You Might Have One & Not Know It: 6 Realities Of Aneurysms

Frank continues: "Just to be sure, the neurologist wanted me to come in for a 3D MRI. It then confirmed that I did have an aneurysm after all."

To be double-super-duper-extra-macchiato-sure, the hospital also conducted a cerebral angiogram. "This is where they open up your femoral artery [located in your groin], slide a tube up to the neck, and release a dye for an accurate 3D model of all the vessels in the brain." This finally confirmed beyond a shadow of a doubt that Frank had an unruptured aneurysm in his head. And all it took was seven long months of wondering if those weird headaches were going to kill him or not.

arfosn/iStock/Getty Images
"Whoops, looks like we left the groin tube in there. See you Monday."

The thing about cerebral aneurysms is that they can rupture and cause permanent brain damage and/or death, but the majority of them never do. So when a doctor diagnoses you with one, what they are really saying is: "You're probably fine, or then again, maybe you'll up and die. Shrug emoji."

"When the doc had confirmed my aneurysm," Frank told us, "I asked him what the rupture rate was. He said 1-2 percent each year. He then asked if I knew what would happen if it ruptured, and I told him: 50 percent chance of death, with another 25 percent likelihood of permanent damage ... When updating my dermatologist about the aneurysm, he said I was handling it well. I said that life is full of surprises, and that I could get hit by a bus. He said I was much more likely to die of the aneurysm. I told him his bedside manner sucked."

AlexRaths/iStock/Getty Images
"Or maybe this mole will get you! Ha, kidding ... maybe ..."

"Part of me feels silly for worrying about it, but the consequences of a burst are so severe that it's terrifying. This emotional pinball gets very tiring very quickly." As do Frank's unproductive talks with his neurologist, like:

Frank: "So, I should be worried?"
Doc: "I didn't say that."
Frank: "Could it burst at any time?"
Doc: "Yes."
Frank: "Do we know what triggers these bursts?"
Doc: "Other than a spike in heart rate? No."
Frank: "Oh. Do they ever burst while someone's sleeping?"
Doc: "They do. But the chances are small."
Frank internally: This was productive!

Medioimages/Photodisc/Photodisc/Getty Images
"You could always lie here forever."

Without those meds, high blood pressure could cause Frank's aneurysm to rupture, and the only warning he'd get would be headaches, nausea, or vomiting -- also known as stuff that you get like every day for a million innocuous reasons.

"My doctor told me that if I ever experience those symptoms unrelated to anything else, I should call 911 right away, as the aneurysm's either gotten significantly larger or has burst," Frank explains. "So sometimes I have to figure out whether I'm feeling like crap because of some poorly cooked fast food chicken, or because I've got two hours to live unless I get to a hospital."

rez-art/iStock/Getty Images
"Well, at least this was my last meal."

What's worse, Frank also risks a rupture if he has vigorous sex of any kind. That's right: He is medically forbidden from rocking anyone's world.

The weird thing about humans is that we know we're going to die, but we don't acknowledge it until someone tells us our neck is going to explode next week or something. And when we finally do, we grab life by the balls and twist, like Frank did.

"You know those things that you always want to do but never make time for? I make time now, because I don't know how much is left. I completed my first triathlon last year, and want to try skydiving next. I took the plunge on taking a new job in Chicago. A move to Chicago would have filled me with fear and worry a few years ago. Not so much anymore ... I also signed up for Tinder and have gone on a lot of dates."

Okay, well, some of those things are more hardcore than others. We'd happily skydive before trying Tinder.

German-skydiver/iStock/Getty Images
"Aren't you going to jump?"
"Oh no, I just wanted to throw my phone out from here to be safe."

Frank continues: "I've had several friends think my aneurysm is fascinating in a voyeuristic way. When I was telling a childhood friend that solo hikes make me nervous because I might die during one, she countered that 'Dying on a hike would be really romantic.' I think they may have seen too many movies, but I do admit that the visceral worry of 'What could go wrong' is gone from my mind, because my version of 'What could go wrong' is significantly scarier and more likely."

Frank could be attacked tomorrow by a coked-up rhino with a machine gun strapped to its horn, and he wouldn't feel all that different from today: It's still the grim specter of death finally getting fed up with the foreplay and skipping right to the XXX stuff.

Like Frank, a lot of people with brain aneurysms carry an emergency card that explains their condition in case they're found unconscious. Some get MedicAlert or Life Alert jewelry which serves a similar function, and also does duty as a constant reminder of their impending death. But death isn't the thing that really scares Frank. In fact, he hopes that his aneurysm does kill him if it ever bursts.

"What seems scarier in the event of a burst aneurysm? Death or being mentally impaired? Mentally impaired, hands down. Since I don't believe in an afterlife, dying is just an awkward light switch going off to me. But mental impairment terrifies me. I love to read, think, reason out problems, enjoy movies, and all of that could be gone. What would be worst is that I would watch my peers continue along with their lives relatively carefree, while that path would be gone for me."

Ryan McVay/Photodisc/Getty Images
At least he could still enjoy Michael Bay movies.

Wow, there but for the grace of God go you, right? Or maybe God is a poor choice of words. "There but for the grace of random fucking chance go you."

Ah, what the hell. Hit up Tinder, everybody!

Cezary Jan Strusiewicz is a Cracked columnist, interviewer, and editor. Contact him at c.j.strusiewicz@gmail.com.

Psst ... want to give us feedback on the super-secret beta launch of the upcoming Cracked spinoff site, Braindrop? Well, simply follow us behind this curtain. Or, you know, click here: Braindrop.

For more insider perspectives, check out 6 Disturbing Realities Of Surviving Childhood Cancer and 6 Awful Realities Of Falling Into (And Out Of) A Coma.

Subscribe to our YouTube channel, and check out The Horrifying Truth About Those People In TV Commercials, and watch other videos you won't see on the site!

Also, follow us on Facebook. Or, you know, don't. We aren't the boss of you.

Did you know cats modeled their "meow" after the cries of human babies, just because they knew us humans care about that noise? Did you know dogs can read your mind (emotionally), and live in constant suspicion that you know where the good food is (you totally do)? In the next LIVE episode of the Cracked Podcast, host Jack O'Brien leads Cracked's team of pet-loving/fearing comedians through all the ways our dogs and cats are more powerful, creepy, and awesome than we ever could have imagined. Jack will be joined by Carmen Angelica, Dan O'Brien, Alex Schmidt, and Jake Weisman at the UCB Sunset Theatre on Wednesday, March 9, at 7 p.m. Purchase your tickets here!

Have a story to share with Cracked? Email us here.