Tom told us about one night of filming when "We were shooting a scene on Manhattan Beach, and it was about midnight or so ... Dian Bachar [and] Glasgow Phillips both played characters, and we had somebody who did makeup work for one of the Star Trek spinoffs. So they had this crazy alien look and these little jockstraps."

"They're in a fight scene, and Dian punches through Glasgow's asshole, rips out his liver. So we're in the midst of shooting this ... a cop car pulls up right as the liver's coming out of the butthole. He comes up, taps the 'BEACH CLOSED so I can bust you NOW' sign, and he's like, 'What are you guys doing here?' He wouldn't let them put their clothes on, so they had to run all the way back to the apartment -- a short little shiny alien and a Lucha Libre masked naked dude bleeding caro syrup out his butthole."

Rogue Pictures / GettyImages
And yet, because he works with the South Park guys, that wasn't even close to the most insane outfit Bachar ever wore.

And yet, shockingly, we don't recall ever seeing a Fox News in-depth report on how civilized and personable the porn world really is ...

As the action got going, Tim "begged Carrie to take the camera so I could pee, and as she takes it she's intense, because getting the goods was on the line. So she's like, 'What should I get? What should I get?' 'Close ups!' I tell her ... 'Just get close-ups!'"

Jason McHugh and Dave Stotts
Matt Stone and Carrie Fisher, who would soon be filming hardcore penetration.

Eventually, it was time for the great switcheroo. "They all thought I was Trey. So when 'Trey' dropped trou to lay some pipe, you could hear this collective gasp. They were all sooooo freaked out, [like] Trey had thrown away this amazing career he was about to have ... by the next day, Buck Henry was at a party telling everyone's what's happening. And Trey's agent is there, going, 'Wait, what? Trey was in a porno?'"

Obviously, the whole prank got sorted out, and Parker's future was not ruined. He went on to have a lucrative career playing the wheelchair piano for a bunch of naked people.

Jason McHugh and Dave Stotts
The jury's still out on whether or not Brian Boitano would do that.

DVDA means "Double Vaginal, Double Anal." It's a porn term referenced in a joke in Orgazmo ... and it's also the name of Parker and Stone's band. You might recall them from the soundtrack of Team America: World Police, the music in the South Park movie, and this:

Comedy Central Productions
The only way this would be more shocking is if Arthur did it too.

Clearly, DVDA became an obsession for them. Tim claims to know where it started. During a casting call at World Modeling, a porn talent agency, they met a matronly porn star "just a few teeth short of being able to dominate the gummer niche." She described in "shockingly graphic detail" how hard it was becoming to get work -- unless of course, you were willing to do things like DVDA. No one had heard of DVDA, so she explained it to them as "double vag, double anal" and went on about it like she was giving directions to a couple of tourists from Poughkeepsie. The guys, including the porn vet himself, couldn't even believe it was possible.

A couple of weeks later, while touring porn sets, they found out otherwise.

"I knew what was happening as far as production being in their place, but I didn't know what kind of scene was going to be shot ... I'd been in porn at that point for a couple years, so I thought I'd seen everything. Turns out I had not. Nothing prepared any of us for that."

The smell is what hit them first. "The first assault on the senses was the stench. The smell of sweaty skidmarking man-ass hung in the air as thick as pea soup fog with a side of smog and poop ... You can't put that many sweaty dudes together in a ball and not end up with something fetid."

Comedy Central Productions
Artistic representation.

As for the ball of fucking itself? Tim says it was "... like a living, breathing Picasso during his cubism period. It was writhing and there were enough arms and legs and sweaty man-ass crashing around, we couldn't tell it was human. We couldn't see if there was a female involved at first. But then she emerged, and she looked like she had been juiced in a vita-mix. Double vaginal, double anal doesn't seem like it should be physically possible, but we witnessed it with our own eyes. The image is burned into our brains, and our retina scars are living proof."

He added, "We were all traumatized by it."

He did not need to add that.

You'll recall that photo of Trey and Matt in drag from earlier, which was taken at the Oscars. Which they attended. In drag. On acid.

Steve Granitz / GettyImages
Like so.

They really like acid: "We dosed at the AVN awards ... these are porn's equivalent of the Oscars ... except saying there is way more cleavage would be an understatement. But they do have similarities, like an endless parade of people you don't know and you don't care about standing up and saying stuff that only is going to be interesting if they piss everyone off saying it. So we are tripping balls (you know, being a Deadhead had its privileges), and Trey and I decide we are about to win every single award. We would take a few steps toward the podium already busting out our speeches to anyone that would listen.

"But wouldn't you know it? ... someone else would always win that Best Bottom in a Gay Gang Bang or whatever, and we would have to storm back to the table, disgruntled losers due a win. Then the next ones would start getting announced, and again, we were back on our way up to certain triumph for Best Dildo Mold Makers or whatever."

Luke Ford / Wiki Commons
Tim on acid: the AVN's answer to Leonardo DiCaprio.

So there you go: the B-side history of how some of comedy's greatest minds got their start in the entertainment industry, with all the drugs and hardcore penetration you demand. Thanks for sharing, Tim! Now, get back to work. Those women aren't going to fuck themselves. Unless they are, which is likely, given -- dammit, you know what we mean.

Tim Lake has a Facebook and an amateur porn website. Note: That last link leads to porn.

Robert Evans isn't a porn star, but he did write a book about how porn and other vices made human civilization possible. You can order A Brief History of Vice now.

Have a story to share with Cracked? Email us here.