So the punchline is ... child murder?
Here's the point where you'd normally invent some new swears and discover the bottle of a bottle of a cheap bourbon. But PM is ever the professional, "because after all, today's pranker could be tomorrow's actual caller," she says.
Believe it or not, these calls come in with some regularity.
"Pranks like this would go in spurts," PM says. "Trolls from a popular website I'll refrain from naming would go on occasional expeditions against the hotline and we'd have a few hours where we'd get blasted. Usually they were mere nuisances, but then we'd get the gunshots, or people talking about obviously provocative topics -- like detailing graphically how when he was away at war, he raped a little girl, that he liked it, that he still thinks about it."
You know, things terrible people mistake for fun.
And then upload it to YouTube, because what's the point of being a sack of gaping assholes without an audience?
The suicide hotline also gets sex calls, because the world is always a worse place than you imagine.
"One of our frequent flyers used to be a sex addict, and he'd occasionally call us out of breath, asking us to talk slower," PM says. "Another frequent flyer would always try to get us to say a particular woman's name, and if we did (this was before we caught on), he'd start moaning and ask us to say it again."