5 Things I Saw Making Porn With The Creators Of South Park

"They're in a fight scene, and Dian punches through Glasgow's asshole, rips out his liver. So we're in the midst of shooting this ... a cop car pulls up right as the liver's coming out of the butthole. He comes up, taps the 'BEACH CLOSED so I can bust you NOW' sign, and he's like, 'What are you guys doing here?' He wouldn't let them put their clothes on, so they had to run all the way back to the apartment -- a short little shiny alien and a Lucha Libre masked naked dude bleeding caro syrup out his butthole."

Journalists, ever desperate for a story, reached out to Tim about his then-new industry of "homegrown" porn. To the surprise of nobody today, he, Stone, and Parker pretty much immediately started fucking with them:

"We pranked Fox news and a German television thing ... anyone that hit us up for a profile piece was fair game, and we just got crazier and crazier with the stuff we wanted to do. Like when we had the German guys in, we decided we should make the most avant garde porn ... ever ... We created this big orgy, and Matt Stone, completely naked, would walk into the mass of these writhing bodies and he'd start reading really bad poetry, then out of the blue he'd start shouting, 'Dead bird! Dead bird!' then walk back out."

When Fox News stopped by, "they came through the door, and we gave them the best impression possible ... we had some light classical music going on in the background, a guy with a tray of hors d'oeuvres ... just this whole really polite genteel scene. We have a friend who is wheelchair-bound ... they said, 'Why is the guy in the wheelchair there?' We said, 'Well, he doesn't have much time, and there's this adult version of Make-A-Wish, and he really wanted to see a porn' ... At the end of that, they were like, 'We just didn't expect you guys to be so nice.'"

And yet, shockingly, we don't recall ever seeing a Fox News in-depth report on how civilized and personable the porn world really is ...

At this point, Matt and Trey were getting a lot of buzz around Hollywood, but nobody had yet officially met them at a big industry gathering. So Tim and Trey switched places. Trey, as Tim, would "direct" the porn and then call for Tim, as Trey, to strip down and wade cock-first into a wave of naked, humping flesh right in front of all the Hollywood A-listers. Trey immediately took to his role as director, shouting, "'People -- PEOPLE! I need more ass licking ... God dammit! CAN'T I GET MORE ASS LICKING!'"

As the action got going, Tim "begged Carrie to take the camera so I could pee, and as she takes it she's intense, because getting the goods was on the line. So she's like, 'What should I get? What should I get?' 'Close ups!' I tell her ... 'Just get close-ups!'"

Eventually, it was time for the great switcheroo. "They all thought I was Trey. So when 'Trey' dropped trou to lay some pipe, you could hear this collective gasp. They were all sooooo freaked out, [like] Trey had thrown away this amazing career he was about to have ... by the next day, Buck Henry was at a party telling everyone's what's happening. And Trey's agent is there, going, 'Wait, what? Trey was in a porno?'"

Obviously, the whole prank got sorted out, and Parker's future was not ruined. He went on to have a lucrative career playing the wheelchair piano for a bunch of naked people.

DVDA means "Double Vaginal, Double Anal." It's a porn term referenced in a joke in Orgazmo ... and it's also the name of Parker and Stone's band. You might recall them from the soundtrack of Team America: World Police, the music in the South Park movie, and this:

Clearly, DVDA became an obsession for them. Tim claims to know where it started. During a casting call at World Modeling, a porn talent agency, they met a matronly porn star "just a few teeth short of being able to dominate the gummer niche." She described in "shockingly graphic detail" how hard it was becoming to get work -- unless of course, you were willing to do things like DVDA. No one had heard of DVDA, so she explained it to them as "double vag, double anal" and went on about it like she was giving directions to a couple of tourists from Poughkeepsie. The guys, including the porn vet himself, couldn't even believe it was possible.

A couple of weeks later, while touring porn sets, they found out otherwise.

"I knew what was happening as far as production being in their place, but I didn't know what kind of scene was going to be shot ... I'd been in porn at that point for a couple years, so I thought I'd seen everything. Turns out I had not. Nothing prepared any of us for that."

The smell is what hit them first. "The first assault on the senses was the stench. The smell of sweaty skidmarking man-ass hung in the air as thick as pea soup fog with a side of smog and poop ... You can't put that many sweaty dudes together in a ball and not end up with something fetid."

As for the ball of fucking itself? Tim says it was "... like a living, breathing Picasso during his cubism period. It was writhing and there were enough arms and legs and sweaty man-ass crashing around, we couldn't tell it was human. We couldn't see if there was a female involved at first. But then she emerged, and she looked like she had been juiced in a vita-mix. Double vaginal, double anal doesn't seem like it should be physically possible, but we witnessed it with our own eyes. The image is burned into our brains, and our retina scars are living proof."

He added, "We were all traumatized by it."

He did not need to add that.

"... We were always playing with the readily available sets, and things we could do behind the scenes. I think we probably shot three or four porn films behind the scenes of Orgazmo, so the people who wanted to experience that world could do so on a very intimate level -- I like to think it increased their awareness and probably made a better movie."

Damn it all, he's right. We would've been way more into The Godfather if only we could have witnessed men ejaculating all over its sets.

After the movie was finished, it was time to start touring film festivals. Tim describes Sundance as "a blast" because, "at this point, South Park had become such a hit juggernaut for Comedy Central. Standing within ten yards of those guys meant feeling that peculiar celebrity carte blanche which makes people overly friendly even though they have no idea who you are -- you are just that guy standing next to TREY and MATT."

The trio did a panel together at Sundance after dropping a bunch of acid: "something along the lines of 'the digital landscape and how film would be in the future,' would the internet ruin everything, that sort of thing ... I was on the panel with Trey, Matt, a few other filmmakers. Trey, myself, and Matt, we all had taken acid, so we're all answering these questions and going off into the stratosphere of what the potential was. There's everyone else trying to sound earnest and professional and visionary, and here's us going into spoken word poetry ..."

You'll recall that photo of Trey and Matt in drag from earlier, which was taken at the Oscars. Which they attended. In drag. On acid.

They really like acid: "We dosed at the AVN awards ... these are porn's equivalent of the Oscars ... except saying there is way more cleavage would be an understatement. But they do have similarities, like an endless parade of people you don't know and you don't care about standing up and saying stuff that only is going to be interesting if they piss everyone off saying it. So we are tripping balls (you know, being a Deadhead had its privileges), and Trey and I decide we are about to win every single award. We would take a few steps toward the podium already busting out our speeches to anyone that would listen.

"But wouldn't you know it? ... someone else would always win that Best Bottom in a Gay Gang Bang or whatever, and we would have to storm back to the table, disgruntled losers due a win. Then the next ones would start getting announced, and again, we were back on our way up to certain triumph for Best Dildo Mold Makers or whatever."

So there you go: the B-side history of how some of comedy's greatest minds got their start in the entertainment industry, with all the drugs and hardcore penetration you demand. Thanks for sharing, Tim! Now, get back to work. Those women aren't going to fuck themselves. Unless they are, which is likely, given -- dammit, you know what we mean.

Tim Lake has a Facebook and an amateur porn website. Note: That last link leads to porn.

Robert Evans isn't a porn star, but he did write a book about how porn and other vices made human civilization possible. You can order A Brief History of Vice now.

Have a story to share with Cracked? Email us here.