give a flying shit.
Last July, imminent Florida representative Anthony Thomas went out to his local Citgo gas station to apply for a job. After filling out the application form, giving the place his real full name and address, Thomas felt so satisfied for being a productive member of society that he helped himself to a little reward -- namely, $130 from the cash register, which he swiped right in front of a plainly visible security camera.
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If you watch it backward, he's just leaving the cashier a generous tip.
The cops used the same job application to locate Thomas shortly afterward (presumably under "job experience" he listed the numbers of the other stations he's robbed). He resisted arrest, disputed the video footage, and hasn't heard back about the job yet (but is still crossing his fingers).
Nineteen-year-old Morgan Tapp of Murfreesboro, Tennessee, was the victim of a home invasion in which his safe full of pot and drug money was stolen. Outraged about what this world has come to, Tapp went to the police to report the theft and ask for their help in recovering his valuables. The young man then explained to an officer that he was upset because "he sold marijuana" for a living.
Stockbyte/Stockbyte/Getty Images
"If you find it, the combo is '4-2-0.' Like pot. Which I sell."
The cops then found Tapp's safe and invited him to come retrieve it, at which point they asked if he could open it to alleviate some concerns of their K9 officer. Tapp did, and everyone was shocked, just shocked to find 8 ounces of weed and about 900 ill-gotten dollars inside, so Tapp was arrested. The worst part? He can't even say he did these things because he was high, since he had no pot at the time.
Between this next stunt and that guy who tried to hide from the cops for seven hours in the ocean, it's clear that most lawbreakers regard Grand Theft Auto as nonfiction. Last week in Tempe, Arizona, Cesar Garcia was treating himself to a morning beer at the local grocery store when he was arrested by the police, because that shit is illegal. The man was brought to the station, where they quickly let him go with a citation. Garcia went "OK, guys, see you later!" and nonchalantly stole the ambulance that was sitting right outside the station.
KPHO-TV
"If having to get replacement beer isn't a medical emergency, then what is?"
The cops cracked the case of the ambulance-stealing jerkoff so fast that they actually beat Garcia to his own home and arrested him (again). So why did he do it? Was he planning some type of daring hospital heist? Was he at least looking for the drugs inside? Nope: He just didn't fucking feel like walking.
Maricopa County Sheriff's Office
Clearly someone too majestic to walk like the "common man."
When a computer was stolen from the Owassa First Assembly of God church in Oklahoma, two pressing questions arose: 1) What is Father Matthew going to tell his WoW guild? and 2) Who would be heartless enough to do this? Unfortunately, it looked like the church would never get an answer to the second question, since the police had no leads. That is, until the thief gave himself away (or, more specifically, his boner did).
Owasso Police Department
Wow, the "Most Likely to ..." superlative in his yearbook got it exactly on the money.
See, the computer had software installed called Covenant Eyes, which tracks sinful activity on the Net. Two weeks after acquiring his new and completely boobs-free computer, a desperate Troy Ridling called tech support asking to remove the porn block, and the police were alerted and put him in jail. Remember, the Lord works in mysterious ways, but namely through your junk.
Tired of cliche wizards and space opera? Check out XJ's $0.99 science-fiction/fantasy novella on Amazon here, with the sequel out now. Or leave a review and get a free copy! Poke him on Twitter, too.
